A little change of heart
Clearly fate had different plans.
Or else it wouldn’t have broken my resolve within the next few minutes.
In the next half an hour post the confrontation with my mom, I received an email notification from our director. Attached were flight tickets to Mathura, with a detailed itinerary planned out for three days worth of promotions; traveling around the state of Uttar Pradesh and finishing off with a press conference in Mumbai.
Before I could process all this new information, Ma had effortlessly packed a small suitcase for me, her words of advice faintly echoing in my ears. Before I could type a response to the email, details of my ride the next morning buzzed in an SMS. Before I could groan in exhaustion, I found myself sitting in a familiar black sedan car, avoiding the glance of a certain co-star as we made our way to the airport.
Awkward would be an understatement to describe the tension around us. Words craved to escape yet resolutions kept them tied. The emotional turmoil was too draining; my heart and mind were constantly at war. The former wanted to start a normal conversation, like the way I normally am. And yet my brain retorted each time at the suggestion, reminding me of his obnoxious behavior ever since we met. He didn’t deserve my attention, my mind boasted. And my heart fell a little more each time I gave into my mind.
Security checks went through smoothly but in a blur. I could faintly recall exchanging pleasantries with the main cast and the rest of the crew accompanying us. I felt on autopilot mode; updating my mom on WhatsApp, handing the airline counter my passport and other details, ordering a coffee yet not allowing its taste to fill my senses. Something felt uncannily wrong; as if not in place. Probably because I wasn’t myself today; too engrossed in keeping myself in check.
Not once did my breath halt at the vision of hazel green orbs. Not once did a genuine smile cross my face. Not once did I let myself feel, because I knew if I did, it would be too much.
Fate had decided on testing my patience and willpower today; for I found myself sitting next to the one person I wanted to avoid the most on our flight to Mathura. Only this time, his stare over me refused to waver. I waited patiently for a few minutes, trying to focus on the flight attendant’s redundant instructions rather than his prying gaze.
But the self-control snapped and I huffed exasperatedly at him soon enough, “What?!”
He straightened immediately, the flustered effect reaching his face a second before he looked away.
When he cleared his throat, I heard Sumedh’s voice for the first time since yesterday, “So...Basant came up to me at the airport today.”
I bit my lip in nervousness, wondering how much of our conversation Basant had told him.
“I’m glad we both are on the same page about keeping it strictly professional.”
I silently let out a breath in relief and nodded wordlessly.
He continued, “Just to clarify, the feelings are mutual. Like you said, I can’t imagine us being friends either. Not so much when it’s so hard to tolerate you.”
All the determination about avoiding him flew out the window as I faced him, my eyes spewing rage, “For a second, just for a second I thought I might be wrong about you. But thank you for clearing my doubts. All you know is how to be prejudiced about everyone, making presumptions about those who are only trying to be nice to you.”
His lips had curved inwardly into a thin line, gritting through his teeth as he prepared his response. Only I cut him, “I’m surprised how Basant is friends with you. You’re the intolerable one here.”
Before he could retaliate, I resolved, “So let me make this easy for you.” Pressing a button on the armrest, I waited with bated breaths as an airhostess approached me.
“Hi, may I please request for a change of seat?” I passed a menacing glare at Sumedh, who reciprocated equally.
She smiled politely, scanning through the barely empty aircraft for a vacant seat. She stopped a row ahead of mine, as she informed, “There’s a vacant seat diagonally ahead of yours, Miss.”
Without checking, I readily agreed. Anything would be better than sitting next to this arrogant brat.
I huffed past him, into the aisle seat a row ahead and settled myself just before the flight took off. I murmured a quiet prayer to myself for the safety of the entire aircraft as it prepared for take-off. Just as I opened my eyes, I looked to my left to find a boy about my age, beaming at me. He looked familiar; perhaps someone I had seen on set.
He soon clarified with his introduction, “Hi. I’m Rushiraj.”
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The two hour flight that I had been dreading soon became a pleasant journey all because of the passenger sitting next to me. Rushiraj and I shared similar likes and dislikes, much to my surprise. From the littlest thing such as our favorite icecream flavor to our first impression on the show, somehow his and my thoughts flowed in the same direction.
“I can’t explain how nervous I was when I auditioned for this role.” His voice shivered as he recalled the memory.
I smiled ruefully, well aware of the anxious nerves, “Tell me about it.”
“The entire experience was so surreal.” He described in a daze that I knew too well.
I nodded in affirmation as he continued, “Did you know, Sumedh had auditioned for the same role?”
“What?!” I gasped in shock as Rushiraj smiled, “I know. I was equally alarmed. But then again, he had portrayed a negative role in his previous show too, so I guess that was expected.”
“Surely suits his personality.” I muttered under my breath as he chuckled at my annoyance.
“I get it. He hasn’t been the friendliest person on set.” I giggled at his comment, knowing way too well what he meant.
“How did he end up getting the lead role?”
“The director and producer saw something lead-worthy in him, I guess.” He simply shrugged as I scoffed, “Worked his charm on them too.”
He seemed to have noticed the underlying tension, for he changed the subject soon enough, “I can’t wait to explore Mathura.”
“I’ve never been there either. Just the thought that this place once resided great souls like Krishna and Radha makes my heart swell in pride.”
“So you really believe they existed?” He asked with raised eyebrows.
I pondered upon the question for a moment before admitting, “It’s one of the reasons I auditioned.”
Before he could say anything more, the aircraft started to jolt downwards, indicative of a procedural landing. I clutched both armrests, the knuckles on my hands turning white. I shut my eyes and murmured a prayer on loop, wishing I wouldn’t have to exhibit my worst fear, hoping we’d remain alive to touch the ground.
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So we successfully landed.
And were on our way to the hotel in Mathura where our promotional events were to happen. Our crew had booked a mini-bus to accommodate everyone. Not many had recognized us as actors from an upcoming show, but there remained a regular hustle around us, filled with curious whispers and excited giggles. I phoned my mom as soon as we landed, reassuring us that things were safe. That I was safe.
The first fresh breath of air had been absolutely magical. The city’s wind seemed to have carried its holiness and its purity, spreading a sense of tranquility within me. The afternoon sun coerced me to shed off my hoodie, revealing a plain white tee underneath paired with denim jeans. The roaring horns of multiple vehicles didn’t seem like a nuisance today, rather a soothing lull in the background.
I felt it the moment I landed in Mathura, that today was going to be a good day.
Rushiraj remained at my side, chortling me with his jokes and pleasant remarks about the surrounding scenery. I responded with equal interest as I looked out the bus window, always remaining in awe of the city.
“I’ve read so much about this city in books, but never imagined a day I’d get to visit this place!” Elation laced my tone as I vividly tried to capture every moment of this journey.
“I didn’t peg you for a reader.” Rushiraj raised his brows in surprise as I scrutinized mine, “Why so?”
“You just seem so chirpy. And I thought avid readers were always the brooding types.” He shrugged sheepishly as I shook my head in giggles.
Taking a chip from his Lays’ bag, I reminded, “That’s why you shouldn’t believe stereotypes.”
“Noted.” He nodded sincerely as I held onto the smile, inwardly knowing this was a start to a great friendship.
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“I’ll just be back.” I informed Rushiraj with a pat on his shoulder as I scampered to the other end of the ground floor lobby of ‘Premraas Hotel’.
While the crew team sorted out rooms for the cast, I decided to wander a little bit and explore the exotic view overlooking the hotel. Taking out my phone from my back pocket, I clicked several photos, making a mental note of sharing these with my family back home.
“You seem to be enjoying yourself.” I turned around at the voice to find Basant grinning at me.
“Just the kind of effect Mathura has on me.” I beamed at him as he approached me.
“You look a lot better than this morning.” His eyes softened in a brotherly manner as I nodded.
“I feel a lot better too. I’m just not a morning person anymore, I guess.”
“Or maybe there was something--perhaps someone bothering you.” He insinuated to which I rolled my eyes.
“I’ll have you know that I haven’t spoken to him all day. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so cheery.” I waggled my eyebrows, ignoring the memory of our flight incident.
“As you say, Radha.” Basant emphasized on my on-screen name, a glint of mischief visible in his eyes.
“Keep dreaming, Balram Dau.” I referred to his on-screen name before changing the topic.
“How was the journey for you?”
“Not too bad. After you abandoned my best friend, I gave him a shoulder.” He grinned again.
I scoffed irritatedly, “He asked for it.”
“I’m sure. But overall, it wasn’t too bad for an official trip. We landed in Mathura safe and sound, without any mishaps. So I guess that counts.”
I shrugged before adding, “Doesn’t the journey count more than the destination?”
“What’s the point of a journey when you don’t have a destination?” He counter questioned.
“Why does there need to be a ‘point’, a purpose all the time? The destination is always planned, but the journey is unpredictable. Doesn’t that make it a lot more exhilarating?”
“You do have a point.” His grin widened as he seemed to have recalled a recent memory that made him chuckle.
“What?” I asked incredulously, suddenly a little conscious of myself.
“You’ll probably hate me for this, but…” He began.
“But what?” I pressed anxiously.
“You’d be surprised to know that Sumedh says the same thing.” My steps faltered at the revelation as my frown deepened.
“You two might not be as different as you think you both are, Mallika. Which is why..” He took another pause as I looked up at him.
“I’ll keep dreaming.” He finished, referring back to our earlier conversation as his lips curved from one side.
With that he took off, leaving me utterly confused.
----------
The sun wore down, revealing a shade of me I was slowly growing familiar with. I had yet again delved into the skin of Radha; this time in hues of pink. My attire for the evening allowed me to appreciate the succinct shades of the color I didn’t realize existed. The blouse was a deep pink one with slight golden embroidery on the sleeves. My skirt had been designed in several layers, each a lighter shade than the former, with gentle green motifs that glinted each time I twirled. My veil and netted ‘dupatta’ had been intricately embroidered floral print in golden thread, just the sight too exquisite to look past. Paired with golden ornaments and floral jewelry, my crew left my hair open for a change, the ends of my straightened strands tickling my exposed belly ever so often. My hands and feet had been dipped in alta, flooding my heart with the sense of purity yet again. As they touched up my face with minimal make-up, I stood up to straighten myself, the nose-ring dangling on one side I chose to fix just before the event. Deepti and Swati circled me to make sure everything was in place as I heaved a deep breath.
This was my first promotional event.
Nervous jitters were probably an understatement.
“Deepti Di, Swati Di, you’ve outdone yourselves once again.” I smiled at them reassuringly as they met my eye with similar smiles of gratitude on their faces.
“Go and kill it, Mallika!” They cheered me on as I stepped out of my hotel room, the anklets on my feet jingling with each step.
I still had a good fifteen minutes left until we were to meet in the main lobby. A bridge connecting to the hotel stretched over a lake to the conference hall, where our promotional event had been scheduled. Having nothing better to do, I decided to get a breath of fresh air as a way to calm my nerves.
Only as soon as I climbed four flights of stairs down to the ground floor lobby and hoped for a moment of solitude on one of the benches on the outdoor premises of the hotel, I saw another figure perched upon the only empty bench. Decked up in his attire, the peacock feather swaying about in the evening wind.
I groaned in frustration, ready to distance myself once again when I saw something in his hand that made my brows furrow. He seemed to have engaged in an internal debate, deciding whether to give in or not.
I walked towards him, unable to resist myself, “Need any help?”
He looked up to his right from where I was approaching, a permanent scowl on his face. His hazel green orbs had disappeared behind his brown contacts, the black tee and denims replaced with a yellow embroidered ‘dhoti’ and a vibrant red scarf draped effortlessly around his torso. I noticed his palms completely clad in alta, similar to the soles of his feet as he swung them back and forth aimlessly.
“I thought you’d decided on maintaining your distance.”
I rolled my eyes at his retort. Of course he had to bring this up.
“Correction. You forced me to make that decision.” I pointed out as I sat next to him, leaving a few inches between us.
The scenery ahead of us was nothing short of alluring, the calm waves of lakewater rippling through my insides. The place looked empty save for a few hotel staff roaming around.
“You didn’t seem to mind.” He spoke nonchalantly.
I shrugged, “True.”
“Then what made you change your mind?” His eyes met mine as I gulped at the brimming tension.
I cleared my throat soon enough, “Couldn’t see someone committing suicide and not do anything about it.”
His brows shot to his forehead as he wore an incredulous expression, “What?”
“Well, simplistically speaking, slow death.” I looked towards the cigarette in his hand.
He chuckled a little and I realized that was the first time I’d seen him do that. My lips curved upwards playfully as he toyed around with the object in hand.
“I thought you’d have more of a reaction than a shrug.” He observed.
“I’ve known worse.” I commented, refusing to delve deeper into the topic. Not today.
He seemed to have understood because he nodded in understanding and shifted his gaze ahead. I took a moment for the silence to settle between us, noticing how eerily comforting it was this time. I looked at him from the corner of my eye to find lines of worry spread across his face. He fidgeted with his fingers, playing with the stick aimlessly.
“Why did you succumb to this?” I asked eventually, letting out a sigh.
He looked intently at the cigarette before fixing his turban, “It helps calm me down.”
“Among other things.” I muttered to myself in disgust.
“I heard that.” He cast a glare and for a second I could see the hazel in his eyes peek out from his colored contact lenses.
“I never said I didn’t want you to.” I smirked at him as he snorted lightly, throwing back a laugh.
“What are you nervous about?” I formulated, hoping he would cordially answer.
He pondered for a minute, as if reliving some incident that had traumatized him. I felt him shudder a little before responding with a sad smile, “I don’t do well with crowds.”
That was odd. I thought he was well versed with the entertainment industry and its chaotic buzz. “I didn’t expect that.”
“Expectations aren’t a great thing anyways.” He blurted icily, as if referring to a past incident I was oblivious to. Something had left him cynical, perhaps after breaking his heart.
“You’re analyzing me again.” He said, pointing at the supposed frown and scrutinized eyes on my face.
I immediately straightened, shifting a strand of hair behind my ear as I bit my lip in nervousness.
“I can’t help it sometimes.” I admitted sheepishly, feeling the color tint my cheeks as he fixed his gaze on me.
He let out a chuckle, “I know.”
My fingers debate grabbing the hazardous object from his hand and my words finally refrain from any action, “Does it help?”
He raised his eyebrows in confusion while I pointed towards the cigarette he was about to light.
“My mind knows it doesn’t. But the rest of me is too weak to let it go.” He confessed, his gaze not wavering from mine. I smiled at his honesty as I realized this was probably the longest we had conversed without spitting venom at each other.
My eyes widened at the realization that he understood too, for he repeated his earlier words with a chortle, “I know.”
I joined him as we laughed at the absurdity of the situation for an entire minute. It seemed too surreal to be true.
My fingers laced with each other on my lap as I cleared my throat at the suggestion I was about to make, “You know, talking helps too.”
“No one’s stayed that long.” He blurted unknowingly as a pang of guilt filled my heart. He shook his head tersely and corrected himself, “I’m not much of a ‘heart-to-heart conversation’ kinda guy. I’m sure you’ve figured that out.”
“I think you’re stopping yourself from being that guy.” Our orbs met, and this time genuinity flowed from his and empathy from mine. The connection between us crackled once again, but the leering tension has dissipated, leaving behind a soothing understanding.
I finally stretched my hand out and took the cigarette stick from him, throwing it at a nearby trash bin, “As far as the nervousness is concerned, it’s natural. It shows you’re human. You don’t need to numb the feeling. You just need to control it.”
“You’ve got an entire pep talk planned out, don’t you?” He smirked at me as I shyly looked away.
Turning to him, I revealed, “Well, I had decided on giving one to myself, but you seem like you really need it too.”
He pushed his hands up in defeat as I continued, “You’re not the only one nervous here. But you’re going to be okay. You’ll get through this, because you know you always do, no matter how big of a challenge this looks to be. Have faith in yourself, not on what people want you to believe. You don’t know them, they’re insignificant. So, believe in yourself. You’ll be fine.”
By the time I finished my pep talk, his face looked a little relaxed and I felt a lot of my nerves calm down too.
“This is what you had planned on telling yourself?” His eyes flickered with mischief as his voice sounded a lot more boisterous.
“Somewhat along those lines.” I shrugged, suddenly noticing how habituated I was becoming of this gesture.
“Wow.” He exclaimed in whispers as I justified, “It’s better than ruining your lungs.”
“Yeah well, not everyone has that kind of talent.” He mustered in nonchalance.
I covered my heart with my hand in exaggerated surprise, “Did Sumedh Mudgalkar just give me a compliment?”
A few short chuckles followed as he smirked, “I was being generous.”
“I knew you had it in you. No one can stay this arrogant their entire life.” My lips curved into a smug smile.
His laughter died down in his throat as he grew grim again. Before he could caution, I promised, “I won’t tell anyone. Not about your fear, not about your generosity. Not until you want me to.”
He gave a gratuitous smile with a surreptitious nod before looking ahead, “I think we should still stick to a profess--”
“O Narayan, not again.” I groaned, referring to our show as his shoulders started shaking and his hand reached his stomach out of laughter.
I looked at him, in curiosity or admiration I couldn’t exactly decipher.
Perhaps fifteen minutes were enough to change perceptions.
