Chapter 4 - Socially Distancing

 Better to stay apart

Consuming. 

That was the power of one stare. I could bet on the fact that he was a charmer, that anyone with a pair of eyes as alluring as his could manage to enchant more than half the female population, no doubt. His gaze had managed to hold me hostage, rendering the rest of the world in complete oblivion. 

It was intimidating. Yet it made me feel safe. 

Something about his orbs felt reassuring. Protective, even. That didn’t treat me as an outsider, as a debutante in the industry I had chosen as my career. Something about the depth of his eyes promised to share every darkest secret, coaxed me to share every treacherous past of my own. Something about his hazel greens negated every stereotypical envy and replaced it with familiar positive happiness.

“Thank you…” I murmured unknowingly, expressing my gratitude for this moment. For this insight that has perhaps changed my perception of him.

He gazed further into my orbs, as if rummaging for an answer. An answer to a question I wasn’t aware of. And yet I tried to relax, my shoulders sagging in indication, as I bared my soul to him. Willingly yet unconsciously. As if captivated by his gaze.

His fingers brushed over my knuckles before clasping them tightly, the coolness of his hand sending shivers down my back. I gulped at his response, letting a curious breath escape my lips as I wondered how I had allowed his charm to seep within me.

“Thank you.” He repeated in response, his voice low and husky rippling through my insides. 

His lips curved from one end, a genuine expression painted on his face. My brain went into overdrive thinking of reasons behind his acknowledgement. 

Was it just out of formality? Or had I created a similar experience for him like he had for me?  Had he felt the jitters, the electricity sizzling between us too?

“Mallika, Sumedh?” Basant’s voice echoed in my ears as I retreated tersely, immediately missing the proximity between us. 

I frowned to myself, my mind reprimanding my heart for feeling this way.

Sumedh cleared his throat and looked away, refusing to meet my gaze, and for a second I regretted being this vulnerable in front of him. He stiffened, the ‘professionalism’ marking its way back into his composure as he walked away. I watched him mutter something to Basant before striding towards his vanity van. My shoulders slumped in dejection as I rubbed my forehead in grimace. Finding a plastic chair astray a few steps away, I walked towards it, the anklets on my bare feet tinkling with each step. I sighed onto the chair, forgetting all mannerisms of etiquette as I shifted one leg over the other and hoped to clear my head.

“Hey.” Basant voiced his presence with a concerned look as I tried to smile.

“Hi.” I reciprocated meekly. 

“You okay?” He asked the question I had been trying to avoid asking myself. 

“Yeah, just tired, I guess.” I attempted an excuse. 

His brows arched in scrutiny while his hands folded in front of his chest, clearly unconvinced with my answer.

Grabbing another chair, he sat in front of me, “You both seemed to be in a trance there.” Basant pointed to where spot boys were now removing lights and cameras. 

“It was just me and my delusion.” I scoffed with a shrug.

“I don’t think so.” He spoke with such determination it made me look in his direction.

He continued, “I’ve never seen him this caught up in the moment. Trust me, I’ve seen him act with other actresses before.” Basant finished with a chuckle.

I raised my brows in question when he elaborated, “I’ve known Sumedh for a while now. We had auditioned for a lead role a few years ago. And while he got the role on-screen, I got the friendship off-screen.”

I shared his smile before saying. “Wow. I’m surprised you became friends.”

“You thought we’d be professional enemies of some sort?” He smirked with a chortle.

I feigned frustration as I groaned, “Oh God, if I hear the word ‘professional’ one more time…”

“Too much for you already?” He continued to chuckle as I shook my head in disappointment. 

“It’s hard to miss when you’re talking to him.” 

“It’s hard to not have that trait rub off on you.” He added. “I was quite frustrated with that too, until I realized it actually made sense…to some extent, applicable to some people.” 

“Well, I fortunately haven’t reached the point of enlightenment yet.” My voice dripped with playful sarcasm as I heaved a sigh in relief. 

This was what I needed right now; distracting banter.

“You will sooner than later, seeing the chemistry you have with him.” He smirked, his eyes glinting with mischief and hope.

I shook my head in denial, “Trust me, it’s just for the show. We can’t stand each other behind the cameras.”

“Of course, that explains how you two were in your own little world for nearly fifteen minutes after the director called for pack-up.” 

I felt my cheeks redden in embarrassment as I shied away. Clearing my throat at his interrogative stare, I explained, “That was just in the spur of the moment. Nothing else.” 

I felt my heart clench at the statement, the organ suddenly knowing how untrue those words were. 

Basant’s gaze softened as he spoke in whispers, “I know Sumedh, Mallika. And I’ve started knowing you too. Don’t run away from this, don’t run away from him. This might lead into something beautiful, something you both have unknowingly been searching for.” 

His pensive look eluded towards secrets of Sumedh only he knew. Secrets I had seen a glint of in his hazel green orbs. Secrets I wasn’t sure I’d be a part of. 

I passed an empathic look as I shook my head, “No matter the friendship we have, you’re a great friend to him, Basant. Which is why I get why you wish for his happiness. I do too, despite his annoying personality.” I giggled and he joined me too. 

“But I won’t be his happiness, it’s impossible. He and I are worlds apart in everything. His theories don’t go well with mine..” I recalled our series of arguments.

With a deep sigh I continued, “We’re toxic for each other. We will be if we become something more. It’s better if we stay this way, ‘professional’ with each other.” I emphasized on the now considered taboo word, sadly giggling to myself. 

I stood up and nodded at him, indicating this conversation had become too serious.

“I’ll see you around, Basant.” I decided to bade him goodbye as he nodded in affirmation.

I had taken no more than four steps in the direction of my vanity van before he called out once again, “I could bet on you both becoming something more, Mallika.” 

I thinned my lips sardonically before answering, “I’d be surprised if we ever became friends.”

————

Once I physically came back to reality, with my hoodie and sweatpants, I recalled my conversation with Basant, a fear creeping up to me of the possibility of his words coming true. I feared developing a relationship with someone who probably opposed everything I believed in. But what scared me more were the consequences. My instincts warned that a relationship beyond friendship would lead to nothing but downfall. Just a stare had left me so consumed. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what a relationship would do.

I shuddered at the possibility; in fear or excitement, I couldn’t decipher yet. 

I needed to distance myself from him, I resolved. I could step away before falling deep. Obliterate every hope, douse every fire he ignited within me. It was for the best; for both of us. We’d remain professional, just like he said. No feelings attached.

Which is why I cancelled our ride back home today. Instead, I booked an Ola cab; hoping for satisfaction to swarm my heart but finding regret gnawing at it. I shook my head as my mind coerced. 

This was right. This was what needed to be done. 

—————

The ride back home was silent. 

And oddly pleasant. 

The driver wasn’t much of a talker, and became the exact companion I needed to clear my head. I requested for natural air over the AC and found a smile brimming on my lips when he complied. My hair danced frivolously amidst the cool air, the faint melody of Bollywood songs echoing from the car stereo.

It was the first time I felt like the girl I was before he entered into my life. I felt carefree, happy. I had the rest of the day planned. In control. No reckless emotions, no haphazard thoughts. Just happiness and positivity.

And the hope that things will fall into their right place. They always do. 

As soon as the cab curbed towards Prakriti Towers, I expressed a ‘thank you’ and stepped out. Taking the first elevator of Tower B, I stepped in and checked my phone for pending messages. A guy from the management had messaged, asking whether I had any problems with the carpooling arrangement. I typed back a polite response, justifying it as needing to head somewhere other than my house.

Another lie. From a person who never lied. Oh well, it was for the best, anyways. 

I rang the doorbell, hearing the shuffling of footsteps as I smiled in glee. This wasn’t going to be a repeat of last night. 

“Mallika…” My mom opened the door with her arms stretched out for a hug.

“Mumma.” I wrapped my arms around her as I felt warmth surround me. Nothing compared to a mother’s hug.

“How was your day?” She asked out of habit, taking in my satchel that I insisted I keep in its place.

I closed the door and breathed a succinct response, “Eventful.”

She eyed me suspiciously, knowing well that something had been going on. Before I could say anything to deviate from the topic, she reassured, “Let’s have dinner first.”

“Thank you.” I whispered before going to my room to freshen up.

————-

“Your cooking skills are beyond comparison, Mumma.” I relished her ‘Paneer Makhani’ with warm and crispy rotis.

She thanked me for the appreciation before offering me some of the chicken curry.

I debated on how to reveal this before realizing there was no better way than to bluntly speak the truth.

“I’ve decided to turn vegetarian.” I look up to catch her bewildered look.

I elaborate, “It just doesn’t feel right, knowing the role I’m playing. Somehow I feel I’m betraying Radha by…I know it probably doesn’t make sense—“

“I’m proud of you, Mallika.” She intervened, putting my anxious thoughts to rest. She covered the dish with chicken curry with its lid and clutched my hand on the dining table. 

I smiled in gratitude before forming my next question, “Did you speak to Dad?” 

Her face fell and she looked away as I sighed. “Mumma, this isn’t going to work if you don’t try.”

“There’s nothing left to be worked on, Mallika. Why don’t you just give up on this?”

“Because he’s my father!” I bursted in agony, perplexed at why my mother failed to understand this every time.

“I need him in my life too. Just like I need you.”

“He abandoned you. He left us, don’t you remember?” Her voice had turned insolently cold.

I hung my head, “I know. But he deserves another chance.”

“He doesn’t value it.”

“Do you?”

She shook in burning rage as I continued, “Mumma, you need to give him a chance.” 

“No I don’t! He doesn’t deserve it after all that he’s done. We are a broken family Mallika, and it’s time you accept that.” 

“No I don’t. We aren’t Mumma! This is just a little bump, an issue that can be resolved if we all want to. He is my Dad, and we are family. No matter how much you deny it.” I emphasized on every word, not letting the positivity evade my heart.

“It’s you that’s living in denial, Mallika.” She concluded, turning back to her food.

I stared at her for a long, hard moment before lashing out, “You say that too.”

My words caught her attention as concern flooded through her face, “Is everything okay?” 

“Everything is fine, Mumma.” I deflected, playing with the morsels of food in front of me. 

“Did something happen on set? Did Sumedh say something?” I looked up at her, wondering how she always managed to see through me. 

“How do you know?”

Her lips curved into a distant smile as she covered her hand over mine, lightly clutching it, “Do you remember our conversation yesterday?”

I recalled her asking me to say cautious, not to speak my heart in fear I’d offend him. It was only yesterday, yet it felt like an eternity ago.

I nodded, revealing with a scornful smile, “I guess I didn’t follow your advice entirely.”

“Did you two fight?”

I chuckled at the simplicity of the question, suddenly pitying myself. “It’s all we do.”

“What happened?” She asked once again. 

I shrugged before rubbing my forehead with my free hand, “It’s complicated. He and I are complete opposites at everything, Mumma. He’s not even open to friendship. It’s as if he’s scared someone will judge him for his real self, so he’s built his walls so high he doesn’t allow anyone in. Not me, at least.”

A moment of silence prevailed before my mother made the revelation, “You care about him.”

“I care about everyone, Mumma.” I shrugged as a passing comment. 

My mother shook her head, “This is different.”

My face contorted in pain as Basant’s voice echoed in my ears. 

I gulped before agreeing, “This is different. Because it’s annoying. It’s constantly on my mind and I hate it. I hate what it changes me into.”

She continued to rub over my hand in consolation when she asked, “So what have you decided on doing?”

“I’ll keep it professional, just like he wants. No words exchanged, the distance between us the only constant. Completely void of emotion.” I realized how tenacious I sounded, more so than when I thought it through. 

I stood up with my now empty plate in hand as I walked towards the kitchen.

My mom’s voice called out to me, “You think you’ll be able to do this?” Is this truly what you want?”

I clenched my free hand into a fist, trying to keep my emotions in check.

“I know it’s all he’ll ever want. I know it’s all we can ever be.”