Chapter 24:- Unplanned Confessions

 There's never a right time to confess. There's never a wrong time either.

All I could hear were insolent sobs. All I could feel were her trembling shoulders under my grip. All I could think about were the numerous questions that were now desperately seeking answers. Begged for them, even. 

And all she did was mumble a cascade of meaningless apologies.

“Will you stop crying, for God’s sake.” I huffed in despair, letting go of her as she slumped against the wall.

Turning my back to her, I rubbed my forehead in frustration, trying to ebb off the threatening headache. It had been way too long since I had something substantial to eat, longer since I had more than a few hours of restless sleep.

“I’m sorry, Sameer.” Her voice peeked through my thoughts, making me shudder at how torn she sounded.

My shoulders sagged in defeat as I spoke, “I need answers, Naina.” The word ‘sorry’ just seemed so redundant in our lives fabricated with lies now.

“It was the least I could do, for us.” She began, startling me. I hadn’t expected her to give in this soon, considering she had deflected this topic for the past month or so after we bumped into each other again.

Why did things change so drastically between us so soon? Why didn’t time matter when it came to us? Why did friendship progress into love in two months? Why did love break apart into nothingness in one?

“I thought ‘us’ did not exist anymore.” I muttered coldly.

“It did for me. It still does.” She affirmed with a hint of determination.

I turned around to face a tear-stricken Naina Agarwal looking up at me, her lower lip tormented between her teeth, her eyes blazing with a fire waiting to be coaxed.

“Why?” I repeated my earlier question, not ready to face the tenacity in her orbs. One thing at a time.

Her brown orbs bored into my black ones as she repeated, “I can’t be pregnant with someone I don’t love.”

The intensity of her words shook through me as I croaked, “I thought you married the man you loved.”

“I gave my heart and soul to the man I loved. Surrendered everything else that remained to the man I married.” A tear slipped past her cheek as I swallowed a lump in my throat. 

My fingers itched to caress her face, my lips tingled to soothe her worries away with a lingering kiss, my presence missed being close to her. But my mind reprimanded for everything my heart reminded, warning me of the betrayal she had already given, the heart she had already crushed, the pain she was capable of giving if I let myself be vulnerable again.

When she found me searching for words, she continued, “Mummy expressed her desire for a grandson two months into our marriage. It was easier pretending to be coy about intimacy before. But it got a lot harder when Rohit started wanting it too.” My hands curled into fists at imagining Rohit caressing a writhing Naina beneath him, thrusting into her with unashamed force.

“I tried to delay it with various excuses. Claiming I wasn’t well or I was too tired. At times it worked, but mostly...he got his way around in bed.” 

I shut my eyes in agony, the veins in my neck probably on the verge of popping out as I tried to control my rage. I couldn’t imagine them together. Couldn’t stand the thought of my Naina with that leech.

“I had no other option but to declare myself infertile. If I could prove that, he would stop trying. Mummy wouldn’t relent from the constant taunts but anything was better than an unwanted child at the time.” Her voice lessened to a mere whisper as I opened my eyes, trying to find a lie in her story.

“This is the truth, Sameer. I’m not lying.” She clarified the next instant, her body slumped into lifelessness, the fire in her eyes reduced to a faint glimmer.

“How did you arrange a fake infertility report?” I asked in interrogation.

Her mouth opened to say something before she shut it again. Her face twisted in pain as if reminiscing a memory she wanted to forget before uttering, “Swati.”

Her best friend, Swati? How?

“She always wanted to be an obstetrician; a doctor specializing in pregnancy. She was a practicing nurse when I approached her three years ago.”

“You married when you were just eighteen?! What the hell were you thinking?!” I shrieked out at the revelation.

“That’s when I wrote you the letter, Sameer! I wasn’t packing for a vacation in Goa, my father had decided to marry me off.” She lashed back.

Straightening herself to meet my eye, she asked, “How do you know about the letter, Sameer?”

I tilted my face to meet her prying gaze, “You had really pegged me for a fool, Naina. You thought I’d never try?”

“What do you mean?” Her forehead crinkled as fear rose in her voice.

“You left a week before school officially ended. Preeti didn’t. It didn’t take long for me to convince her to reveal the truth about the existence of another letter.”

She stuttered, “S-so you knew? For the past three years? And yet…”

“I did, Naina. And yet it hurt. Because you couldn’t trust me enough to share your misery with me. You didn’t leave, you fled. You fled the moment things got a little out of control.” I retorted, unable to keep inside the pent up anger.

“You can’t say that, Sameer. You don’t know what I was going through--”

“Did you have any idea what I was going through, Naina? What I’ve gone through for the past three years?!”

“It’s why I changed the letter, Sameer! I thought you’d start hating me, that it would make things easier.”

“You certainly didn’t think a lot of my love for you then.” I scoffed icily before walking to the door.

“Can you prove me wrong? You’re being reckless again, just like I thought you would if you had read the original letter. I couldn’t risk your life by pulling you into mine, Sameer!” She flung her arms in the air as she hollered against the blaring music emanating outside.

I took three long strides towards her until I could touch her nose with the tip of mine, her erratic breathing mingling with my controlled ones.

“You didn’t risk my life, Naina. You ended it. I may be reckless, but at least I have the spine to stand up for those I love. Can I say the same about you?”

With that, I stormed out the room, leaving Naina and my heart in another jumbled mess.

----------

Visions. Of a beaming Naina looking at herself in the mirror.

She looks nothing short of splendid. Her hair is a few inches shorter than they used to be, ending just above the small of her back. Still curtaining her face in soft waves, she has pinned the shorter front locks off her face.

Her eyes hold a sense of surrendered satisfaction, not the usual fiery glimmer I always found. Her cheeks are tainted crimson against her wheatish skin, her lips a lighter hue of red. She wears a ruby colored anarkali, her dupatta blending into shades of white. Naina looks perfect. 

It seems too surreal. And that’s when it clicks. 

The black beaded wedding necklace hanging precariously down her neck. The diamond ring gleaming on her third finger. The reserved smile she holds only for her husband.

She isn’t the Naina Agarwal I knew. She is the Naina Goenka I don’t want to familiarize myself with. 

Her arm weaves around her strangely swollen belly, rubbing her lower abdomen carefully, like a gentle caress. A pair of hands rest on her shoulders and she looks up to find that leech suited in a tailored tuxedo. His hand slithers around hers, caging her protectively as they stand content.

Too content. 

They turn around soon enough, preparing to leave for some place when Naina spots me, her feet rooted to her spot. Her eyes darken with an emotion I’ve never seen and she mumbles something I cannot hear.

I realize I’m on the other side of the bedroom window. Waiting to be heard. Admiring the one I love the most. 

Her brat of a husband comes up to the window sill, his eyes condescending, his lips hanging in a sly smirk. He opens the window on her insistence, marring the overconfident face with a tinge of annoyance.

I smile a little as the window opens, resembling it to a ray of hope as Naina walks up to me. I try to say something, anything. How beautiful she looks. How happy I am to see her. I want to ask why she has a swollen tummy. Is everything okay? Is she in pain?

I want to tell her how much I love her.

But I can’t bring the words out of my mouth. All I’m left with is an unsettling silence. Rohit asks something about taking me with them. I nod frantically, accepting anything to be close to Naina. I try to say something in response when her cold answer makes me waver, “No.”

“Stop following me, Sameer. Stop pining for me. It’s not worth it. Don’t you see how happy I am? Can’t you see how much I love my husband? It was never you, Sameer. It’s never going to be.” She speaks with such startling certainty. Her orbs don’t flicker with doubt, her lips don’t quiver with want.

“But you loved me.” I finally manage to say, my voice uncannily hoarse. 

“Exactly.” Her voice is a soft murmur, just like my Naina, before she reverts back to her cold, wife tone. “It doesn’t exist anymore. You don’t exist for me anymore, Sameer. Go back to where you came from.” She shoos me away with a wave of hand.

I clutch the ends of the window sill, tilting on my toes as I plead, “I don’t have anywhere to go, Naina.”

She scoffs, “Your mother abandoned you. Your friends gave up on you. How can you expect me to even care for you, Sameer?”

Rohit joins her in their sarcastic chuckle as the reality settles in.

Before I can say something in my defense, she brings herself up to the double doors of the Victorian style windows, eyeing me with a cruel look before shutting the doors on me.

My worst fears have come true. I’ve been abandoned.

And I’m drowning in a dark abyss, praying for my last breath. I want nothing more than death. 

----------

A tug on my shoulder. 

I groaned in irritation, wanting it to go away. A moment of silence prevailed and I finally felt I could rejoice in my death.

But the tugging returned. This time with greater force. I could hear a voice calling out my name, maybe two. The pulls hovered from my shoulders to my arms, making me whine in complaint.

“What the hell. Just let me die!” I groaned sluggishly, peeking through my eyes to find two surprisingly familiar faces.

“Sameer!” They shouted in unison, holding me by my arms, making my head fall against the back of the bed. One of them instructed the other for a glass of water and something else, the footsteps of the other very hurried and urgent.

What was wrong? 

The other guy returned within a few seconds. One handed me the glass filled with water, the other two tablets, both of them constantly ordering me to swallow it in one gulp, asking me whether I was feeling any better.

Pain stung through my chest, the intensity reaching straight to my soul. I wished to holler at the top of my lungs. Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face. My throat felt constricted. My limbs felt numb. And that’s when the haziness disappeared. And the soothing darkness beckoned out to me. 

I happily agreed. 

----------

I found myself amidst rustling cotton sheets when my eyes scrutinized at the glare. I covered my face with the palm of my hand, wanting for the brightness to go away.

A pair of hands made their way back to my shoulders, the other person drawing the curtains to a dim light.

Maybe they were the same two people I felt a while ago.

I adjusted my vision to my surroundings, finding myself in the comfort of my room. I cleared my throat, feeling it to be more parched than I ever thought possible. A glass of water approached in front of me without asking for it and I mutter a word of gratitude before swallowing it down my throat, immediately feeling at ease.

“Your Nanaji wouldn’t be too happy seeing you raid his precious stock.” I recognized the voice to be Munna’s and I find him on my right, his arms crossed before his shirt, a grim expression on his face.

I rubbed my eyes, rolling my shoulders to remove any signs of stiffness as I felt the corner of my bed dip. 

“What the hell were you thinking, Sameer?” His words made me flinch. Pandit. 

My best friends. My pillars of strength. 

I looked around to find five empty bottles of whiskey stacked in one corner of the room and groaned in frustration at the revelation.

“Alcohol and antidepressant pills? Are you crazy, Sameer?” Munna retaliated with disappointment as I looked away in shame.

“How long was I out?” I asked when I couldn’t remember what day it was.

“More than a day. Who knows?” Pandit shrugged, his brows arched in worry as I frowned. 

“What do you mean?” 

“We saw you with Naina in the cafeteria on Friday. We assumed you left with her that day considering we lost you afterwards.” Munna explained.

“Wait, what day is it today?” I heard the fear rising in my voice. 

“Monday.”

“What?!” I shrieked. How has it been two days already?

Pandit’s voice lowered to a whisper as he interrogated, “What’s the last thing you remember, Sameer?”

“I…” I remembered Naina. Her mother-in-law. Her silence to the constant taunts. Her infertility excuse. Her confession.

That’s when memories of a slightly different Naina rushed past me, making me jerk in concern. Had she moved on so soon?

“Is Naina pregnant?” I blurted in question, face-palming myself the next instant at their incredulous expressions.

“Okay, hold on please. Here I thought he might have lost memory, but he’s supposedly gone ahead in time.” Pandit tried to joke when my other best friend intervened.

“Sameer, Naina is not pregnant. Not that I’m aware of.” He added as an afterthought. 

“In fact, we found out from you that she was married.”

“Yeah, what’s that about?” Pandit asked, reaching out to me. 

I couldn’t hide it any longer. One word was enough to explain the entire situation, “Rohit.”

It took a moment of silence to refresh their memories, “Rohit as in Rohit Goenka? The liar in school?”

I let out a humorless chuckle as I nodded, “She found the truth in his lies because she couldn’t stop looking for lies in my truth.”

Munna shook his head wearily, “There has to be some other reason. She wouldn’t have--”

“Oh yeah, there was this confession about her helplessness and how she had no other choice.” I mocked.

Pandit retorted instantly, “Why do you let her get to you then, Sameer? If you think all she says is a lie, why do you still believe her? Why do you let her affect you so much?”

I felt a ton of bricks being pushed down my throat as Munna answered, “No matter what she does, you can’t let her go, Sameer. You love her too much to let her go.”

I tried to scoff in denial, “She can do whatever she wants with that liar of a husband of hers. I couldn’t care any less.”

“And yet you do, Sameer. Or else you wouldn’t have been drowning yourself to the point of danger at her confession. Instead, you would have been getting ready for your anniversary week with your girlfriend.” Pandit pointed out, making my face twist in dejection.

Before I could form a substantial comeback to prove them wrong, the cordless telephone handset rang on my bedside table.

I raised a brow in curiosity, wondering who’d call me now.

My eyes instantly hovered over my best friends, my fear asking an unvoiced question. 

“Don’t worry. We haven’t told anyone, no matter how much we wanted to.” Pandit assured as he stood up from the bed.

“But you might want to answer that, it’s the tenth ring since this morning.” Munna suggested with a slight smirk that left me confused.

I skeptically watched them leave the room before putting the phone out of its misery.

“Hello?”

A voice resonated from the other end. A voice I knew too well. A voice that had said these very words a lifetime ago.

“Do you have any idea how worried I was?!” 

“Um, Naina?” I asked dubiously, pushing the receiver of the telephone further against my ear.

“What were you thinking, Sameer?” Her question echoed from the other end.

“Maybe I wasn’t.” I shrugged casually and I heard her sigh. 

“You really had to go for the hoops well knowing how risky it was.”

I tried to deny it, “It wasn’t that dangerous.”

“You were surrounded by the opposing team. They were practically waiting for you to take their bait and you did.” She reprimanded. 

“It was worth it.” I defended myself. 

“Yeah right, a twisted ankle and bruised ribs were definitely worth a win in a petty school basketball game.”

“Well that’s not all. You called too, for the first time.” I smirked at the sound of her nervous hesitance.

“I...um..”

“How did you get my number?” I asked quizzically.

How hurt are you?” She dodged my question.

“Have you consulted a doctor? Do you need any stitches? Is everything okay?” She bombarded with questions laced with concern.

“I’m fine.” I replied succinctly, thrown off guard at the sudden showering of care. No one had worried over me this much. Definitely not a ‘friend’ I’d known for just around a month.

“You didn’t answer my questions.” She caught on. 

“Neither did you.” I wasn’t one to relent.

“My answer to your question isn’t relevant compared to your answers to mine.”

I chuckled a little before praising, “Excellent play of words.”

“I’ve learnt from the best.” She beamed in joy as I bit my lip in embarrassment.

“Which is why I can identify when you artfully change the topic.” Her voice turned stern as I pulled the receiver an inch away from me.

“Does anything hurt?” She pressed, the uncanny worry evident in her tone.

“Nah.” I brushed off.

“You don’t need to pull off that macho attitude in front of me, Sameer.” She giggled. 

“I don’t think so. I need to make a good impression, after all.”

“You already have.” Her whisper made my breath hitch.

“The school nurse tended to me right after the game. It doesn’t hurt too much, I’ll survive.” I finally answered.

“Good.” I could hear the smile in her voice as she sighed contentedly.

“You seem a lot relaxed all of a sudden.” I pointed out.

“I am now, knowing you are a lot better than what I saw in school.”

I was astounded at the softness of my words, “Why do you care so much?”

“You have no right to lash out at me like this, Sameer.” She spoke rigidly when I repeated the same words, only in a much harsher tone.

“You’ve lost the right to care for me, Naina.” I retorted coldly, hearing a painful intake of breath on the other end.

When she resumed, her voice was a lot softer, “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you since Friday night.”

I gulped, debating whether I should reveal the truth to her. Denying my earlier thought, I answered, “I’ve been out.”

“Out, where?” She pestered, her tone cynical. 

“I don’t feel the need to answer to you.”

She sighed in defeat before asking, “I was worried.”

“You don’t need to. I have a girlfriend.” I stated callously.

She scoffed, “That doesn’t mean anything to me. I was nothing to you three years ago when I called you for the first time in worry.”

“How did you get my number?” I asked incredulously.

Her voice relaxed and I could feel her widening grin, “I broke into the administration building with Swati’s help and found your contact details.”

I shook my head, “I didn’t think of you to have a rebellious streak.”

Naina corrected instantly, “I wasn’t rebellious. I was concerned.”

“I doubt it.” I muttered sourly, audible enough for her to hear.

“You certainly don’t think a lot of my love for you.” My words echoed through her.

“You never gave us a chance.” My voice cracked in realization.

Each time we came close to confessing, one of our actions ruined it all. It happened with my bet. It happened with her betrayal.

“I thought you didn’t believe in an ‘us’.” Her voice broke into early signs of hysteria.

“It’s the one thing I’ve never stopped believing in, Naina.” I confessed, unable to lie right now.

“Me too, Sameer. Me too.” Her admission made my heart soar and fall back into an empty pit all at once.

She was married. I had a girlfriend. No matter how much we wanted otherwise, life had made us move on.

All that left were the distant dreams of an ‘us’.