Chapter 23:- All Worth It

 Despite the sacrifices and the never ending pain

“What did you just say?” I hissed in breathlessness, pushing the cup of ‘masala chai’ on the table in front of me.

He continued to smirk unabashedly, lifting his elbows onto the table before reiterating, “Exactly what you heard, Naina Agarwal. Or should I say, Naina Goenka?” His eyes darkened in fury as he gritted through his teeth.

“Why are you doing this, Sameer?” I begged, startled at how vulnerable I had become in front of him.

He shifted his gaze to the ceiling, as if in thought, “Well, I thought of reacquainting myself with someone, and what better way to meet your husband than inviting myself over to your house.” He spoke acridly, spitting venom when he uttered the word ‘husband’. 

I shook my head vigorously, tears threatening to spill. I couldn’t let my past hinder my present, could not torment my already devastated life. “What makes you think I’ll agree to this?”

He chuckled to himself before snarling sarcastically, “Well, it’s either this or I tell your hubby dearest about our scandalous incident.” His fingers hovered over his lips, reminding me of our kiss. A sole moment of bliss in my life that had occurred not longer than a day ago yet felt like a lifetime apart.

I refused to let my face redden in embarrassment, excusing it to be my boiling rage at his impertinence before correcting, “Rohit won’t believe you. No one will.”

He stiffened at the name of my husband before composing himself. His fingers intertwined with each other as he perched his chin, “Oh yeah? And they’ll believe you?” 

I simply nodded as he scoffed, “He won’t. Because you can’t lie, Naina. Anyone who knows you can see right through you.”

“I hid my past from you for three years. You couldn’t.” I pointed out, my voice wavering.

“I didn’t know you, I thought I did. But your husband does know you, understands you, cares for you, doesn’t he? You think you’ll be able to lie to him?” 

I hated that he knew my weakest point and was using it to his advantage. I hated that I saw nothing but rage and pity in his eyes for me. I hated his condescending stare as he put forth his demands. 

I hated that he could still see through me. 

Gulping the glass cup of tea, or whatever remained, I found a little more courage to deny, “I’m not doing this.”

Sameer leaned in, and yet again managed to break my resolve, “C’mon Naina. After all that betrayal you’ve given, don’t you think I deserve a little truth?

My brows furrowed at his choice of words, “What do you mean?”

His voice had lowered to a whisper yet his words coursed through my veins like an electric shock, “I need to know that Rohit isn’t just a pawn in your grand scheme of things. Did you think I would fall for your lies again like I did with your letter?” 

My breath hitched as realization dawned upon me. He knew about the letter.

----------

“Take the next right.” I instructed the driver as the auto swerved to a narrow lane. I avoided the lingering gaze of my co-passenger, afraid one look would unleash a dam of tears I had meticulously succumbed inside me.

He knew. 

When? How? I had no idea. Neither did I have the courage to ask.

I had been treading on eggshells around him when I realized I was afraid. Afraid what he would do. What he was probably going through right now. Afraid he’d break every remaining relation between us, even if it was filled with hatred. 

I was afraid I'd lose him forever. And in the process I’d lose whatever sanity I had left in me.

From the corner of my eye, I found him looking outside aimlessly, his long strands of hair swaying in front of his eyelids. Grateful for my hair that now served as a curtain between us, I fidgeted with the loose threads of my light blue anarkali kurti.

“Two buildings ahead.” I answered when the driver asked for the exact location.

Fixing the white dupatta around my neck, I shuffled through my satchel, removing my maroon rimmed glasses and storing them in my case. In its place I pulled out a black and golden beaded necklace with a diamond drop pendant in the middle - the proof of my marriage.

Sameer instantly scoured in my direction as I attached the piece of jewelry around my neck, it’s weight feeling nothing less than the burden of a ton of bricks.

“Another facade?” He asked icily, hovering his index fingers over me. 

“They are just reading glasses, I only need them for lectures anyways. And um..Rohit likes it when I wear this.” I answered, not meeting his eye.

He scoffed, letting out a forced chuckle, “Of course. He needs the reminder that he can assert authority over you.” 

I couldn’t even deny that.

Stopping the auto driver with a wave of hand, I handed him his fee before stepping down. Sameer followed suit, looking around at the block of high-rise buildings, all painted in a cemented cream color with borders of browns.

“This way.” I extended my hand towards Building A of the complex. 

His shoulders hunched as he pushed his hands inside his front pocket, walking beside me in an awkward silence.

As soon as we stepped into the first elevator on the right, I took a deep breath and pressed the button ‘four’ before explaining, “Rohit might not be home by now. He hasn’t been coming over for lunch for the past few days.”

“I’m not going back, if that’s what you’re suggesting.” He said coldly as I let out a sigh. There was no way out, I realized, rubbing one hand over my other arm.

As soon as the elevator opened with a beep, I looked up and stepped out, walking five steps to the left before arriving in front of our apartment. I watched Sameer stiffen, felt the terse intake of breath at the nameboard nailed on the wall adjacent to the main door.

“What, he didn’t even bother to write your name on here?” Sameer chastised as I looked away from the ‘Rohan Goenka’ blaring in shades of golden and brown.

“Whatever is his is mine too, he says.” I murmured in response before inserting the key. What I had expected to be an empty home, turned out to be one filled with a flock of ladies. I stood there, rooted to my spot as a bundle of laughter reached my ears.

She identified my presence first, her expression turning grim instantly. Whispering an excuse to her friend, she walked in my direction, fixing the prim and proper pleats of her fuchsia sari along the way.

“Mummy, I didn’t know--”

“Neither did I, Naina. I thought you would be in your maternal home, just like every other day and I would be left to fend for my son’s house.” She reprimanded, her brittle voice slicing through my impervious heart.

I lowered my lids, trying to formulate a response, “You know I wouldn’t have gone there had this place been farther away from college. I was expecting him for lunch today, so I thought of--”

“Well you thought wrong, much to my expectation. Don’t you remember he left this morning for a week today?” My mother-in-law retorted in disappointment while I grimaced.

“He didn’t say anything like that--”

She interrupted again, “Why don’t you pay attention, Naina? Anyways, my house needed some repair so I thought of organizing my kitty party here today.” 

“I’m sorry I disturbed.” I apologized, still standing at the threshold.

“Who is he?” She asked bemused, her eyes hovering up and down in scrutiny at the man standing next to me.

“He’s...a classmate from college. Needed some help with our recent lectures so I thought of bringing him home.” My excuse couldn’t have been further away from the truth. 

I bit my lip in shame, my gaze unwavering from the mundane marble floor.

“If only you showed this kind of enthusiasm with your husband too.” She muttered under her breath. 

“I was only trying to help, Mummy.” I blubbered like a child whining for a new toy. 

“Aren’t you the noblest soul here, Naina.” My mother-in-law tilted her head scornfully, her hair still swiped back into a neat bun near the nape of her neck.

“Anyways, do whatever you need to. I need to get back to my friends. Don’t you have classes afterwards?”

“Not until after 3, Mummy.”

“And for how long?”

“I’ll be back before 7, like always.”

She nodded in approval, passing a fake smile towards Sameer before ushering us inside.

My mother-in-law turned away muttering to herself, “As if the infertility wasn’t a burden enough, now unwanted guests too.”

I closed my eyes in trepidation or in a surge of pain, I couldn’t quite identify. For once, just for once I hoped Sameer did not hear her. Even if he did, I prayed he didn’t make any sense of it.

----------  

My mind was bubbling with questions just like the tea pan boiling with water. No longer had we entered our room that I asked Sameer if he wanted tea. Less out of formality the fact that I couldn’t get myself to talk to him. More because of the piercing pain in my lower abdomen that refused to subside.

He probably understood my state of misery for he agreed with a simple nod, leaving me to fetch two cups of steaming hot ‘masala chai’, just the kind of elixir I needed in my life right now.

I quickly added five spoonfuls of sugar and three spoons of tea, and a cup of milk, waiting for it to boil once again. My thoughts wandered back to a black-eyed man with a charismatic personality who had managed to create havoc in my life.

Why was he here? What more did he want?

Before I could answer these questions for myself, I felt a sniff of a soothing aroma, indicating the tea was ready. Turning off the heat, I poured the tea into two cups, set them on a tray with a plate of biscuits and made my way to his room. 

Rohit’s room that I had unwillingly accommodated myself in. 

He had his back turned towards me, his hands still in his pockets as he looked around the navy blue walled room. Against the back wall was a general king size bed, layered with white sheets with a Victorian style headrest. On the side walls were a few pictures of Rohit and his mom, some certificates of his academic achievement and a poster size frame of our wedding picture just above the bed. Awkwardness could not even begin to encompass the situation in the photograph. 

Against the marble floor, the room looked nothing short of perfect. That’s what he wanted the world to see.

I cleared my throat and Sameer turned on his heel, his loose denim jeans matching the wall color, his faded yellow shirt brightening the room, his eyebrows perched in alarm.

“Tea.” I offered, extending the tray towards him.

“Thanks.” He rumbled, taking a porcelain cup in hand as I set the tray down on the white wooden desk right beside me. He took two steps in my direction, asking me to sit on the chair while he took my position, right adjacent to the desk.

I positioned myself, tilting the chair in his direction as I sipped on my second cup of tea, waiting for its effects to soothe my insides.

A content smile automatically paved its way onto my face as the tea worked its charm.

“I thought you said it was worth it.” His lips curved bitterly as my mind took me back to the days filled with simplicity.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know?” I whispered, sparing him a glance from the corner of my eye as my legs dangled from the bench.

His eyes shifted from the playground in front of us to me, “I did. It was the least I could do.”

“I didn’t know you considered me that special of a friend.” 

“Neither did I.” I looked up at him, meeting his eye and stuttering at finding nothing but raw honesty in those black orbs.

I had always been a witness to his cockiness, his arrogance, his charismatic attitude. But his gentlemanly behavior threw me by surprise. Never in my wildest dreams had I expected him to react so emotionally to my pain, nor had I thought he’d know about this condition.

“Thank you for the tea, again.” I murmured in gratitude, smiling at the soft curve of lips on his face.

His face fell almost instantly, turning tense, “Isn’t there a way to fix this?”

I couldn’t help myself from giggling, “It doesn’t need any fixing.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, puzzled.

I looked ahead, reminiscing a memory that didn’t seem too long ago, “I remember the day I got my...period for the first time.” Saying the word out loud felt strange, almost indecent.

I found Sameer smirking a little as I continued, “Taiji was thrilled. I remember her thanking God for lessening the burden or something.” I looked towards Sameer to find his brows furrowed similar to mine, “Taiji didn’t like me too much. Not since…” I couldn’t talk about my mother, it hurt too much. I wasn’t sure whether he would understand, too worried he would probably mock me for something he considered insignificant.

“Anyways, it was until much later that night that I realized what she meant. Chachiji explained it to me.” I paused for a second, trying to bask Sameer’s reaction but finding nothing but a comforting silence from his end.

“This verified my fertility. It meant I was capable of carrying a child.” I looked away in embarrassment, my cheeks reddening simultaneously as I watched Sameer’s eyes widen.

It took him a moment to formulate his next words, “I uh...I don’t know what to say.” He chuckled nervously.

Tilting his head to see me better he spoke, “This certainly means a lot to you.” 

“It means a lot to my family. Helps with the marriage proposal knowing the bride can carry forward the husband’s family name.” I answered, void of emotion, repeating the words Chachiji uttered to me that night five years ago. Surely that’s what everyone wanted to hear, who wouldn’t be happy upon hearing they were biologically fit to get pregnant.

“What about you?” His eyes bore into mine, the intensity of his gaze shaking me to the core. How was he always so understanding yet so unpredictable?

I fumbled with my words, “I...I don’t know. I should be happy but…”

“But you’re not.” He finished as I nodded.

“It’s not that I can’t imagine myself in that state. I mean, Taiji rambles on about marriage and motherhood every few days for the past year now. But I just can’t imagine myself pregnant with someone I don’t love.” I finished, shocked at my own confession. 

I knew I had this strange feeling ever since I found out, but couldn’t fathom it until the words came out of my mouth.

His eyes widened yet again, but softened the next instant, “Wow.” He breathed.

The dangling of my legs quickened in nervousness as I explained, “How can I love the baby when I can’t love the man whose features I’ll see in the little one?”

He nodded in understanding and I waited patiently for him to say something. Somehow our conversations often took an unexpected turn, developing a deeper connection I never thought would exist.

Who could say I had known this boy for only around a month?

“You really do believe in love.” His claim sounded more of a question.

“I believe there is someone made for you, someone for whom you’ll be ready to face every moment of pain.” I smiled, chuckling lightly at his expression.

“Flimsy right?”

“Not at all.” He shook his head as my breath hitched at the genuinity his eyes spoke volumes of.

After a brief moment of silence, he attempted once again, “So you mean all this pain will be worth it for someone you're unsure will reciprocate your feelings?” He asked, referring to my monthly torture. 

The hesitation in his voice and fear in his eyes insinuated that he was unknowingly speaking for himself.

I heaved a deep breath and curved my lips into a warm yet confident grin, “All this and a lot more. It’ll all be worth it.”

“I did. It was all worth it. It still is.” A pitiful smile inched onto my face as I swiveled the cup between my fingers.

A thousand emotions seem to have crossed his features, but before he could settle onto anger, I blurted, “I’m very happy with my husband, Sameer. I’ve moved on. I think it’s time you do too.”

The ocean of fury in his eyes was nothing but the calm before the storm. 

He clutched me by my shoulders, shaking me vigorously as he raged, “You’re happy? You couldn’t have been more miserable, Naina! You change yourself each time you decide to cross the threshold to this home - a home that isn’t even yours! Your mother-in-law despises you, your husband constantly wants to own you and you say you’re happy?!”

A single tear escaped my eye as I felt myself being pinned to the nearest wall. For a second I felt grateful for the party going on in full swing outside, the upbeat music successfully silencing the erratic beating of our hearts.

“You’ve been lying for three years, Naina!” He shook in exasperation. “The Naina who had sworn to never lie, who considered it a sin, now lies to everyone around her as if it's second nature!”

I stayed mum in despair, unable to form coherent sentences as I heard myself whimper. 

“You know, I should be happy. After all the pain you’ve given me, I should be elated to see you this miserable. But I don’t! And I hate it that I don’t.” His voice cracked and I mustered the courage to raise my gaze towards him. A few strands of his hair fell before his eyes, but the fury and the pain was inexplicably evident.

“It hurts, Naina. It hurts here.” He whispered, fisting his hand over his heart as a tear escaped his left eye. I could feel the pain course through my veins, burning through my soul at seeing him so distraught.

His hand found its way back to my shoulder, holding me up so that I could continue to face him.

“Why did you do this, Naina? Why did you lie to me about the letter, about the past three years? Why did you lie to your family, to your friends, to everyone you held dear?”

I was too close to unleashing the dam of tears. Too close to uttering the truth I wasn’t allowed to reveal.

“Why did you lie to Rohit and his mother, Naina?” 

And that’s when I broke. All over again.