Chapter 25:- Coward

Desolate hearts make the worst cowards 

A long beep. A longer moment of silence.

The receiver slipped from my hand, dangling from its cord as I stumbled onto a nearby chair. My head hit the backrest as I allowed the tears to slip past my eye. Allowed life to slip from within too.

My mind tumbled me back to the days when I hadn’t truly felt love. I had only heard them in songs, danced to them with Preeti, and sang them from memory. But I never experienced it. Maybe that’s why it felt so intriguing. 

I dreamt of meeting a boy so handsome he’d slip the ground from under my feet. Adorn me with happiness to the extent I wouldn’t even remember pain. Together we’d make a family I always longed for, where I felt belonged. And then someday, I’d pen it all down, into a story that would convey the purity of our love, restore faith in the emotion. A love that would encompass me into limitless happiness. Joy I would share with my love and our children. A love that would make me brave enough to stand with him through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. A love that would change me, change him, change the way we perceived this mundane world.

How could I write something I had failed to feel?

I did meet a boy so charming he made me gasp in delight. I fell for his suave personality, for his good heart he hid from the world. He was everything I had ever dreamt of, perceived the world in a way that was prohibited for me. He wasn’t right all the time. He had flaws too. And yet I wanted to be with him. I wanted to love him completely, wanted to live my life fully with him. No restrictions, no boundaries. Just him and me.

But then I broke it all.

I held my heart in my hand when I should’ve tucked it somewhere safe. Caged it within walls when I should’ve let it feel. Shed tears when I should’ve confessed. Fled when I should’ve stayed.

Pathetic. That’s what my life was. That’s how much of a coward I was.

I didn’t want this life of misery. Not for myself, certainly not for him. I wanted to leave everyone who had weakened me into his arms. I wanted to confront every enemy, lash out at them for using me. My father, my husband. Every family I considered that abandoned me without regret. I wanted to break off every tie, stand up for myself because I was so tired of sobbing all the time. 

I wanted to love, to feel loved.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I lifted my head with unfamiliar tenacity. I stood up from my seat, my hand ready to snatch the shackle around my neck when the phone rang. Thinking it was Sameer, I hastily looked around my husband’s apartment to find it empty before answering it eagerly with a “Sameer?”

“So it’s true.” My breath hitched at the familiar harsh tone.

“F-father.” I stuttered.

“You don’t get it, do you? How many times do I have to repeat myself?” He yelped in anger as I held my breath.

“I haven’t done anything that breaches the contract.” I answered, well aware of my mistake.

“Have you been meeting that brat of a Maheshwari again?”

“I have not.” I lied.

“Naina…” He warned. “Behave like the dutiful wife you’re supposed to be. One more word of complaint and you know what I’m capable of doing to him.”

Tremor rolled down my spine as I stammered, “Y-yes, Father.”

Another long beep. Another longer moment of unwanted silence.

I was a coward.

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My nose crinkled at the sweet aroma as I looked up to find a crazily chaotic classroom. People ran from one end to the other, carrying balloons and other party accessories colored in reds and whites. A few carried plates of steaming hot samosas and sandwiches, taking them to the back of the room. Amidst murmurs, I caught onto one voice, a sweet tone that constantly gave out instructions - Sunaina. I also noticed a banner hanging across the front wall that read ‘Happy Anniversary’.

Of course, how could I forget the biggest celebration of the century?

I quietly made my way to my seat on the far end of the second last row of seats. Dumping my satchel on the wooden desk in front of me, I found myself looking for him. I strained my neck to look past the flock of people crowding in front of me, to no avail. He wasn’t a regular to classes, but he surely made it to class on time, from what I remembered. And yet today, a supposedly important day for him and his girlfriend, he was missing. 

I knew I couldn’t talk to him. Not only because he won’t let me, but also because of the threat my father reminded me of this morning. I had to remain extra cautious, for his safety more than my peace of mind. Because it wasn’t a warning I could easily brush off. It was a threat that promised to bring doom. I had protected him from my father’s wrath for three years, earning myself his hatred. I could bet my heart an eternity more of animosity from the man I love in return for his safety. I would coerce my heart to live my life like a compromise, managing with just a look every now and then. Which brought me back to my earlier observation.

Where the hell was Sameer Maheshwari?

Perhaps he was waiting for me to ponder upon this question, for he made eyes turn with his arrival moments later. I drew in a breath at seeing his unexpected transformation.

He walked in with loose black denims matched with a light blue shirt, his hands tucked into the front pockets of his pants, his clean shaven face shaded with black sunglasses. His shoulders slumped a little, as if tilting to one side while his best friends Munna and Pandit, constantly whispered something into his ear. But that wasn’t all. He had…

“Oh my God Sameer, your hair!” Sunaina swooned over his new look as my jaw dropped, unable to form a coherent reaction.

His long locks of hair that often dissolved behind the collar of his shirt had been trimmed to meet his nape. The front strands of his hair looked shorter too, no longer tickling his eyelashes. He maintained his style, pushing his hair back to one side in a swift motion, but he looked so different. 

Like the day I first bumped into him about a month ago.

I let my heart believe that he had started growing his hair back like the way he kept in school. That he was reverting back to the Sameer Maheshwari I fell in love with. But even a feature as insignificant as this seemed like reality slapping me in the face. The Sameer I knew was drifting away, curling up into the cold-hearted shell I had pushed him in three years ago. My foot hit the wooden leg of the chair behind me as I slumped in my seat. 

He loved his hair. It was one of the sole reasons behind his cockiness. His hair boosted his self-confidence, his courage to hide his greatest fear of abandonment. 

It was his weakness too. Or else he wouldn’t have fallen for the bet that damaged us. A bet that led to a series of events, leaving us distraught and helpless in front of each other. At least that’s how I felt. That’s how I thought he felt too.

“You like it?” His voice, slightly hoarse than normal, put a halt to my train of thoughts.

I looked up to find his girlfriend in his arms, her hands roaming about on his chest while his drawing circles on her waist. I snorted at the proximity, at the public display of affection everyone else was cheering upon.

“I like it this way.”

“Really? I thought you never noticed.” He referred to his long locks of hair I had just appreciated, wearing a familiar smirk. 

I looked away, feeling color rise up on my cheeks. A moment of silence settled between us as we started walking towards the parking lot of our school.

“Of course I did. It’s one of the first things, actually.” I admitted coyly, a reassuring hand reaching my shoulder as I pushed back the strap of my school bag.

He raised his brows in amusement, a lingering smirk on his face, “And what exactly did you think about it?”

I watched him push back his long silky hair in a suave manner before replying, “It’s where your smirk comes from.”

He blew a light chuckle, bending his head towards his chest as he teased, “I thought you found it irritating.”

“I think you use it as a defense mechanism.” I whispered softly, watching him tense for a flicker of a second before recomposing himself. Chuckling to myself, I mounted onto my bicycle as he saddled himself on his bike.

We started pedaling in companionable silence and I noticed him drive at a slower pace to match mine. From the corner of my eye I observed him somber in thought.

He began seconds later in a voice filled with uncanny hesitance, “Why do you think it’s a…”

“Defense mechanism?” I supplied, completing his sentence.

He nodded slowly, waiting patiently for me to answer.

I looked ahead, ringing the buzzer on my cycle in alert as I swayed down the lanes, “You want this snarky attitude to irritate others, to distance themselves from you.” I began, reflecting over the few incidents we had shared since we entered the friendship territory. 

It was the swirl of emotions his eyes held that made me wonder at first. Sameer wasn’t as shallow as he wanted the world to perceive. He was just hiding his true self behind this facade.

“You’re desperately trying to hide something. Your weaknesses, your fears, perhaps a dark secret.” I tried to joke.

“But you want to protect yourself from getting hurt. Your cockiness helps you with that. And your hair seems to be the greatest weapon in your arsenal for this.” I giggled, my eyes still hovering over him to know his reaction.

Had I gone too far too soon?

For a few seconds all I heard was the engine revving to life from his bike and the pedals whistling on my cycle. My heart beat started to surge in nervousness, the anxiety of crossing my boundaries and the fear of losing him as a friend making me shudder.

“You’re right.” He finally spoke, breaking the chain of silent howls the chilly weather carried.

I spared him a glance, cautiously looking at him while maneuvering my bicycle steadily. His shoulders hunched slightly, his grip over the handles so tight I could see his knuckles whiten. And yet his face held a genuine emotion of comfort, his hair dancing frivolously against the wind.

“It’s all I have left, really. My looks. And the money, of course.” He let out a humorless chuckle before turning to me, “My grades aren’t that great and let’s be honest, neither is my virtue. The only reason people will want to be around me is for my appearance. That’s the only way I can keep them at a distance too.” His expression turned grim, almost void of emotion.

He was trying to hide his pain.

I debated on my words, choosing them so carefully as to not hurt him further. He seemed to have been deceived by life itself. And for some reason, the emotion felt familiar. For once, I felt there was someone who would understand my life, someone who would let me understand his too.

“Those who care about you won’t just stick to appearances. Their connection to you will be deeper than that. Grades won’t matter, virtues might change. But they’ll have your back, through thick and thin. They’ll put you first.” I voiced softly as his eyes met mine and I felt our bikes come to halt.

Pushing one leg down to maintain balance, I completed, “Those who’ll put you first will be the ones you’ll inevitably want to keep close to your heart.”

A tense moment of silence prevailed as the words sunk between us. I found his face registering my confession as I wondered how we always ended up having such serious conversations. I hadn’t known this boy for more than a month, and yet I felt a connection so strong, an understanding so deep that conversations with a similar level of intensity never felt unfamiliar.

He smiled with finalty, hope glinting in his eyes as he appreciated, “Thank you.”

Those two words made my heart soar like nothing else, “You’re welcome.”

We had unknowingly reached a junction, leading to two opposite lanes.

“I better get going. You and I live in opposite directions.” I waved my hand in goodbye before walking my cycle towards my society complex.

His words made me halt in my tracks, “So, you mean appearances don’t matter at all?”

I turned on my heel to find a joviant looking Sameer Maheshwari with an infamous smirk on his face. I shook my head at his attempt before mocking back, “Of course not! Why do you think I became...”

“...your girlfriend?” Sunaina’s teaseful tone broke my reverie as I internally grimaced at the parallels. How did he always manage to remind me of incidents I desperately wanted to forget? 

Or maybe relive?

I surreptitiously looked through my eyelashes as Sameer leaned in for a quick peck on her cheek, earning them a bunch of ‘oohs’ from the entire class. She reciprocated the gesture with a lingering kiss on his cheek, and for a second I thought I watched him stiffen.

Or maybe I was just being delusional. 

I huffed in frustration, unable to handle their cuddly couple antics any longer. Whether he was truly falling in love with her or just riling me up, I didn’t know. But either way, his trick worked. Because I couldn’t stand watching him with someone else.

Despite knowing I could never have him to myself either.

I gathered my books, mentally groaning that I wouldn’t get any work done today. Grabbing my satchel, I prepared myself to get out of this pretense when I stopped just a few steps in front of the couple. I felt my insides on fire, soar with an emotion I had rarely ever experienced. But it left a queasy burning sensation in the pit of my stomach and a sharp pierce through my heart.

After everything that happened two days ago, I hadn’t expected him to act so indifferent. After baring my soul to him on the phone last night, I hadn’t expected him to crush my heart without giving a care in the world. After having jumbled yet true feelings for the past three years, I hadn’t expected him to move on with the next girl he eyed.

She knew nothing about him. Nothing about his fears, his insecurities, his feelings. And certainly not about us, no matter how distant of a reality that seemed.

It wouldn’t hurt to give some advice, would it?

I walked up to Sameer and Sunaina, my eyes blazing with anger yet my head held high. No matter how less of a dignity I had left in this class, I wouldn’t break down in front of them. I couldn’t.

“Happy Anniversary, Sunaina.” I faked a smile as I congratulated her with a forced hug. Completely ignoring the man beside her, I seethed, “Just be careful with him. He betrays more than he loves. Who knows which one he’ll end up choosing for you?” I shrugged callously, sarcasm dripping from my tone as I felt Sunaina drain out of color.

Passing another tensed smile, I briefly looked over to Sameer, finding his hands balled into fists and his lips curled into a gritted line. He surprisingly still kept his sunglasses on, which seemed odd.

But I couldn’t care less. I didn’t want to. 

So before he could react, I walked off, rushing past the doors of the classroom into an empty corridor. I heaved a few deep breaths, feeling tears trickle down my face as I covered my face with my hands. The pain just never ceased, only grew sharper with each day. Handling his absence was heart-wrenchingly painful. But seeing him with someone else just crushed my heart a thousand times, over and over again.

How would I ever get over him?

Pathetic. Coward. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder break the string of curses I had been muttering to myself. I immediately stiffened, praying it wasn’t Sunaina or Sameer because God knew I wasn’t ready to face them.

 I hastily wiped away my tears, knowing the smudged kohl would reveal my state of distress. Turning around, I found two men I least expected to interact with. His two pillars of strength. His best friends.

“Naina, we need to talk.”