Part 1:- Denied Emotions

When the heart defies the mind... 

His eyes watered and mine brimmed with incessant tears. Droplets we had been yearning for, tears that curved our lips to hesitant smiles. His lips quivered in anticipation while I held my breath. An unimaginable force surged through me, propelling me into taking steps towards him. Despite the hope flickering in his orbs, his hefty arms slung by his sides, his fists clenching at irregular intervals. I could feel his muscles tense with each step I took, each step of togetherness I was promising. A few strands of his silky hair danced frivolously before his darkened orbs that delved into a vast ocean of emotions; each feeling slowly surging through my veins, making me tremble.

I stood inches apart, my head raised high to meet his hovering gaze. The intensity in his stare matched the anxiety in mine while my ice-cold hands found his austere, warm ones. I traced lousy circles over his knuckles, holding his gaze for longer than usual. My hands defiantly went up his sturdy arms, feeling each suedely strenuous vein, reviving every obsolete emotion within him he had assumed to obliterate. Love made mistakes. But love forgave too.

My hands halted at his broad shoulders, debating whether to make the courageous move, afraid of his reaction. A terrified wisp of air escaped my mouth as I decided. Gently cupping his face, I noticed the slight stubble on his face that timorously tickled the palm of my hands. Holding back a smile, my glistening eyes met his again as I forgot everything else once again. I delved deeper into his eyes and a rigmarole of memories replayed in cascades.

Bringing my face close to his, I closed my eyes and whispered subtly, “I love you.”

The deep scent of cologne filled my nose while I heart his heart flutter. Smiling to myself, I leaned in and gave him what he had been demanding for, what I had yearned for in my embarrassing dreams. Bringing my lips close to his cheeks, I softly kissed him. Shock would have been an understatement, for he had tersely straightened and his eyes had widened in shock. In glee. The light stubble on his face played with my quivering lips as I took in the ecstatic feeling. I retreated only to bury my face in his chest, a lingering smile on my flushed face.

“I love you. Please don’t leave me.” A tear trickled down my face, as I tightened my grip on him.

And then my breath hitched.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, heaving a sigh in relief and happiness. His shoulders eased and so had his anger, perhaps. He bent his head to cuddle into my hair, igniting the raging fire in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes, taking in each feeling that moment brought. Everything was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

A few months ago. When it first happened.  

Cladded in a white shirt that rolled up to his elbows and bell bottom pants of the same color teamed with a gold colored waistcoat, Randeep Rai as Sameer Maheshwari looked absolutely dapper. The line of frills down his collar perfectly reciprocated the frivolous emotions churning in my desolate heart.

Sameer had just offered a piece of chocolate to calm my nerves of anxiousness before our freshers’ performance, only to ignite flares of nervousness by this sweet gesture of his. As planned, the piece of chocolate had smeared all around my mouth, and his politeness extended his handkerchief towards me. When my attempts went in vain, he took control as his steps approached my floored ones, the white handkerchief in his hand met my face as he ever so softly wiped the stains of milk chocolate. And that’s when Naina Agarwal lost control to Ashi Singh.

No longer did I hear cameramen hollering, for the racing heartbeats had started to echo in my ears. No longer did I feel the screen lights flickering, for the changing emotions in his orbs were enough to delve into. No longer did I feel anyone else’s presence because his aura radiated so powerfully through my soul, the feeling was exceptionally overwhelming. His deep gaze had been wounding my helpless heart with such sweet pain, that even my mind failed to castigate. Every raging emotion surged through my veins, numbing every other sensation but his. His experienced hands continued to rub the stains, unknowingly slowly closing the distance between us. My mind alerted but heart defied, and for the first time I was so certain about following the organ that contained all my feelings. His head bent towards mine instinctively while my eyes automatically raised to meet his captivating gaze. His hand lingered on my lips, as his orbs reflected something more than our pure, innocent love, something deeper that resembled desire. What made my heart yelp in ecstasy was the thought of it being for me, rather than Sameer expressing his desires for Naina. My mind; the sensible part me wanted the director to shout, to break this trance. On the other hand, my heart contradicted as usual, wanting him to close the distance, hoping to finally feel the sensation I had always dreamed of. In that moment, I hoped for oblivion to take over our surroundings, wanted to isolate myself with him from the whole world. My heartbeat thumped against my chest while short breaths came out in shivers. I could feel his warm breath on my face as his lips inched towards mine. This was happening. My dreams were coming true.

“Cut!” The director called out, exasperating a breath I had unknowingly been holding. I immediately looked away, unable to meet his gaze or notice his reaction. Our position was too awkward, and in the heat of the moment, we were about to do something we might’ve regretted. The thought stung my heart more than a sword, but it was a version of reality I had very smoothly been avoiding. Gulping tersely, I excused myself as fast as I could, from his clueless expression, from the director’s prying eyes, and from my friends’ suspicion.

Rushing to my vanity room, I switched on the lights to find a dubious Ashi Singh clutching the ends of the dressing table, trying to catch her breath as well as her sea swarming with emotions. Heaving deeply, I shut my eyes close only to find his serene face evoking uncannily familiar feelings within me. I groaned in anger and in helplessness, unable to understand my plight.

“You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?” I turned on my heel to find a smirking Ayesha leaning by the door with her hands on her hips

My face must have flustered for I stuttered incoherently, “W-what do you mean?”

“Oh you very well know what I’m hinting at, my dear on-screen sister.” She neared and rested her hands on my shoulders.

“You’re in love with your on-screen Sameer. You’re in love with Randeep Rai.” She cheered excitedly yet in whispers, unable to contain herself.

But to her disappointment, I shook my head, “And it’s all wrong.”

“What?” Her face fell and frustration replaced the initial exuberance.

“That’s the first and only rule of entering the television industry. You are not supposed to fall in love with your co-star.” I ranted, flinging my hands out of her grip.

“Are you crazy?” Ayesha, my best friend scoffed in disbelief.

“Love doesn’t see any rules, Ashi. You were the one who once said so.” She elaborated at my cluelessness.

I looked away and whispered meekly, “All of this is bookish, Ayesha. Just relevant in love stories. Because happy endings are common in love stories, not in real life.”

“Not unless you try.” She wasn’t ready to relent.

“Why don’t you understand?” I slumped onto a chair in exasperation.

“I should be the one chastising the same to you, Ashi.” She looked at me through the mirror. Once again, I broke our gaze, clutching my hands together.

“This is love.” She spoke softly, clutching my shoulders in assurance.

“It’s infatuation, Ayesha.” I decided with stronger tenacity.

“Are you serious?!” She lashed out flabbergastingly.

“Of course I am. We see each other everyday. We work together. So it’s obvious we’d develop some connection with each other. Plus, he’s one of the most charming guys, any girl would fall for him.” I explained, the determination in my voice slowly slipping away.

“Yeah, right. Because Kristina and I look at him just the way you do.” She crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head to one side while gritting her teeth.

For a second my eyes blazed with anger at the thought, but I soon calmed myself, “I told you. We just work together, maybe that’s why. It’s just attraction. He thinks so too.”

“And how are you so sure?” Ayesha attacked.

“Because I know him.” My eyes widened just like her smile to a grin, as she smirked in victory.

“Exactly, you know him better than all of us. And deep in your heart, you too know that he has feelings for you.” She pointed at my heart, making me swallow another gulp.

“All of this is just a pretense, Ayesha. None of this is true.” I repeated, shaking my head.

“Why are you so hell-bent like Naina Agarwal, Ashi. Why do you want to surround yourself with this dreadful melancholy. Why do you want to push yourself into darkness? Why don’t you want to experience this beautiful feeling?”

By the time she ended her bombarding of questions, Ayesha had wettened both our eyes. Biting my lips, I controlled the anguish and spoke as fiercely as I could, “Because of the side-effects it has. Jealousy, possessiveness, suffocation, dominance. Emotions and actions that completely juxtapose the four letter word to hate.”

“That’s not going to happen with you.” Ayesha murmured softly, crouching in front of me.

“How are you so sure?” I smiled hysterically, rubbing over her hands.

Grabbing my bag and phone I headed towards the door when she asked, “Where are you going?”

“Home.” I answered succinctly, walking towards my car.

“Wrong direction.” She called and I felt my vision blur once again.