Chapter 21:- Broken

 Compelled by circumstances 

Tears. 

They blurred my vision and showed me the harsh reality, simultaneously. They had been my constant companion for the last three years, obliterating my dreams, shoving the consequences of my actions to my already vulnerable heart. That’s what they did today too.

The sky suddenly started pouring relentlessly, any signs of sunshine no longer visible. Ironically nature seemed to have imitated our relationship, perhaps the end of it.

This was it. There was no hope anyways. I had made sure of that three years ago with the letter I had painfully penned. And yet my insolent heart craved for his love. It yearned for his lingering gaze that made me feel excited and terrified all at the same time. It longed for his companionship, for his cockiness and his honesty, his courage to stand against the whole world.

It hated his anger though. It despised what his fury did to my heart, especially when I was the reason behind it. His anger pierced through my heart, crushing it into pieces. His devastation had a similar effect on me. Which is why when he broke, I broke too. And they made their way into my life once again. 

Tears. 

I crouched next to him, my hands trembling as I debated any means of consolation. I don’t think I deserved it. For as soon as I tried, he flinched and distanced himself away from me. My face twisted in pain and another tear rolled out my right eye as I watched him straighten.

I couldn’t meet his gaze when he questioned with just one word, “Why?”

That one word held so much agony and despair it broke me. Just like my secret broke him. 

“Why did you do this to me, Naina?” He asked again, his voice no louder than a faint whisper.

He clutched my shoulders, forcing me on my feet. I finally managed to look him in the eye, only to find them glistening in red. It was too hard to say anything else but the truth. So that’s what I did. 

“I--I wasn’t given a choice.” I murmured, almost choking on my words as memories played on loop in my head like a neverending rigmarole.

He casted a hard, long stare, probably trying to verify my claim. I tried to coerce myself; such a reaction was expected out of him, after all I had only betrayed him, time and again. 

“You can’t fool me anymore, Naina.” His words left me stumped, wondering how I had created such an attainable distance between us. 

He continued, his voice dripping with nonchalance yet brimming with fury, “You and Rohit had all that history back in school, I haven’t forgotten.”

He scoffed before adding, “In fact, I also remember how you had chosen him over me.”

I immediately regretted the way things turned out in school. I admit, Rohit had entered in my life when I had been utterly devastated, but never had I considered beyond friendship. I couldn’t possibly love him as something more when that place in my heart already belonged to someone else. To the person whose eyes now reflected doubt rather than love.

I sighed and shook my head surreptitiously before saying, “It’s not what you think.” 

He regurgitated a laugh as he scoffed, “Of course it isn’t. It’s probably something you think I wouldn’t understand, right?”

“Please…” I pleaded. In response, he inched towards me, cornering me against a wall.

With his face inches away from mine, his hands plastered on both sides, he spoke, “Had I committed such a huge sin?” A tear escaped his reddened eye as I looked away, unable to see his state.

He pressed further, “It was a bet, Naina. A stupid bet. And I’m sorry. I truly am. I have been for more than three years. And God knows I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to earn your forgiveness.”

I shook my head vigorously, unable to contain myself any longer, “I had forgiven you that very night, Sameer. I couldn’t stay mad at the person I love the most.” 

“Don’t. You don’t need to pretend anymore.”

His words pierced through me sharper than any weapon. My face contorted as I stuttered, “You think all this is a lie?” 

“You haven’t left me with much choice.” His chuckle passed a wave of melancholy that reached the pit of my stomach. 

He strung a finger through my hair, and for a second I misunderstood his dilated eyes to be his drunkeness. But the glassiness in his orbs weren’t due to the effects of alcohol. They had been hazed from my betrayal. They reflected his broken heart. All because of me. 

“You know…” He began once again, formulating his next words amidst furrowed brows, as if extorting the next word was as painful as being hit by a bullet. “I knew I had a few confessions to make. I knew you had a few secrets to share too. We were far from perfect, we still had so much to say to each other, but at least we had hope.”

His eyes scorched through mine while his hands clutched onto mine, as if his life depended on it.

The reality was that I did. I depended on that gaze, on that handhold. On the feeling of love it carried.

“At least we had love.” His eyes softened at the emotion, a rueful smile playing on his lips. 

For a brief second, the entire atmosphere tilted between us; the lingering tension disappeared amidst the light-heartedness of our bond. The purity. The innocence. The love.

“But I was wrong. Because you aren’t in love with me anymore. You haven’t been, for a long time now.” His steps tersely faltered, his grasp loosened, leaving my hands yearning for his mid-air.

I shook my head fervently, an action I had repeated perhaps a thousand times in the last five minutes. That’s all I had to justify myself, wordless truths.

“That’s not true.” Was all I could utter in response.

Maybe that was the last straw. For the next second, he lashed out; in pain and fury, “Then why did you marry?!”

His face marred with agony as his voice shredded to whispers, “Why did you marry, Naina? Why him? Did ‘we’ not matter to you at all?” 

I couldn’t bear it any longer. His frustration, his accusation, his misery. I know I was at fault, I know things could have been different had I acted differently, but I thought he’d understand. After all the desperation, the breakdowns, the unwanted solitude, the constant sadness in my life, I thought he would understand.

I thought he would understand, when no one else did.

“I told you, I didn’t have a choice!” I matched his tone, my voice a lot strained. 

I flailed my arms in the air before slapping them to my sides, trying to find a way he would trust me. One last time.

He shuffled his hand through his hair pensively before cornering me yet again. In that moment, his eyes held nothing but hatred, brimming in tears. It tore my heart to see him like this, on the brink of devastation.

“Oh, I believe you, Naina Agarwal. You didn’t have a choice as you were so helplessly in love with Rohit.”

Wrong. Everything about this allegation was wrong. How I wished to blurt everything out, every truth that has been haunting me these three years. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t break my promise. Everything about this marriage had to remain confidential. It was for the benefit of everyone, especially the man standing desperately in front of me.

“There’s no way your Chachaji would have allowed this marriage without your consent. No matter your barbaric father, your Chachaji would always think about you. Especially in a matter so important in your life.”

I cringed at his reasoning, at how well he knew my family. Unfortunately, this was a situation that had my Chachaji bound too. I truly had no choice, I was at their mercy.

“None of this is true, Sameer. Please, trust me.” I attempted weakly.

His eyes shot towards mine, boring so deeply as if he wanted to gorge mine out. I gulped as he decided to crush our hearts further, “Trust you?!”

He spat venomously, as if it was such an unfamiliar feeling. As if we had never been enveloped in love.

“Why should I, Naina? Why should I when you never trusted me?”

I tried to say something in my defence when he continued, his heavy breaths still targeted towards my face, strands of his hair falling in front of his eyes that spewed fire. “You never trusted me, Naina. Or else you would’ve understood my apology a lot sooner than you did. You never trusted me, or else you wouldn’t have hidden this from me.”

I watch realization dawn on him from my blurry vision as he steps back with an exasperated sigh, “You never trusted me.”

“I do. I trust you, Sameer.” I pleaded, disgust creeping in my heart. These words sounded so hollow coming from me, I had to look away. I couldn’t bear the shame. The guilt of leaving him this ostracized.

His jaw hardened and he stiffened, his index finger pointed towards me accusingly, “Get one thing straight, Naina Agarwal. Whatever trust we had died long ago. All we have between us are memories; a few distant happy ones and many tainted with betrayal and hatred.”

It was true. All we had were memories, because I had effortlessly managed to obliterate any hope for a future together.

“History surely repeats itself.” His voice came out in stutters. Immediately, that unfateful night three years ago swarmed in front of me. 

He had probably recalled the same night, “Because you’ve made sure of that. You and Rohit.” 

I hated how he took his name with mine in the same breath. I hated the surrounding circumstances that had uncontrollably bound me to Rohit.

“Are you both happy now? Because you got me where you both wanted me, in hell!” He hollered above his voice, the veins of his throat marking their presence against his reddened skin.

I tried to intervene once again, as my hand trembled to reach his shoulder, “Please try to calm down, Sameer. Please try to understand my situation.”

“Like he does?” He spoke icily, as I looked away, unable to handle the misunderstandings any longer.

His hands suddenly clutched my arms as I dangled by his stare, “You’re used to his touch now, aren’t you? You’re used to his lips on you, right? No wonder you were such a great kisser, you’ve got all that experience now.”

“Sameer, stop it! You’re crossing the line.” I broke free from his grasp as my face twisted in disappointment. 

How could he think so low of me?

It didn’t stop his chain of thoughts as he made yet another conclusion that pierced deeply through my heart, “You’ve crossed every line possible, Naina! You’ve hurt me so much that I’ve become impervious to the pain.”

Another tear trickled down my face at his accusation. I had nothing to say anymore. Numbness surged through me as my shoulders slacked.

His hand rubbed his forehead in realization, “I’ve been such a fool. Such a fool to think we had a chance. You never were in the relationship, Naina! You moved on…”

His face changed tersely, the despair replaced by weak tenacity, “And it’s time I do too.”

This was it. This was the end. I couldn’t breathe, my tears had dried up and my entire being froze under his tormentful stare.

“Oh, the one other thing binding us together..” He scoffed, pulling out a worn out piece of paper from his pocket I identified too well. It’s what led to our downfall. 

I had written our end this way. 

“Is this cursed letter.” He shoved it at my face as I looked away, the piece of paper lying aimlessly between us. 

“There, now we have nothing between us. No hope of happiness, I assure you. But I promise, I’ll certainly abide by the one term you’ve kept constant between us. Revenge. I promise to make your life a living hell, just like you’ve made mine, Naina Agarwal.” His voice reduced to a faint whisper, yet the threat laced in his tone was clearly evident.

My vulnerability was my weakness. He made sure his vulnerability became his strength. 

Before I could reach out to him, he stormed out the door, shoving a gust of unwanted air. I felt goosebumps rise on my skin, watched my fingernails turn purple, heard solitude weigh over me. My legs trembled and my lips quivered, another tear threatening to spill down my cheek. My heart ached and vision blurred, not ready to accept the reality I had carved for myself. 

I slumped to the ground, exactly where he had, trying to feel the remnants of him under my fingertips. I couldn’t gather his feel, but I could catch onto the letter that had kept us bonded for the past three years.

I unfolded the letter as memories of that night unraveled in front of my eyes. The paper had been fumbly taped in regret after a fit of rage. My fingers hovered over the tape marks, preserving his touch like he had preserved my words. That’s all I had of him now. Just a letter filled with inconspicuous truths hidden under blatant misunderstandings.

“Sameer…” I cried out for him, hoping he’d come back.

“...I’m so sorry.”

I whimpered to myself and to him as I folded the piece of letter in four, following the perfect creases. Another drop dampened the back of the paper, carrying my despair along with words of separation.

This wasn’t what I had expected. Not entirely. I had imagined myself writing letters to the boy I love, under the moonlight in complete secrecy. But I hadn’t thought there’d be a night where I’d be writing to him my last letter.

I didn’t want to do this. Not when he had finally seen some happiness in life. No matter how drunk he was, his eyes brimmed with hope. For a future together. And I was abandoning him, for reasons I swore I’d never tell him. I couldn’t let him know about the atrocities I’ve faced from my family. They’d never accept him, just like they never accepted me. Which is why when they put forth a proposition, I immediately accepted. It was the least I could do for him.

I had no other choice.

I unraveled the letter once more, reading it one last time, as if seeing him one last time. By the time the letter would reach his hands, I’d be gone, far away from him. And so would my heart demarcate itself from my being.

Dear Sameer,

I love you. 

That’s the biggest truth of my life and will remain an eternal one.

Which is why I want to apologize to you for what I’m about to do. You have to trust me, please.

We are in danger. And I’m helpless, this is the only way I can protect you from my father’s barbaric ways. It’s not his fault for being brought up and involved in such a cruel environment. It isn’t your fault for falling in love with me. Perhaps it's my fault that I couldn’t muster the courage to bridge these differences. And now that I tried to, I have consequences. They don’t involve you, they shouldn't. 

This isn’t about the bet, I promise. I’ve forgiven you, how could I have stayed mad at the person I love the most? I knew you didn’t want the bet to turn out this way, but you had no choice but to comply. I’m in a similar scenario right now, and I need to abide by their terms.

I can’t tell you who ‘they’ are, nor can I disclose my whereabouts. But I’ll be gone, Sameer. From your life, and probably from mine too. Where, I can’t tell. Each night I’ll dream of you, every day I’ll hope I can see you again. But I can’t promise you a future I no longer have control over, I’m sorry.

You’ll be angry, but you’ll be safe, and happy someday. And that’s all that matters to me.

I love you. That’s all that remains.

Forever yours,

Naina

 

I felt a pair of sympathizing hands hover over my shoulders as I peeked, only to find an equally teary-eyed Preeti sobbing at me. I clutched my sister’s hand, trying to assure her of a distant dream that all would be well. She had been my first play-mate, my best friend, my confidante, and my partner-in-crime. I couldn’t imagine leading a life without my pillars of strength.

“Naina…” She weeped as I rose to hug her. 

“I’m sorry things are this way.” I murmured amidst sobs.

“You can’t apologize. Not when you’ll be the one suffering from this the most.” She shook her head.

I took a step back from her embrace and wiped the familiar trail of tears. 

Taking a deep breath, I fumbled with the letter in hand, “You’ve always been by my side, Preeti. You’ve always supported Sameer’s love for me, even when I didn’t. Can you do me a last favor and give this to him?” I felt my voice croak at the end as I hung my head.

She shook her head once again and I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. Clearing her voice, she spoke with the remaining austerity left in her, “I can’t do this, Naina.”

“Please, Preeti. You know I won’t be able to...this is the last of him I’ll ever see.” I extended the letter in my hand.

She wiped her tears as she sighed, “You think he’ll fall for that letter, Naina? You think after reading it, he’ll sit back and mourn for his loss?”

I looked away while my sister voiced the answer I had been thinking, “He’ll rush to you, Naina. He’ll do whatever he can to protect you. He won’t care about the consequences. That’s how much he loves you.”

“I know. I know.” I mumbled to myself.

“How can you expect me to give him this letter?” My shoulders sagged at her commiserating tone as I slumped back on my chair, the letter tucked between my hands.

“What do I do? I can’t abandon him like this, it’s too cruel.” I asked, desperation evident in my tone.

She rested her hand on my shoulder as she suggested, “You’ll have to.”

“What?”

“Make him hate you, Naina. Write him a letter that’ll leave him angry rather than torn. He can handle the anger, Munna and Pandit will be there with him. But Sameer won’t be able to handle the pain, Naina.”

I gulped at the reality of her words, astonished at what she was suggesting. 

“You want me to lie to him?”

“I want you to live your love story, Naina.” She crouched before me, her eyes pleading as her hands clutched mine, “Please stay back. We’ll find a way. You and Sameer can live in hiding for a while until things settle down. I’ll manage everything.”

I clasped her hand in mine, making her words meet silence, “I can’t put you all at risk, Preeti. I can’t put him in danger.”

Another tear trickled down my eye as I took out a fresh piece of paper and blotted it with ink.

“It’s for the best.” I whispered to myself as I began on the second letter. 

The first he’ll never see. The second I’ll never destroy.

I was a coward to have never had the courage to tell him the truth. But I was a coward in love, who would do anything to keep him in oblivion, away from the darkness I was now a part of. My heart and soul belonged to him, and would forever be. My love for him hadn’t lessened, but it could no longer be directly expressed. I no longer had the will to. And that’s how I reassured myself each time my heart cried out for him.  

It was better this way.