Turned Down

 Because love is a connection made by the soul and can only be felt, not seen. 

I scurried through the disorientated room, hands rummaging through every important trinket that reminded of precious days as I quickly stuffed them in my satchel. With quivering lips and trembling fingers, I spared a second to take a quick look at the time; 5:17 AM. Muttering incoherent curses at myself for not waking up early enough, I scanned my room once more. It felt as if a volcano had exploded; throwing viscous flows of clothes, earrings, bobby pins, pens, and trinkets. Each reflecting memories of every incident. Every trip. Every joke. Everyday.

I imagined her reaction to the mess I had created in a hurry, of course unintentionally. I grimaced before reaching out for the house keys from the hook that hung from our favorite polaroid photo, all in smiles, in each other’s embrace. Plugging in my airpods to divert my attention, I allowed Arijit Singh’s melodious voice to succumb all my other frivolous senses.

I had only tiptoed my way towards the main door, when I heard a sharp creak of a doorknob. Squeezing my eyes shut, I automatically crossed my fingers in plea before turning on my heel. Peeking through my eyelids, I saw a girl leaned against the doorframe of her room, her head tilted to an angle which indicated disappointment while her arms crossed lightly over her chest. Her lips formed a thin line in resentment while her orbs bore through mine, as if emanating my darkest secrets. I looked away in guilt, hands rubbing against each other furiously in nervousness while toes curled inward, dreading her resentment. When I found the silence condescending I decided to play with the loose strands of my hair.

“Again?” She finally spoke, inching her way towards me.

“Please..” I attempted.

“Why are you doing this, Ashi?” A voice fired pugnaciously.

“Can you calm down for a second, Ayesha?” I raised my hands in defence which looked more like in surrender.

“It’s been five years, Ashi. And still--”

“It’s just been five years, Ayesha. I could do this for an entire lifetime.” I spoke grimly as my eyes threatened to glisten.

My roommate wasn’t ready to relent, “After all that’s he’s done to you! How can you--”

“Because I love him. With all my heart.” I confessed as a lone tear escaped my right eye.

“And him?”

Her question made me meet her gaze, “He does too.”

“Until when?” She questioned, now standing within an arm’s distance.

“For as long as we both shall live.” I assured, with my head held high.”

“You’re being too impractical.”

“You’re being too pessimistic, Ayesha.”

“I’ve known you for five and a half years, Ashi. Ever since ‘Yeh Un Dino..’ happened. That’s enough to know when you’re convincing me and when you’re assuring yourself.”

I choked in on my breath, sucking in a lump formed in my throat, “Talk all you want. I’m leaving and won’t be back until evening.”

Before I could hear her words of caution, I slammed the main door shut. But that did not stop her echoes in my head.

Walking down the staircase while tightly clasping the railing, the fingers of my spare hand wrapped around my satchel. Reaching the main door of our society where Ayesha and I had started living a year ago, I quietly picked up my bicycle that had brutally been shoved to one end by mischievous kids in our complex. Fixing my hair into a ponytail, I sat on my bike, jingling on the way to the Juhu Beach. It was only a five minute ride to the ever so famous beach and yet a thousand thoughts bombarded my head in the darkness of the sky. What if he didn’t show up? What if he forgot? What if Ayesha’s words turned true?

Shrugging off possibilities that threatened to obliterate my dwindling hope, I jerked my bike to a standstill at one end of the beach. Grabbing my satchel, I fixed the invisible creases on my baby pink ‘kurti’ that lengthened to my knees with sleeves reaching up to my elbows. Pink was his favorite color on me, my lips broke into a nervous smile at his probable reaction. Quickly speeding my pace, I could faintly hear the clapping of my sandals against the crashing waves and loud jitters of laughter made by the crowd. Once I reached our secluded spot, wary of people and local businesses, I sat myself on a nearby ledge, waiting for his presence.

My eyes closed in patience, suddenly reminding me of how exhausted I was. Despite the physical strain, I felt at peace, listening to the warmth of the waves, burying my feet in the cool sand.

No matter how many times you imprint her,

the sea never fails to rectify your mistakes

No wonder why nature is called our mother…

His words echoed in my mind, bringing a soft smile on my face. This was our spot. The sea that witnessed our moments of togetherness, our pangs of jealousy, our infrequent arguments, and our days of consolation. The sea, an ethereal form of mother nature.

“Ashi?” His voice broke my rigmarole of memories.

I stood up with a blank curve of lips as I observed his attire. He came in an exclusively tailored three-piece suit that hugged his sculpted body in every possible way. The tattoo slightly peaked from within his clothes, evoking a whirlwind of emotions within me.

“Happy Anniversary, darling!” He wished, taking me in an embrace.

I wrapped my arms around him, wishing him the same. He broke the hug to look down at me with loving eyes, while I raised my head to meet his gaze.

His orbs reminded me of the depth they once held; a rage of emotions, churning through him every second. Where his anger would suddenly calm to love. Where is love suddenly aggravated to fury. Where pangs of jealousy reflected in his possessive hold, where his caresses reflected his unconditional love.

“I missed you.” He whispered in my ear.”

“I didn’t. Because you never left my mind.” I replied dreamily, in a daze. His lips imitated the signature smirk I fell for the instant I saw him five and a half years ago. Behind the mature 25 year-old Ashi Singh, only he had the power to revive the gullible 20 year old. Only he was the one who made me weak in the knees, who melted my anger into irrevocable love and admiration.

“Where did you pick that line up from?” He teased.

“It’s my own.” I shoved his arm playfully before engulfing myself in his embrace yet again.  

He broke the hug once again, cupping my face in his hands while I closed my eyes in sheer bliss, remembering the effects of his touch. The slow rubbing of his thumbs over my plain cheeks, evoking the shade of deep crimson. The way his lips would then replace his touch, kissing my closed lids ever so softly. The caressing of his delicate hands on my cheeks while his stubble tickled ever so often. The way his kisses dimmed my eyelids, rendering me to utmost bliss and happiness.

He bent his head down to touch my lips with his own when my steps faltered and a streak of hesitance sparked between us.

“It’s been two years, Ashi.” He complained in annoyance.

“I know…” I answered guiltily while looking away.

“It’s just...ours isn’t a normal relationship.” I said defiantly.

“It’s not that abnormal to face intimacy either.” He scoffed, leaving me in a state of daze.

“C’mon, let’s not ruin this day.” I tried to change the topic.

“Says who.” He whimmed.

Grabbing his arm, I pulled him towards me, “Notice something?”

It took him a second to scan my face, “What?”

Jingling near my ear, I raised my eyebrows in glee.

“Earrings?” He asked blatantly.

“Remember?” I whispered.

He shrugged in confusion to which my shoulders dropped in defeat, “You bought this for me the first time I celebrated my birthday with you.”

“It’s been a long time.” He sighed, faintly recalling the events of that day.

“Not too long to be forgotten.” I grimaced while crossing my arms in feign anger.

It was his turn to linger on my arms, reminding me of his soothing touch that would send ripples through the back of my spine.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized sincerely with a cute face that made me recall all those instances when his actions did something to my heart. Nodding in acceptance I plastered a small smile on my lips.

As we walked a few steps alongside the tranquil sea he initiated, “I can’t believe you still remember though.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Isn’t it so irrelevant?”

“Maybe to you. Certainly not to me.”

He seemed satisfied with my answer for he didn’t say anything back, settling his hands in the pockets of his tailored black pants.

“Why are you so...businesslike.” I paused, thinking of an appropriate word that wouldn’t be too offensive.

“Well, I had thought we’d go out for breakfast at JW Marriott, have lunch at a posh five-star restaurant and end the day with candle light dinner.” He explained much to my dismay.

“You still seem to be into such ordinary stuff though.” He spoke condescendingly towards my preferences.

“Places remain ordinary. Perceptions make it extraordinary.” I revolted.

“And there we go, philosopher Ashi Singh.”

“If you only want to argue, then there’s no point talking.” I rebuked.

“You’re starting the argument. I was just having a debate.”

“A debate where all you want to hear should be in your favor. That’s not a debate, that’s a monologue.”

“I’m your husband.”

“Not my dictator.” I shot a hard glance at him before backing away with an apology.

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have…” He expressed his guilt.

“Is everything alright?” I asked in concern after a long, deafening silence of sixty seconds.

“Just everything at work. Gets kinda hectic.”

I rested my arm on his broad yet feeble shoulder, “Everything’s gonna be just fine. Don’t worry.”

“Can’t see any of that happening.” He remarked in disagreement.

“Don’t lose hope.”

“I hate the fact that we can’t live together. Hate the fact that we have to live as strangers despite our legal relationship. All because of our boss.”

I gulped silently at the mention.

“Why don’t you leave your job?” He probed once again.

“We’ve been through this before.” I huffed.

“You don’t have to work, Ashi.” He tried to convince.

“I want to work. I left acting, but I can’t leave my work. This is my identity.” I reasoned, feeling a sense of deja vu. All of this seemed scripted, planned beforehand because of the numerous arguments we had over this.

“Why don’t you apply somewhere else?”

“You think it’s easy?”

“Is it not worth it?” He argued, referring to us.

“We need the money.” I stated.

“No matter what it costs?”

I pondered over his words for a few seconds before replying curtly, “Yes.”

...

“I can’t believe you turned me down.” He spoke in astonishment, eyes bewildered as hands clutched the cemented parapet on the half-sturdy ledge facing the beach. I bit my chapped lip as an attempt to hide the victorious grin on my face before facing him.

“I can’t believe you fought with me...again.”

His shoulders slumped in defeat for he suddenly took my cold hands in his sturdy ones, void with assurance. “I’m sorry, for everything.”

“Hmm.” I replied succinctly, almost a whisper.

“I love you, Ashi.” He repeated with a drag in his voice.

“Hmm.”

“I really do.” He spoke with a grin on his face.

“Convincing me or yourself?” The curve on my lips lessened as Ayesha’s words rung in my head.

“Assuring you.” He completed, clutching my hands.

I smiled once again, gazing at the sea and all the memories each wave brought back with the prevalent wind.

“Ashi…” He broke my reverie, much to my annoyance.

“What?” I shrugged in irritation.

“I love you.” He expressed once again.

“Yeah, okay.” I looked away casually.

“Just that?” He questioned.

“It’s all pretense, so stop it.”

“We’re married.” He rebuked with a hard look on his face.

My teeth gritted and resembled his while I retorted, “Stop reminding me.” A moment passed before my lips forcefully broke into an unconvincing smile. He seemed to have agreed for he wrapped an arm around me.

“I love you, Ashi.” He tried once again.

I took in a deep breath, realizing the value of these three words. Precious words that were only taken after pondering upon for an eternity. Said to those who meant the world. Closing my eyes I reminisced each handhold, each smile, each argument, each consolation, each moment spent with nothing but love within us. Everything felt the same, apart from circumstances.

Opening them to find glistening orbs I gulped and looked away, “Not giving in to that, Aman.”

Just when he could say something more in his defence, my phone vibrated, its beep alarming us and creating a much wanted distance between us.

My steps retreated as I checked, “Work, it’s urgent.”

“Take it.” He nodded.

With a suppressed glee on my face, I clicked on the message notification.

“Ab dekho toh hum paas lekin, socho kitni doori hai

Kaisi yeh majboori hai, kaisi yeh majboori hai…”

Happy Anniversary, my love. You seem to like the color pink a little too much ;)

A few hours to go before we resume our pretense, so why not celebrate this moment like all others.

See you in office, and don’t forget those client files.

-RD

 

My fingers rejoiced to type before the unwanted hesitance started to dominate. Succinctly, I replied,

Yes Sir.

-AS

With a content smile on my face, I looked towards the rising sun, brimming with hope amidst the deafening compulsions. Clutching the parapet at a cautious distance from him, I smiled and whispered a prayer.

Grabbing my satchel I looked towards my husband with an automated grin, “Shall we?”