Chapter 8 - Dead-End

 Love is nothing but a disappointment

“Elena, are you alright?” Ximena rushed to my side as I spluttered the remnants of my favorite vegan salad onto the floor.

She handed me a glass of water that I gulped immediately, allowing its cool taste to comfort my burning insides.

“I’m so sorry about this mess, Ximena.” I managed in a weak voice, constantly patting my heart with my hand in some form of relief.

“Don’t worry about it. Are you feeling better now?” She asked in concern, her eyebrows inching towards her hairline.

“I..I’m okay now. I think I’m coming down with a fever or something.” I lied, choosing to keep my pregnancy a secret still.

She crouched with a sympathetic nod as she rubbed my back. I took deep breaths before taking out a few bills, “I think we should leave now.”

“Damon seems to have passed out.” Ximena brought to my attention my babymate’s condition; slumped against his chair, his eyes almost succumbing to sleep.

“I’ll take care of him.” I promised with a smile as I slid my purse onto the curve of my arm. Walking up to Damon, I whispered into his ear, “Damon, we need to go.”

He mumbled something incorrigible, leaving me with no other option but to take his hand in mine. I urged him to stand up, grabbing him by his elbow. He stumbled over me, causing my step to waver.

“Damon, lean on me.” I wrapped his arm around my shoulder while I fastened mine around his waist. He instantly leaned into my touch, burying his face into my hair as he huskily murmured, “Now we’re talking.”

I rolled my eyes at his innuendo, feeling his weight on me more of a protective blanket than a forceful burden. His warm breath on my face, his soothing touches over the fabric of my top that made my skin explode. Every inch of him pressed into mine reminded me of all the reasons his suggestion was sinfully right, of all the excuses I should not be making.

“‘Lena?” His voice melted my heart, yet caused my mind to shudder.

I immediately grabbed his belongings, stuffing them into his hand before instructing him to stay put. He barely kept his eyes open, but nodded nevertheless, obeying every command I passed. Our boots hooved with synchronization, his sloppy ones merging into my tenacious beats. 

As soon as we rounded his car, I stopped him, gripping his shoulders as I asked, “Keys?”

I thought he’d deny, like always. Reiterating about how possessive he was about his car, how he wouldn’t let anyone else drive his precious Camaro. 

Instead, all he spoke was, “Back pocket.”

My eyes shot up in astonishment, wondering how he’d changed his mind so fast. But with an opportunity this great in hand, I ignored the need to confirm. Instead, I reached out to his back pocket, inserting my hand in to locate his car keys.

He giggled in response as I looked up at him, “It tickles.”

Damon was a lot more open when he was drunk. He wasn’t the man full of responsibilities and seriousness, but the guy without a care in the world.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I gave a saucy smile before retrieving the keys. I slid him into his seat, locking him in with the seatbelt before getting in behind the wheel.

Fastening myself, I drew in a breath. Driving a car was ordinary. But driving Damon’s Camaro was a privilege.

And I wasn’t going to waste it.

----------

“You drive well.” He slurred as I whizzed past the long road leading to Mystic Falls. 

The corners of my lips twitched into a smirk at the compliment before noting, “You say it with surprise.”

“I do. I thought my Camaro didn’t listen to anyone other than me.” He frowned like a child to which I giggled.

“You never told me why you were so possessive about this car.” I pointed out, leaning back into the leather seat as I loosened my grip on the steering wheel.

He gave out a long sigh, plopping one arm against the window, “It’s a long story.”

“Not like we have anything else to do.” I shrugged as he cast me a wistful glance. “It’s complicated.”

“No. It’s too difficult for you to relive.” I hadn’t intended to admonish but couldn’t stop myself from blurting the truth. I winced the next second, waiting for him to berate. He let the silence fill the air between us, allowing the soft breeze of wind to speak for our minds. For a moment I thought he had reserved himself again. Until he spoke again, surprising me again.

“My parents used to fight a lot.” Damon began solemnly, brushing his fingers through his hair.

“I’m sure you know.” He laughed mirthlessly, the pain in his tone making me tighten my grip on the wheel.

“Damon, I--”

“It wasn’t the occasional quarrels anymore. Never the lighthearted banter. Just plain accusations. Of extra-marital affairs. Of unfulfilling duties.” He swallowed with great difficulty.

“You’d think I wouldn’t care considering the macho attitude I always carried…” I shook my head, knowing the real him. That he felt too. He understood emotions too. No matter how rowdy and cold-stoned he pretended to be.

“Normally I wouldn’t. But I was never able to stop myself when it concerned my mother.” His hand balled into a fist as I related to his suffering. Damon had always been protective about his mother, always closer to Lillian Salvatore than his barbaric father.

His eyelids lowered again, the effects of intoxication kicking in with intensity, “Every time I couldn’t, I’d run off. My Camaro was my escape. From my problems, from that unwanted reality.”

A lone tear trickled down his face, as he shuddered in his seat, “My car was my sole companion. The only one I trusted to never abandon me.”

It wasn’t an intended jibe. Yet it mirrored the truth I regretted the most.

With one hand set on the steering wheel, I reached out to take his hand in mine. He swayed to my side as I tightened my grip, “Your mother is proud of you, Damon.” 

He had stood by his mother through every hurdle. I was a testimony to their biggest hurdle, amidst the four walls of court he never wished to be in.

He chuckled with a scorn before shaking his head vigorously, “I’ve failed my mother, ‘Lena.”

We crossed the lighted sign board welcoming us to Mystic Falls as I frowned, “What are you talking about?”

I simultaneously maneuvered my way through the city I knew all too well as he revealed, “I’m losing her.”

“Damon…”

“I’m losing her to cancer.” He croaked in whispers, causing me to jerk the car to an abrupt halt.

“What?” I repeated in disbelief. Lillian, the ever loving and optimistic woman was…

“Oh yeah, I didn’t tell you, did I?” He waved his hand in the air callously before chortling to himself. “Last stage. We don’t know how long she’ll survive for but we can’t keep our hopes too high.”

“Damon…” I tried to reason, hoping for him to open up to his emotions rather than hiding away from them.

“Save it, Elena.” He shifted in his seat, his face austerely cold.

“I just wanted to say--”

“I don’t want to hear it.” His blue orbs glinted with fire before turning away. For a second I thought he had sobered.

“Just drive, please.” His request sounded more of a demand, which I complied with anyway. Damon had cocooned himself into his shell and he wouldn’t be coming out any soon. No matter how much I tried.

It wasn’t my position anymore. And so I drove.

----------

I silently parked in front of my apartment building, finding Damon with his eyes closed and head tilted to one side. The faint sounds of snores were evidence enough to claim that he was fast asleep this time. I took a deep breath in an attempt to cure any signs of nausea before getting out of the car.

“Damon?” I whispered, opening the door to his sleeping form. He stirred slightly, before shuffling back to sleep. 

I giggled at his boyish antics before helping him up to his feet. Dangling my purse in the crook of my arm and sliding his phone and wallet in his back pocket, I grabbed him by the waist again as we dodged our way to my apartment. It wasn’t an easy feat to achieve, with his weight overpowering mine and his fingers still smoothening circles on the curve of my shoulder. More than once did I look up to check whether he was really asleep or only feigning it, only to find his snores a regular sound in our silence.

“Just a few more steps.” I coerced him when he complained as we walked into my room. I gently lowered him to my side of the bed as he exhaled a long yet content sigh. Relieving him of his favorite black boots, I slowly lifted the duvet cover over him.

I can’t lose you too.

His words had held so much fear, his eyes had hidden so much pain. My heart burned to see him like this. So desperate, so helpless. His mother meant the world to him; the only one he had complete faith in who wouldn’t abandon her. She was a strong-willed woman, who never gave up. And here was life, slowly giving up on her. Lillian Salvatore deserved a life full of happiness, not one marred with regrets.

A breath trembled its way out as I feathered my hand over his face. Not in sympathy, but in support. Because at that moment I knew that these past three years had hardly changed my resolve.

I’d still do anything to free him of this pain. I’d still do anything for the sake of his happiness.

But first, I needed to alert someone. And so I took out my phone. And I typed.

----------

I found myself driving up to Richmond’s fanciest resort early next morning, in a loose white shirt paired with skinny denim jeans. I had woven my hair into a french braid and had donned a pair of tinted sunglasses. A little because of the sunny weather. More because I was afraid of being vulnerable.

Breaking down in front of Damon was something different. It still felt safe, it felt comforting. His whispers into my ear were nothing short of support and admiration rather than sympathy. But opening up in front of Matt was...not a wise option, to say the least. He was impulsive and aggressive; he could use any moment of vulnerability as an attack without much thought. It wasn’t his unpredictability that scared me, but his inclination towards devious schemes that did. Matt was all of this, but not a bad soul, I believed. He had abandoned me in a wreck and out of fear, I knew.

And so I had messaged Lexie Branson, whom I had only been acquainted with as one in Matt’s thriving social circle, for his whereabouts. I needed to find him, and I needed to tell him about my heart condition. Maybe then, he’d acknowledge our baby and take responsibility. Perhaps then, he would want to reconcile our relationship, or whatever life remained in me, for the innocent soul growing within me. Maybe then, he’d apologize for his reckless decisions.

And maybe then, I’d understand how difficult it could be to forgive someone you loved for their betrayal.

I stifled a breath, trembling my way out of my car into our apartment. An apartment that forever welcomed me with open arms now seemed cold and impervious to my turmoil. I dreaded the conversation I was about to have with the one I loved the most in this world. My mind knew I had made the right decision but my heart continued to taunt me with rhetorical propositions. I should have talked to him. I should have shared my fears with him. I should have put his happiness over mine.

Should I have?

I would never know. But I couldn’t keep it in me any longer. Caroline was right. I couldn’t hurt him like this any longer. I couldn’t weave the dreams he saw when I had crushed them myself. I had obliterated every possibility of a future together. I had betrayed him, I had lost his trust. He would never forgive me. He would never look at me the same way. We would never share cheeky laughs or mischievous flirts. We would no longer share meals together, never spend nights in each others’ arms. 

I had given all that up, for a stupid confusion. He would never love me again.

But hadn’t he promised his unwavering love for me? He had, more than once, claimed that nothing could change his feelings about me. That what he felt for me was unprecedented, unconditional, irrevocable. That I was too precious to him. I had believed every word of love he had uttered. How could I have not, when I felt the same if not more? I loved him with every inch of my being. Our love wasn’t a whirlwind romance, but a carefully penetrated emotion. One incident could not have the power to demarcate us from our undying love.

With an unshakening resolve, I rang the doorbell of our apartment, and waited with anticipated breaths.

“Where were you?” 

He welcomed me with a question I feared to answer. One look into his baby blue orbs made my knees wobble and my resolve weaken. I couldn’t hurt him like this.

But I couldn’t continue betraying him either. And so I decided, “Actually, I...Damon…”

“You know what, it doesn’t matter. You’re here and I’m happy.” 

His lips curved into a mesmerising smile as his arms curved around my waist, engulfing me into a hug. I immediately sought the warmth of his embrace, burying my head into the crook of his shoulder as I bit back tears. This could be the last hug I shared with him, the last time he spared me a gaze so loving.

“Damon, I actually had something to tell you--”

“Less talking, more kissing.” He hushed me with words my heart could never defy. 

His lips descended on mine and my heart soared in glee. It started off like a soft brush of feather, exceptionally gentle as if memorizing a sacred hymn. And then his tongue lapped over my lips, coercing me to allow him into the caverns of my mouth. I happily complied, slowly tracing my fingers over his broad shoulders to the silky strands of his hair. The moment his tongue met mine, my body exploded in euphoria. How was it possible to come undone with just a kiss? How was it still possible after sharing three beautiful years of my life with this man? It shouldn’t be, and yet it was. Because the connection I felt was too deep to deny, too fervent to not give in to.

His hands had been caressing my face when he stopped with his ministrations, pulling back with a frown. He wiped away the tears I hadn’t realized I’d been shedding when he asked, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

The concern in his voice repeatedly reminded me of my betrayal he didn’t know about yet. It scolded me on how I didn’t deserve his care. I wasn’t worthy of his love. And so I shivered, succumbing my tears to sobs.

“‘Lena, what’s wrong?” He lifted my face to meet my eye.

I shook my head in guilt as I confessed, “I love you Damon.”

“I love you too, ‘Lena.” He continued rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me down.

“No you don’t understand. I love you, Damon, more than you can imagine. I love you too much to let you go, but I will if that’s what makes you happy. You matter to me more than anything in this world, Damon.” I pleaded, my vision blurring but my gaze fixated on his orbs.

“My happiness is with you, baby.” He touched his forehead with mine as his hands cocooned over mine.

“I don’t deserve you.” I weeped, covering my face with my hands in shame when he hushed me, “It’s me who doesn’t deserve you, ‘Lena.” With that he pulled me into his arms again. I buried my head in his chest, naturally placing one hand over his heart.

“Shh...calm down. We need to take care of you the most right now.” He whispered as his hand wrapped protectively around my belly.

I couldn’t bear this any longer. The guilt was suffocating me, swearing me to death. And so I began, “We don’t. We don’t anymore, Damon.”

“What?” He pulled back in confusion.

My lips quivered in hesitance before forming, “I-I got rid of it.”

His arms dropped to his side and his step faltered, “What?”

I blinked furiously as I looked away, unable to bear his traumatized state, “The baby. I got rid of it at the hospital today.”

He cupped my chin, lifting my face to his as his jaw tightened, “You don’t even have the courage to say it right?”

I met his eye with tears streaming down my face as he gripped my shoulders, “You got an abortion. You killed our baby.”

I tensely shook my head in denial, “I didn’t, I--” I wasn’t a murderer.

“Why?” His voice broke.

“Why, ‘Lena?” He repeated, inching up to me.

I stuttered, “I--I wasn’t ready, Damon. I didn’t want this baby.”

“And what about me?!” He bellowed out loud, making me shiver.

“Did you even think about me? About what I felt about this baby?” He asked with pointed accusation.

“You were so ecstatic when we found out and I--I didn’t know what to do. I was confused, Damon.”

“You were confused?!” He shrieked in hysteria.

“I’m 21, Damon! I barely have an established career. I wanted to make an identity for myself before becoming a mother!” I flailed my arms in frustration.

“But you wanted a family and so--”

“I wanted a family?!”

“Of course you did. You wanted to settle down, marriage and all. Why wouldn’t you, after all you’re 31.”

“Is this what you think this is about? Our age difference?”

“You have a thriving career, Damon. And I’m still struggling through internships. All this was too soon.”

“So why didn’t you tell me that you weren’t ready?”

“Because I knew you’d convince me into thinking otherwise.”

“Do you really think that about me? You really thought I wouldn’t have supported you had you not wanted us to have a baby right now?”

His words abruptly halted my train of thoughts as my gaze softened from scrutiny to dawned realization, “What?”

His voice lowered to a whisper, “I wasn’t averse to the idea of marriage or family, yes. But not without you, ‘Lena. A future with you was more important to me than any other future.”

And that’s when it struck, “Was?”

“Until you decided to write our future on your own.” He tersely turned his back to my face and I felt a punch in my gut.

“Damon…” I pleaded with a desolate tone.

“You betrayed me, Elena.” Hearing my name from his lips had never felt so painstakingly foreign.

“The one person I trusted and loved the most in this world betrayed me.” He scornfully remarked, demeaning me lower than ever in my eyes.

I could not muster the courage to step towards him, “I didn’t mean to--”

“Oh I’m sure your intentions were almost honorable.” He chided. 

“I never wanted to hurt you, Damon.” I grew defensive.

“You would have talked to me about this, Elena. I thought there were no barriers between us, that we shared everything with each other.”

“I feared you’d leave me.”

“Have your actions given me any other choice?”

I instantly rushed up to him, “Damon, please forgive me.”

His face contorted into an incredulous expression, “How can you ask such a thing?”

“You said our love could stand every obstacle.” I whispered in reminder. 

His eyes glowered into mine, “I didn’t know you’d be the one creating them.”

A lone tear marred my left cheek, “Do you not love me anymore?”

“It hurts that I can’t bring myself to hate you. I’d never be able to.” His brows raised in desperation as I cupped his face, “Please give me another chance.”

“I can’t, not after what you did.” He shook his head in plea as my lips curved inwards at an attempt to stop the flood of tears threatening to pool.

“Our love can’t have a tragic ending.” I worded in disbelief.

He pulled my hands away by the wrists, “You didn’t allow for anything else.”

I nodded in admission. However painful this was, I had to accept it. It was my own doing. This was it.

“I suppose I should pack my belongings.” I motioned away from him with a sniff when a hand clung onto mine.

“I never imagined letting you go to be this hard.”

I looked over my shoulder to see a tear trickle down his face, “I never imagined leaving you at all.”

“Please give me another chance to fix this, Damon. I promise, I’ll never break your trust again.” 

“It’s too difficult to trust again.”

“Even the person you love the most?” I inched up to his side, dissolving myself in his arms.

“I don’t know how to live in a world without you by my side, Damon.”

His face held an unfathomable expression, mixed with pain and longingness. And yet he kept his arms to his side.

“Can’t we get past this?” I murmured in his chest, breathing his unique yet enchanting scent.

“Once I begin to process this, maybe.” He spoke sordidly as I winced.

“Is my mistake worth the end of our relationship, Damon?” I asked when he peered his gaze away from me.

“Please give me a last chance to redeem myself in your eyes. Please forgive me, Damon.” I begged, willing to do anything to give him the usual glitter of eyes that had forgotten to shine.

I would do whatever I could to salvage us. Not because I couldn’t live with the constant guilt. But because Damon Salvatore was worth fighting for till the last breath. 

Always.

No longer did I have a resolve so strong to beat every hurdle in the way. Instead, I constantly reminded myself to breathe as I walked up to the front desk of the resort and asked, “Matt Donovan?”

Being the ultimate playboy slash eye candy amidst the entire female population of Virginia, the receptionist blushed under her batted eyelashes before revealing his room number. 

How did I always manage to find only such guys as boyfriends?

I walked into the nearest available elevator and pressed for the eleventh floor while I waited with bated breaths. I shuddered to even look at myself in the adjacent mirror, fearing I’d succumb to the feeble version I had grown accustomed to. I did, however, allow myself to fix the nonexistent wrinkles of my shirt, ensuring its loose fitting to be well enough to cover the slight bulge of my abdomen.

Stepping onto the red and golden carpeted floor, I walked down the long corridor before taking a right. I found myself right in front of room 1124. I could distant hear indistinct voices, followed by a series of chuckles. I braced myself for the worst, assuming Matt was not without company, and finally mustered the courage to knock. 

It took a few seconds for the door to open, only to reveal a disheveled Matt Donovan in just a towel.

I immediately contorted when he acknowledged with surprise, “Elena.” He reeked of alcohol and cigarette smoke.

I lifted my face nevertheless, trying my best to keep a bold face despite my crumbling eyes behind those sunglasses, “Matt.”

“I wasn’t expecting you here.” He tilted the door to block the view.

“I don’t think you were expecting me ever.” I admonished, crossing my hands over my chest.

When he refused to say anything else, I went on, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah, go on.” He offered with a shrug to which I casted an incredulous look.

“Somewhere private please? Unless you’ve already ruined the last bit of dignity left in you.” I gritted through my teeth.

He closed the door behind him and ushered me further down the corridor to an isolated corner.

“I know you’re shocked with my pregnancy, which is probably why you weren’t responding to my texts but--”

He scoffed as he interrupted, “Do you see me shocked here, Elena?”

“God, I never thought you would be this naive.” He mocked in a condescending tone that made me feel bashful.

“I thought you wanted to patch up--”

“I don’t want anything to do with you, Elena! Or this baby!” He hollered with a faint glimmer in his faded blue eyes.

I tried to calm myself, reminding myself that these words were only a result of impulsive rage.

“Look, I know you’re mad at me for this baby, given the timing but--”

“No, I’m mad at you for lying to me, Elena!” His words left me appalled more than annoyed.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, stop with this farce now.” He chided me as I furrowed my brows.

I began to defend myself, “Matt, I’ve never lied to you.”

“You’re right. You didn’t just lie. You betrayed me too, Elena.” I felt a punch to my gut at hearing the familiar accusation. I felt slightly heady, almost about to lose my balance.

“I don’t understand..” I whispered in surprise.

“You never reciprocated my love for you. How could you, when you were always in love with Damon Salvatore?” He fired and my step faltered.

“I wasn’t--I gave my all to this relationship, Matt.” I reasoned.

“But you couldn’t give me your heart, Elena. I didn’t deserve this.” He gritted, clutching my shoulders with dominance.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I found myself repeating the words once Damon had.

“You were too oblivious and drowned in your former relationship to realize ours.”

“But we were together all the time. I always tried to keep you happy.” I said when he perched his hands on his hips and looked away with a scoff.

“Oh yeah, the sex was the only good thing in our relationship. And so that’s what I did, to give you what you deserve.”

My face crinkled in confusion to which he elaborated with a snicker, “I deliberately got your pregnant, Elena. It was not an accident.”

My lips quivered in fear and I felt color drain from my face, “What?”

“You’ve lived in guilt for murdering your baby with Damon. And so I made you believe that you were at fault for this unwanted pregnancy that created a rift between us. I never wore protection the last time we were together. You deserve to live with this guilt your whole life, Gilbert.” He lashed out.

“What did I ever do to you to deserve this?” Tears brimmed in my eyes.

“You chose to love Damon when I was clearly the better choice.” Matt snided as I looked up at him ferociously. 

Who was he to decide the fate of my life? What sort of obsessive love was this that demanded vengeance instead of happiness? I had known Matt since high school, and yet I had failed to recognize him. It was foolish of me to get into a relationship right after falling out of one. But it was more foolish to have thought of giving him a second chance. He wasn’t afraid of commitment, he chose to live without one. He chose to string everyone along according to his desires until he got bored. Matt had decided on what I deserved. I could do the same.

So I did.

Slap.

“This is what you deserve, Donovan. For not respecting my choices and for keeping your ego above everything else.” My hand tingled with the after effects and his head remained tilted to one side.

“I was an emotional mess when we started dating, Matt. You knew what Damon meant to me back then. The least you could have done was reconcile me with my feelings for him. But you chose to exploit me.” His hand rubbed his cheek as he cast me a defiant gaze.

“Don’t make me the villain here when you enjoyed it too. As far as the baby is concerned, just abort it like you had last time.”

I stopped the urge to smack him again and instead chose the weapon of words instead, “Not that we had too much of a relationship, as you made abundantly clear, but today, you lost our friendship too.”

I walked up to him, my voice dangerously low but clear enough, “You will never cross paths with me or my baby again. My baby has nothing to do with you; not even your last name. And I’ll make sure he grows up to be everything you aren’t. Because that’s what you deserve.”

With that, I turned on my heel, closing a chapter of my life I cursed myself for associating hopes with. Matt Donovan meant nothing in my life anymore. Just a treacherous memory I never wanted to relive.

I was a single mother-to-be.

With a slowly dying heart. But a strong-willed spirit.

I breathed.