Brutal revelations ahead
I woke up the next dawn to find the sun barely flickering and an empty yet well made single bed across mine. Damon had left, just like the terms of the contract had dictated. While the database recommended only one exclusionary day, I persuaded my Babymate to spend the entire weekend at home. It was for the best, for every reason possible.
One, it would give him the time to be a husband and father. I was already robbing him off his family five days a week because of my messed up life. I didn’t want Louis to remember his father’s absence because of me. I didn’t want Katherine to be void of a husband because of me. This was the least I could do.
Two, it would constantly remind me of our boundaries. Damon’s regular absence from my life would remind me of what we have. Just a professional relationship bound by contract. Whatever happened last night meant nothing more than a babymate consoling a hormonal pregnant woman. It would have to remain that way for I couldn’t let my feelings meddle in between. No matter what he assured, I knew I didn’t have much time left. I could feel it in the constant physical ache of my heart, could hear it in the frequent shortness of breath. The medicines were helpful throughout the better part of the day, but I knew I’d be foolish if I hoped for more.
After a quick shower, I wrapped myself in baggy pants, a loose tee and a beige cardigan. Tying my hair up in a bun, I stepped out of my room, hoping to have some breakfast that didn’t include any chocolate. Mitral stenosis was a complication enough, I did not want to have to deal with diabetes too. So I forced two slices of bread layered with butter down my throat, convincing my baby that this was healthy. He agreed surprisingly, making me hungry for an extra slice of bread.
I had only gotten through reading my emails and apologizing for my ‘illness’ over the past week that I heard the doorbell chime. From what I remembered, I wasn’t expecting anyone on a Saturday morning.
With a frown, I walked up to the door, looking into the peephole before welcoming her in, “Caroline?”
“Dammit was Damon right!” She cursed herself before barging in, her blonde locks of hair bouncing with every step.
“Um, about what?” I shut the door before turning towards her with puckered brows.
She huffed a sigh before slouching on the beige sofa, “You truly are a vampire; you never sleep.”
I rolled my eyes at her exaggerated comment before denying, “That’s not true.”
She raised a skeptical brow, “Yeah? When did you wake up?”
“At 6.” I shrugged and she silenced me with a pointed look, “What?” I questioned offendedly, “I always wake up at 6.”
“It’s Saturday!” She burst out.
I shrugged again, “I know.”
“I’ve already skipped work for a week now, Caroline. I can’t afford to miss it anymore.” I told her sternly.
Her shoulders relaxed and I lounged beside her, occupying the seat Damon had last night. “You already work too much, Elena. You deserved this week off.”
I pursed my lips in helplessness and she let out a disappointed breath, well aware of what my work meant for me.
“So I’m assuming Damon filled you in on what happened at the doctor’s.” I began nervously.
Her face grew austere, her bright blue eyes void of enthusiasm, instead pooling with desperate tears, “I’m not ready to lose my best friend.”
“Oh Care…” I cried out to her in a tight bear-hug, barely registering the fact that Damon had shared my resolution with her.
“You won’t lose me.” I pulled back with tears in my eyes, “You’ll have me in your memories. And in my son.” I promised, clutching her hand.
“I don’t understand why you’ve given up so soon this time. This isn’t you, Elena.” She pressed, her voice tense.
I sighed deeply before sniffing, “It’s because I’ve finally accepted my reality. I can’t change something I don’t have any control over.”
“You don’t know how severe it is.” She reminded me with a glimmer of hope.
I just covered her hand with my own, unable to express how close to death I felt every minute of every day. However, I couldn’t let Caroline or Damon worry about me every second, persisting me to stay strong. I wouldn’t be able to give rise to their hopes, but I didn’t have the heart to crush them either.
So I decided to deflect, “Let’s just take things as they come.” I pat her shoulder in assurance and I finally watched her reluctantly agree.
“Are you and Damon ganging up on me on some secret mission?” I asked lightheartedly.
She wiped away the remnants of her tears, her mouth forming a pout, “What do you mean?”
I scrutinized my gaze, “It feels as if Damon’s been giving a daily report of my wellbeing to you and vice-versa.”
“Yeah, like you are all we talk about.” She muttered under her breath and I tilted my head to one side in question.
“Elena, stop with the interrogation. It’s nothing like that. We just happened to speak over the phone last night.” She lied weakly.
“Care…” I warned, watching her surrender.
“Okay, fine! You were so distressed and broken this past week we didn’t know what to do. And so we started talking to each other, trying to come up with ways to cheer you up. That’s the only reason he called me last night.” She confessed, flailing her arms about.
I gulped in guilt, realizing in that moment how much I had been affecting them with my thoughtless behavior. I was too self-involved to notice the damage I was causing to the people who cared about me. I couldn’t do this any longer. I wouldn’t.
So I resoluted, “I guess your tricks worked then, I’m here and I’m fine now.” I held my head high in confidence before walking over to the kitchen.
“By the way, how much did Damon tell you about last night?” I wondered.
“Just that you finally broke your mourning silence and told him about your stupid resolution. Nothing else.” She filled in, approaching the other side of the kitchen counter.
He probably considered our meltdown as nothing but being in the heat of the moment. I brushed off the snagging feeling in the pit of my stomach and focused on pouring my best friend a glass of orange juice, “So what brings you here, this early in the morning?”
“I figured we could go shopping today.” She clapped her hands boisterously while I frowned, “I should have figured that one out myself.”
“C’mon, Elena! It’s been so long!” She whined in complaint as I rolled my eyes, “We went shopping a month ago, Care!”
“Exactly! It’s been a month, let’s go!” She pointed out with widened eyes while I repeated, “I’m really not interested today.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve got a lot of work I need to catch up on, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to do my laundry, and the list goes on.” I breathed.
Her expression changed to one filled with innocence, “C’mon Elena, can’t you spare a few hours for your best friend?”
“Stop with the emotional blackmail, Care.” I scowled grumpily.
“C’mon.”
“I’m not going, Caroline, and that’s final.”
----------
Two hours later, I found myself in front of a crowded McDonald’s counter with my best friend, placing our order before finding a table for ourselves.
I huffed in exasperation before placing bags of H&M, Bershka and Victoria’s Secret on the empty side beside me, “This was really unnecessary,”
“Nonsense. This was so needed.” She insisted, placing her set of shopping bags next to her.
“This isn’t even maternity shopping.” I reminded her of the excuse she convinced me with.
“What do you think Victoria’s Secret was all about?” She smirked, confusing me further.
“How is buying a bunch of lingerie going to help me with my pregnancy?”
“I’ve read that a pregnant woman’s libido tends to increase towards the end of their first trimester and into their second.”
“So?”
“So…” She huffed, as if explaining the obvious, “This is to entice the lovers who’ll pleasure you.”
I turned red instantly, “Caroline! You want me to indulge with a hooker?”
“Why not? Unless you’re interested in…”
“..in?” I probed dreadfully.
“You know, sleeping with Damon!”
“Oh my God.” I facepalmed myself in horror.
“Caroline! Damon’s my babymate. Not my boyfriend or a hooker!” I reiterated the obvious in case she had forgotten.
“Why are you being such a prude about this? It’s not like you’re a virgin.” She giggled.
I shook my head in bewilderment, “How are you being so blasphemous?”
“Okay, isn’t that a little too much?” She laughed before continuing, “I haven’t said anything wrong, Elena.”
“I’m not sexually indulging myself with anyone.” I asserted firmly, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Alright, listen to me here.” My best friend grew serious, “There’s nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else during pregnancy, Elena, as long as you take all safety measures. In fact, it’s healthy.”
“And the baby?”
“Nothing happens to the baby as long as you’re comfortable. The sexual frustration, however, might be a problem to both the mother and the baby.” She smirked deviously at the end.
“That won’t happen because I can keep my emotions perfectly in control.” I guaranteed with a smile when the buzzer vibrated, reminding us of our ordered meal.
Caroline excused herself, leaving me in thought. I wasn’t as afraid of the sexual act itself as of its partner. I couldn’t involve myself in a one night stand; it just wasn’t in me. I wasn’t one to act recklessly, giving into my desires so easily with a stranger. My babymate inevitably popped up in my mind, and I floundered myself for even proposing the idea. Damon Salvatore was off limits; and not just because of our complicated past. He was committed to someone else now. I wouldn’t forcefully bind him to me again, not after I had reaped the effects three years ago. Nothing with him could stay casual. Feelings would uncontrollably ensue and I couldn’t afford to break a family because of me.
My best friend came back with two trays of burgers and fries along with our soft drinks when I proposed, “Maybe I’ll be able to reconcile with Matt.”
She tilted her head to one side with an incredulous frown, “You really think that’s worth it? After all that he did to you?”
“This pregnancy was unexpected, Care. It was natural for him to freak out.” I justified his actions dimly.
“Freak out and just disappear? He hasn’t contacted you for the past six weeks now, Elena. And you’ve been texting him what, everyday?” She fired.
I barely nodded when her voice softened, “I know you think he deserves another chance but Matt and you are not the same, Elena.”
I looked up at her, “But we are, Caroline. Which is why I understand. I know him, he wouldn’t just run off without a valid reason. His job was at risk, he wasn’t ready for this.”
“I can’t believe you’re still defending him!” She burst cynically. “Don’t you realize he isn’t worth it, Elena?”
“I just can’t give up on him, that’s not how relationships work! Maybe you would know that too had you been in a serious relationship!” I spat back with equal fervor. I swallowed back a lump in my throat when finding her wince.
She spoke after a moment of silence through gritted teeth, “I may have had a thousand casual flings but I know when to emotionally invest myself. At least every guy I hooked up with respected me and my decisions. Can I say the same about you?”
I looked away in misery, “Matt has respected me too, Caroline.” I assured meekly.
“He swooped in when you were too broken to understand anything, Elena. And he took advantage of that. That’s anything but respect.” She bit back with disgust as I found myself sinking deeper into my chair.
It wasn’t true. Matt had been my best friend since high school, someone who truly had feelings for me, not some abusive rebound from Damon.
“He’s the father of my baby, Caroline. Nothing can change that.” I asserted.
“I’m done arguing with someone who doesn’t want to listen or admit to the truth, Elena. So you do what you want to do. You want to pine over Matt and demean yourself in front of him, go ahead.” She tersely resolved, her tone dripping with sarcasm.
“Oh and by the way.” She rose to her feet.
“This pregnancy was not unexpected, Elena. It was forced.”
She pushed her chair back and took her bags. And then she left, leaving me with just a tray of half-eaten fries, a soda can and a cold burger.
My best friend refused to understand. What could I expect from anyone else?
----------
I returned to the silence of the four walls of my home with multiple shopping bags and a heavy heart. Dropping my purse to the ground, I heaved a deep sigh, gurgling heaps of water before slumping onto the couch. I could feel the exhaustion starting to wear me off, my eyes suddenly heavy, my palms almost sweating.
There was one thing that I still needed to do. One person I still needed to contact.
And so I quickly unlocked my phone, in hopes that the father of my baby would pick up my phone call just this one time. A few bated breaths led to lingering disappointment. Automated message, once again. I groaned at the long beep in dejection, praying he would call back. I had expected his ignorance towards me as well as his nonchalance towards the current situation. Never had we gotten the chance to speak to one another about this, neither of us were prepared for such a huge responsibility.
What I hadn’t expected was for him to move on so easily, his public display of affections glaring at me on Instagram.
I zoomed into a picture posted by some third party paparazzi handle, with Matt Donovan in his swim trunks posing with a girl in a skimpy bikini as they partied at a beach. Matt looked hammered, his eyes hazy behind his loose sunglasses, a cigarette between his lips and beer bottles lying strewn on the ground. The caption bore so much resemblance it made my mind take me back through a rigmarole of memories.
‘Business tycoon Peter Donovan’s son Matt Donovan and Lexie Branson - aren’t they the cutest?’
‘Acclaimed lawyer Damon Salvatore and friend, Katherine Pierce - aren’t they the cutest?’
I zoomed into a picture clicked and posted by some third party paparazzi handle, with Damon in a suave three piece black tux, his hair pulled back hiding his wild mane, his lips curved from one end into a signature smirk. My breath hitched at his dapper look, the charisma in his piercing blue eyes never failing to enthrall me. But the hitch lingered, transforming into a shudder as I noticed the girl next to him. Standing just a few perfect inches shorter than him, was a woman in a deep v-neck black gown. Her mid-back length hair just a shade lighter than his, straightened and pulled back behind her ear. Her olive skin complemented his pale white one, her cheeks flushed, her smile ever so radiant, her brown eyes captivated by his as she gazed at my boyfriend in adoration. Her jawline was perfect, her facial features equally sharp. She slung a hand around his waist while he posed for the camera.
Katherine Pierce.
Damon’s most affluent client. I had only heard about her for so long, but finally got to witness what a beauty she had been bestowed with today. I slumped deeper into the couch, over conscious of my own looks once again. Damon was beyond the handsome male when it came to appearances; he was beautiful. Often I doubted whether I deserved him, the question bombarding my head of what he really saw in me. I was never one for focusing on my own appearance, always claiming that it was the soul and virtue of a person that mattered the most. But men didn’t think that way. Men like Damon Salvatore were too charming to think that way. Each time he would quell my doubts by singing praises in my direction, I would feel my self-esteem rise a little more, the confidence of Damon and I being the best match for each other.
Until now.
With words between us reduced to a bare minimum after what I did that night a week ago, I should have expected this. He had moved on, finding a companion that was loyal and honest to him. A woman who would never betray, who would never hurt him the way I did. I had asked him to punish me for my sin, but never had I imagined it would feel this way. I could hear my heart ache as it crumbled, I could feel my feet wobble when I tried to stand up. My fingers trembled as I locked my phone screen again, wondering whether I could erase their image from my mind too. Tears started to blur my vision as I found myself abandoned yet again. I broke into sobs, hating how my entire being hurt. I didn’t deserve Damon. Not when I met him for the first time, not when he asked me to move in with him. Definitely not now when I had betrayed him. He deserved much better than him. He did.
But couldn’t we give ourselves a second chance? Everyone got one, why couldn’t I? Was I so unreliable that I couldn’t be trusted again? Was I so conniving that I couldn’t be loved again? He said he had forgiven me, could he not mean it too? Despite a broken heart, my soul refused to accept defeat without a fight. I couldn’t just leave without answers, without trying one last time. He was too precious to let go, this relationship too betrothed to my heart to abandon. And so I ran to my room, putting myself into the first gown I found, wearing nothing but a stroke of eyeliner and concealer to hide the dark circles before hastily barging out the door. I would drive to the ballroom where the annual ‘Solicitors and Barristers of Virginia’ ball was taking place, would find a beaming Damon welcome me in his arms and everything would be perfect once again. It had to be.
My sedan car screeched to halt, putting an end to my reckless driving as I pulled fingers through my straightened hair before escaping the confines of my car, ready to fall into his embrace. Katherine was just a client, nothing more. I was still the love of his life, my heart begged to hope.
I dashed past the grand Victorian gates of entrance, my stilettos clanking with each step as a gust of cool air tickled my face. The ballroom was as elegant as I had remembered; the architecture was intricately Gothic, it’s ceiling rising to a dome with a grand chandelier hanging in the middle, adorned with somber lights. The faint melody of violins echoed in my ears as I reminisced every dance I had twirled in Damon’s arms. I spotted him instantly in one corner of the room and the distant smile fell deeper than a ton of bricks. He had his arm wrapped around Katherine’s waist, sharing a loving grin he always kept for me. I blinked back the tears as I approached him with dubious steps, my heart thumping so wildly I could hear it amidst the murmurs across the ballroom. I gently tapped his shoulder, the woman in his arms tersely stopping with a frown. Her partner turned on his heel with a similar frown, until his face slacked in realization and his eyes widened in shock, “Elena?”
My lips quivered, “I thought you had saved all your dances for me, Damon.” I murmured with an outstretched hand.
He whispered something of an excuse to Katherine who nodded in sympathetic understanding. He then took my hand and walked me through the ocean of guests to a corner near the restrooms.
“What are you doing here, Elena?” He gritted, the lack of love in his voice piercing through my soul.
“What are you doing to me, Damon?” I tilted my head helplessly, trying to meet his gaze.
But he seemed too focused on his other colleagues currently murmuring comments around.
“Elena.” He pressed.
I flung my hand out of his grip, “You can’t just give my place to some random hooker--”
“She’s a client, Elena.” He defended quickly, his eyes glittering in rage.
“And what am I, Damon? What am I to you?” A tear escaped my eye.
“You’re currently an intruder at this ball, Elena. I’ve got a reputation I have to maintain, I thought you understood.” He whispered, passing smiles
“I thought you understood my feelings, Damon!”
“I thought you understood my love for you, Elena! But I guess we were both wrong.” He lashed out with equal fervor, making my breath stumble.
I helplessly reminded him, “You had forgiven me, you said you could give us a second chance, you--”
“No.” He interrupted harshly.
“You wanted me to forgive you, you wanted us to have a second chance, Elena.”
Tears began to stain my face, “And you didn’t want any of that? Are you done with me, Damon?”
“I wanted time, Elena! To process all of this, to forgive you. You can’t expect things to be normal seconds after you…”
“After I betray you.” I completed it with a nod.
“You’re ashamed of me. You can’t stand the sight of me, that’s why you didn’t bring me here, right?”
“I’m not ashamed, Elena. I’m disappointed in you. In us. I didn’t bring you here because I didn’t want to say or do something I’d regret. But thanks to you, I already have.” He berated, masking his hurt with an expression of indifference.
I could only whisper out to him,
“Damon…”
“Elena…” I shuddered at the familiar voice as I felt a feathery caress on my cheek. I slowly adjusted my eyes to my surroundings and identified the person hovering over me, “Damon?”
I hadn’t realized when my eyes had dozed off. I rubbed the back of my neck to ease the strained muscles a little before running a hand through my hair.
“Were you crying?” His voice filled with concern, to my surprise.
I dabbed my tear-stained face, wiping off aimlessly as I made an excuse, “Probably a nightmare.”
I changed the topic before he could investigate any further, “Wait, you’re here? Isn’t it Saturday still?”
He propped himself on the armrest of the couch, the cotton shirt he wore matching the blue of his eyes, “7 PM, Saturday still. Katherine went over to her parents’ house for the rest of the weekend so I decided I’d drop by.”
“Oh.”
“It’s better than living in an empty house.”
“Of course, yeah.” I managed to utter, my thoughts still jumbled to distinguish dreams from reality.
I got up to get a glass of water when my babymate called out, “I see you went shopping? Was Caroline in here?” He chuckled at his joke while I stiffened. Every word of accusation tossed between my best friend and replayed in my mind, making me grimace in pain.
“Elena?” He had noticed the lack of response.
I rushed with an excuse, “Yeah, um Caroline had pestered me so much that I had to give in...Damon!” I gasped in shock at his latest discovery.
He was infamous for his habit of sneaking around. Today was just proof that his habit was as persistent as before.
Damon held a black lace teddy from Victoria’s Secret, with a diamond shaped cut-out in the middle, covered by just two straps that crossed each other. The back--if it could qualify as any--had nothing but a mix of black straps interwoven with each other to create a beautiful yet complex design. My mouth dropped and my eyes widened, for I never remembered Caroline putting such a brazen piece of clothing into the bag of purchases.
Damon however recovered sooner than me, the glint of shock in his eyes soon leveling to a glimmer of mischief.
“This isn’t for you to see.” I quickly chided, pulling the piece of provocative lingerie from his hands and dumping it in its respective bag.
I hadn’t acknowledged the dangerous proximity between us until I heard his words whisper into my ear, “Is it for me to tear off of you?”
I could feel goosebumps rise in excitement as tempting visuals marred my mind. I tried to control the shudder coursing through my veins at his huskiness, pulling a smirk myself as I stepped an inch towards him, leaving just centimeters between our lips.
I raised my eyes to meet his, “Maybe. You’ll never know.”
His arms slithered around my waist the next instant as he growled, “Oh, try me and I’ll show you.”
I loosely draped my arms around his neck, my wrists locking him in place, “Damon Salvatore, your charm can’t work every time. Not on me, at least.”
With that, I pulled back, walking away to my room with an additional sway of hips.
“Is that a challenge, Gilbert?” I smiled to myself at his cockiness.
“What if it is?” I snarked back at him.
He waggled his eyebrows and spoke in a way that still made my heart flutter, “Be prepared to lose.” He smiled smugly with a sparkle in his eyes I had only seen three years ago.
----------
“I can’t believe you still own this!” I giggled as we rounded his vintage sky blue car. Even under the pale moonlight, it looked nothing less than what I remembered from three years ago.
He chuckled in glee before opening the door for me, “My Camaro is something I’ll never give up.”
I rolled my eyes at his obsessive love for his 1969 Chevy Camaro convertible before whispering words of gratitude as I sat in. I gently raced my fingers along the black leather of my seat, soaking in the familiarity of sitting in the passenger seat once again. I looked to my left to find a serene smile adorned on his face as he caressed the steering wheel he refused to let anyone touch.
“Ready?”
I grinned back with equal confidence, “Whenever you are.”
The minute the engine of his car roared to life, I felt a cool gust of wind wash over my face. The sensation it created was terribly soothing, as if beckoning out to me. I rolled down the windows, folding my arms to rest them on the edge so that I could appreciate nature. I closed my eyes and a breath escaped my mouth as I allowed myself to just feel. And I did. I felt the shorter strands of hair tickle my forehead while the rest remained tied in a ponytail. I felt the jittery goosebumps rise in elation under my full sleeved maroon top. Felt the pleasant lull the wind brought with every gust, its intensity so liberating it made me want to surrender.
But most importantly, I felt Damon’s fervent gaze on me as the tiny strands of hair on the nape of my neck made themselves known.
“Damon, eyes on the road.” I spoke with a lousy sway, my eyes still shut.
“How can you always tell?” My lips curved upwards at his question.
I took a deep breath before turning to him, “I’ve got a sixth sense which works every time.”
He shook his head with a chuckle before reverting his gaze back to the road. Within minutes, I caught attention of a sign board, ‘Thank You for Visiting Mystic Falls’.
I tersely asked, “Damon, where are we going?”
He smirked for a long second before teasing, “Why don’t I let your sixth sense decide.”
Ugh, how much I hated his cockiness.
----------
“Ximena’s Mexicano Place?” The grumpiness had been replaced with newfound zeal as the car finally slowed down in a narrow alley in Richmond.
“Knew you’d never be able to guess.” He smirked in victory before exiting the car.
I stepped out and straightened my top before reminiscing about the restaurant. It didn’t give a good first impression, much the opposite due to being in a dark, narrow alley. The restaurant looked average from the outside, with its name highlighted in neon red and the transparent windows bordered with fairy lights of the same color. A small staircase of three steps led to a small gate which opened to a chattery space dimmed with minimal spotlights; just one hanging loosely above each table. From afar, it looked no different than a shabby bar. But in reality, it served one of the most mouth-watering Mexican dishes.
I knew it, because it’s where Damon had brought me for our first date.
“Way to charm someone, Salvatore.” I smirked at him as I walked in. Before he could return with a comeback, someone interrupted him with a boisterous voice, “The charming Damon Salvatore and beautiful Elena Gilbert, at my doorstep yet again!”
I grew appalled at the overwhelming sense of belongingness as a short and plump woman with an apron around her engulfed me in an embrace.
“I didn’t think you’d remember me, Ximena!” I giggled in delight, returning the hug.
“Good people are never forgotten, my dear.” She caressed my face lovingly and the smile on my face widened.
“It’s been a while since I came here.” I admitted, clutching her wrist on my face.
“It’s been a lot longer than a while, Elena. I don’t think I’ve seen you for the past three years or so now.”
I quickly spotted a suspicious frown on Damon’s face and dodged her comment, “I’ve been busy lately. But I’m sure Damon’s come here a lot more.” I made up an excuse, hoping for her to reprimand him for not showing up as often as we had promised.
Maybe I shouldn’t have. For I heard my heart fall deeper than ever with the next few words she uttered, “He has, quite a few times. But with someone else, what was her name, Damon?”
“Katherine, my wife.” His voice tightened in response as I clutched my hands awkwardly.
“Of course yes. How is she doing?” She asked out of courtesy.
I felt out of place. All this while I thought this restaurant held a similarly special place in his heart as it did in mine. But my heart constantly had to be reminded that he had moved on. That he had a wife he absolutely loved. He had a son who loved him. That I was nothing but a client he was a volunteer to.
“She’s good too.” He replied curtly, adding to the tension filled atmosphere.
Ximena realized that soon enough, “Let me get you two a table.”
She led us to a corner table at the back of the room before heading to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and two menu cards.
“Elena, I brought Katherine here because--”
“Damon, you don’t need to explain yourself. She’s your wife.” I winced at the queasiness in my tone, not meeting his eye.
He sighed in defeat and waited for a moment before asking, “How come you never came here after…”
“I’ve been busy lately.” I repeated instantly. I wasn’t going to tell him that this place was too painful to visit again after we had broken up. That it had too many memories I wasn’t ready to relive.
“Elena…” He began to say something when Ximena returned, much to my relief.
I passed a small smile to her, drinking an entire glass of water to calm my nerves down, all in vain.
“What would you like to order?” She asked, taking out a notepad and slipping a pencil from behind her ear.
I refused to meet his lingering stare as I read out, “Just a vegan taco salad for me.”
She turned to Damon who ordered out of reflex, “One burrito, that’s all.”
“Would you like two beers too?” She grinned, remembering our antics the first time we came here.
“No beer for me, Ximena. I’ll be okay with water.” I answered, not wanting to take any more of a risk with my pregnancy.
“One for me.” He ordered succinctly to which the owner nodded politely before heading back.
“I’ve ruined this for us, haven’t I?” He asked wearily.
“There wasn’t anything between us waiting to be ruined, Damon.” I spoke sharply, still fixated at my interlaced hands.
“Why won’t you look at me, then?” He asked and I could hear the slight desperation in his voice.
“Because it hurts too damn much.” I hit back, sparing his baby blues one glance before looking away.
I didn’t say anything when the beating of my heart sped at the look he was casting me with. I didn’t say anything when his gaze lingered on me for longer than what was deemed appropriate for a babymate. I didn’t say anything when a waiter came with our food, placing it in front of us as I chose to eat in silence.
But I couldn’t stop myself from resisting the silence when I saw him guzzle his beer in one massive gulp, ordering for the strongest whiskey available at the restaurant.
“Damon, are you sure...actually, nevermind.” I stopped, reminding myself that I did not have the right to say anything to him.
He scoffed hysterically, “Why did you stop?”
“I don’t have the right to comment on what you do, Damon.” I replied formally, inwardly grimacing at the growing awkwardness between us.
Dinner was a bad idea.
He laughed to himself, a snicker I thought to be in pain before diving into his burrito. I concentrated on my salad, forcing another spoon down my throat despite having lost the appetite.
A glass of whiskey made its way to our table, and an order for another one returned to the bar. I heaved a deep breath, wondering on ways to slice this impeccable tension but finding nothing at all. Nothing that I had the liberty to do.
Spoons clanked against porcelain plates, the usual chatter of guests working like music while uneven breaths echoed in our ears. By the time I finally weakened my resolve to draw eye contact, Damon was well into his fifth drink, his orbs a little dilated, his head swaying back and forth.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked with a sigh, feeling a little uneasy from inside.
He rested his elbows on the table, pushing his plate of a half-eaten burrito aside, “Why won’t you talk to me?”
“Why are you so hell-bent on having me talk to you? You’ve never been this way.” I pointed, my brows lifted in concern.
“I miss you. And I don’t want to waste a second of these last eight months prioritizing my ego when I can spend them with you. I can’t lose you too.” For a second, the hazy intoxication in his eyes cleared to genuine determination.
My heart melted at his words as he continued with a slur, “And all you want to do is stay mad at me. That’s not fair, ‘Lena.” My heart skipped a beat in joy at the husky mention of my name.
“Damon…” I began, covering his hand with my own, “I really appreciate your intentions…” He groaned at the formality of my tone but I continued anyway, “But I can’t attach myself to you again. Don’t make this so difficult for me.” I almost sobbed.
He shook his head sincerely before looking at me in his most vulnerable state, “I won’t let you go. I’ll fix this mitral--whatever, heart condition this is. I’ll find the best doctor, ‘Lena. You’ll live, I promise. I won’t leave you.”
Tears brimmed in my eyes at his undying hope and my heartbeat raced, “Even if I do get cured, I’ll only have you for eight months, Damon.”
“I’ll be here for you.” He assured quickly, clutching my hand in his.
“You have a family, Damon. And I can’t tear you from the ones you love the most because of my selfishness.”
“The person I love the most is sitting right in front of me.” He admitted as my breath hitched. This was the alcohol talking, I knew. He was probably imagining Katherine in my place, my heart grimaced. His eyelids drooped a little as he swung his head back, leaning against the chair while mumbling something.
There was so much I wanted to say to him. I wanted to lash out at him for bringing Katherine to a place I considered sacred between us. I wanted to stop him from hoping so much; that these hopes of a future came with an expiry date. I wanted to console him for his devastation, needing to reassure him that things would be okay even if I had no control over life.
But before I could say any of those things, I felt dread form in the pit of my stomach and fear in my heart.
It was a stroke of nausea.
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