Chapter 19:- Three Years

And at last they gave in to the distance of three years

“It was Swati, Sameer. Stop interfering in my life.” I tried to maintain the austerity in my voice that wavered in my orbs.

“Stop lying, Naina. I know it wasn’t her.” He huffed in denial, resting both hands on his hips.

I cried in exasperation, “Why do you care so much?” 

“Will you stop deflecting and answer the question, instead?” He hissed as I noticed his patience started to wear thin. 

I crossed my arms over my chest, adamant on staying mum. This was exactly why I despised him; because he could see through me despite our differences, despite the distance of three years. I couldn’t lie to him because my lies would immediately get caught. There was something about his captivating gaze that held me hostage and yet gave me a sense of liberation. Something about his comforting voice that gave me solace and assurance. Something about his tenacity-filled words that held a grip over me entirely. 

“Either you answer my question, or…” He insinuated with his threat-like tone as I met his gaze once again. 

“Or else?” I questioned, preparing myself yet again. I wouldn’t fall for his tricks, not again. 

A surreptitious grin formed on his face, “Or you let me come over to your place.” 

My eyes widened at his ultimatum while his face reflected his inner victory. Afterall, Sameer Maheshwari had just played his trump card and left me dumbfounded. 

There was not a lot of debate left in his given choices. I couldn’t reveal my secrets to him, couldn’t reveal the identity of the person I had called, the one person who had clouded all my dreams and had turned them into nightmares. I couldn’t let him know because I knew how he would react. I knew he would lose his temper and act recklessly, either with me or with the ones I was now associated with. And I couldn’t afford to bear the consequences of his wrath.

That left me with one option; perhaps I could handle him and his stream of questions that were about to follow. If Sameer Maheshwari claimed to know me well, I knew him too. I knew him enough to predict the bombarding list of questions. Questions perhaps I had no answers to. 

“Earth to Naina?” He waved his hands in front of my face, breaking my chain of thoughts.

“Fine, come along.” I exhaled in frustration. 

“Are you serious? You’re choosing THIS option?” Sameer emphasized with a widened stare and open jaw. 

I resorted to rolling my eyes over saying anything as he chuckled sarcastically, “Wow. Never knew Naina Agarwal would change so much.” 

Provoked, I spat, pointing my finger at him, “What do you mean?”

He scrutinized his gaze equally, taking a step towards me as he whispered gravely, “When will you stop this facade, Naina?”

….

Not more than a few minutes had passed. Not more than a few steps were taken outside college premises. Not more than a few punishing stares were cast in my direction before he began, “I can’t believe you’re letting me come over; something you’ve been apprehensive about all your life, over answering a little, almost irrelevant question.”

“It shouldn’t be too surprising for you. You’re getting your way anyways.” I replied emotionlessly as I stared ahead.

He halted in his steps abruptly, making me turn towards him, “What surprises me is your behavior, Naina. You find hiding things from me easier than defying your moral values.”

I turned away and shut my eyes in misery, trying to find a way to disappear from this surging embarrassment. He knew me too well. Either that or his memory was too sharp for him to remember the tiny, insignificant details.

He took two steps towards me and held me by my shoulders in an interrogative manner, “Naina?”

“Yeah well, it’s not like you haven’t hidden anything from me, Sameer.” I scoffed, eyeing him. His face changed, however instead of an infuriated expression I had expected him to carry, he had contorted in pain, as if admitting to my allegations. 

“What do you want to know?” He asked softly, meeting my eyes. 

I caught myself tongue-tied, unable to digest the absurd turn of events. He was unfathomable at times, completely unpredictable.

Clearing my throat, I blurted, “I don’t know. I don’t know how you’ve been for the last three years.”

“You haven’t considered keeping contact with me, Naina.” He accused me so gently, it hurt. 

I looked away tersely, cursing the pathetic stream of tears and threatened to spill any moment. And that’s when it all returned; the lingering tension, the heart-wrenching pain, the stifling air between us. Once again that unfortunate night flashed in front of my eyes. Once again my throat dried at the plausible consequences of this conversation. I shouldn’t have probed him, should’ve kept my mouth shut. Now that I had, here I was facing its consequences. 

“Anyways, now that you’ve asked, I’m open to sharing the last three years of my life. Briefly.” Sameer spoke nonchalantly, shrugging while tucking his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Why?” I couldn’t stop the curiosity within me. Why the kindness? Why the uncanny friendliness? Why now? 

His gaze softened as he leaned towards me, his breath brushing against my ear, “Because I want to give us another chance, Naina. And keeping secrets isn’t the way.”

His words rippled through my insides, making me shiver in trepidation. He seemed so certain for a future I could only dream about.

“Another chance?” I meekly murmured, raising my head to meet his hovering orbs.

“Yes. At us...” He assured huskily, curving his lips ever so slightly. Before I could imitate his expression in hope, he distanced himself and completed, “...as friends, of course.”

“Of course.” I muttered to myself. 

Why would he harbor any feelings or hope when I myself had obliterated every possibility of a future together? Not just verbally, but through my actions too. Words I wished to take back. Actions I tormented myself for each second of my life.

I reinstated our conversation with a casual tone as we started matching steps with each other,  “So, how have you been these past three years?” 

He shrugged, an action I caught him doing quite often, as he looked ahead, pondering upon how to form a simple answer to such a complicated question. He seemed to rummage through memories of these past years in isolation before responding, “Well, you left. And the darkness reappeared.”

I flinched at the reiteration of marred memories as they reappeared in my head. Composing myself, I queried hysterically, “So what, you mourned over that night for three years?”

It didn’t seem as harsh as it turned out. It wouldn’t have sounded harsh back when we were friends. Back when things were simpler. Maybe I just wanted to relive a moment of that simple yet surreal life. A light-hearted banter with the person who made my past so painful yet beautiful. A moment of pure friendship and adoration rather than this lingering tension.

“Actually, no. Though I would have, without Munna and Pandit by my side.” He smiled ruefully. 

I replicated his expression as I looked ahead, remembering his pillars of strength. No matter the situation, Munna and Pandit were always there for him. To celebrate every little achievement. To share every heart crushing grief. They truly redefined friendship to a whole new level. I thanked God for giving Sameer such loyal friends. Because he knew the value of friendship, he knew the feeling of belongingness. And he didn’t deserve abandonment, he deserved family.

“We somehow passed those cruel board exams with decent marks and got an admission at VJN.” Sameer continued, letting out a chuckle.

He turned towards me and stopped yet again, “Maybe your charm worked on me.”

“I doubt it. If that were true, you would’ve topped.” I giggled with a hope that he’d linger onto the banter.

Sameer rolled his eyes sarcastically before joining, “Yeah, your charm isn’t that strong, Naina.”

We began walking again as I smiled to myself, cherishing this moment of light-heartedness. It seemed peculiar, how we stood on the verge of fighting one second and turned back to our old, younger selves the next.

“So how did you join mid-degree?” He asked, raising his brows. 

Another knock at the bitter truth. Another attempt at initiating a confession. My lips quivered and fingers fidgeted as I decided on another deflection, “I had started on my course somewhere else but wanted to join VJN. And no, I wasn’t stalking you.” I added before he could question. 

He smiled and nodded. 

“I applied and thanks to my marks, they let me in. Special case.” I completed with a shrug and an unconvincing curve of lips. 

It wasn’t the truth. But for the first time, it wasn’t a lie either. 

We rounded at a corner, approaching my society. College wasn’t too far from my place, but it still was a good twenty-five minute walk. He didn’t ask any questions, neither did I. But for some reason, this silence felt comforting. It didn’t suffocate, rather gave some time to think. Just when I shifted my gaze from my unappealing shoes to the world around me, I noticed a street vendor selling one of my favorite savories. I unknowingly clutched his arm with one hand and pointed my other hand at the vendor in euphoria. Before I could remind him, he grinned, “I remember.” 

I looked away in embarrassment and  retreated my hands, but couldn’t stop the wide smile on my face. It was a pani puri stall after all.

Stepping in front of him, I smirked with mischief, “Care for a challenge?”

“You sure about that?” The way he rasped my name from his lips held a different emotion, an unfamiliar yet attractive one. I blushed shyly, reprimanding myself for letting his voice affect me so much. 

Straightening the creases of my turquoise pinafore, I challenged, “Why, are you scared?”

“You may not know, but I’m never scared of dares.” He smirked and flicked his long, silky hair behind. 

It was true, I didn’t know him. It had only been two weeks since he had approached me. But I wanted to. I wanted to know him, not only because he had captured my attention. But also because he held so much depth, it intrigued me. He wasn’t just cocky as he portrayed in front of the world. He held deeper emotions, genuine emotions. And I couldn’t wait to explore them. I couldn’t wait for him to let me in. 

“You may not know, but I’m the champion at pani puri competitions.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest as I raised one brow.

“We’ll see.” He took two steps towards me, his fresh breath suddenly tickling my face.

I looked up to match his hovering gaze and repeated, “We’ll see.”

Before I could break the daze our close proximity had brought, he slid past me towards the vendor, “Naina?” 

I shook my head to clear myself of embarrassing thoughts as I turned on my heel, finding him with a bowl in his hand. I rushed to him, took a bowl of my own and called out to the vendor, “Give me your spiciest panipuri.” 

“You sure you’ll be able to handle spice?” Sameer challenged.

“Make sure you’ll be able to handle the burns once I win, Sameer.” I shot back, a satisfied smirk on my face. 

He turned to the vendor and called for a similar pani puri as our relay began. Each pani puri burned down my throat, but filled me with a surge of adrenaline all the same. I looked at Sameer, finding him red-eyed and sweating as I gulped down another one. Giggling to myself, I took another one, letting its tanginess and spiciness slide down through my throat. 

“I can’t anymore.” Sameer huffed, barely coherent, as he stopped and held in hands in surrender. 

I chuckled and took in another pani puri, “Has Sameer Maheshwari just accepted defeat?”

“I can feel the burns, both literally and figuratively.” He snorted, looking away. 

“Oh are you such a sore loser?” I guffawed, unable to digest this side of him. Disposing my bowl in the trash can, I asked for a bottle of water and handed it to a seething Sameer, all the while chuckling at his condition.

He downed gulps of water before I noticed his lingering gaze. The laughs diminished and the self-consciousness returned as his gaze started to burn my skin. 

“I’m happy I competed with you, or else I would’ve never seen you this carefree. Stay like this, forever.” 

‘Stay with me, forever...’ I thought to myself as I smiled timidly.

“You’re on, Naina Agarwal.” He responded to my challenge. It wasn’t the similar smirk he carried on his face that made me beam, but the slight twinkle in his orbs. Because he had just cherished the same memory I had.

We made our way to the pani puri vendor, this time with excited yet hesitant steps. While I was excited to relive those memories, I was equally afraid I would ruin it. 

The pani puri vendor immediately recognized us, remembering how it had been so long since we came. It took me by surprise as I realized how we had only eaten pani puri together once. We had many firsts together, but couldn’t go past the first memory of each.

It was then that I realized that we didn’t spend as much time in love as we spent trying to fall out of it.

Sameer shook me by my arm, breaking my reverie. I extended my hand for a bowl and asked for a similar pani puri I had asked for three years ago. When I finally put my favorite savory dish in my mouth, the excitement within me rose by a thousand times. It had been too long. Too long since I savored a dish like this. 

Just like three years ago, I looked at Sameer from the corner of my eyes. He still had the competitive streak in him, gobbling the pani puris one after the other.

He caught my gaze and teased, “I’m not letting you and your eyes distract me this time, Naina.” 

I giggled a little before returning my attention towards relishing the pani puri at hand. No longer did I want to compete. I only wanted to cherish old memories and make new ones. And that’s exactly what I was doing. 

“Well, I guess you lost, Naina Agarwal.” He grinned boisterously as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his handkerchief.

“I have.” I answered succinctly, not just referring to the competition at hand. Because I had lost the biggest happiness of my life. I had lost Sameer Maheshwari. 

He seemed to have sensed the underlying meaning of my words, for he clutched my hand in assurance and slipped his fingers through mine, “Let’s go, Naina. Let’s go home.” 

….

As we approached the flat with the board ‘Agarwals’ on it, I heard him say, “Didn’t get the chance to say this earlier, but wow, not a lot has changed. From the outside, at least.” 

I closed my eyes, reconsidering whether letting him in would prove to be the worst decision. He had already caught onto the fact that things had changed, and I knew he would probe me until he found answers. What I didn’t know was how long I’d be able to sustain before giving in. 

With dubious hands, I took the house keys from my satchel and inserted them in, hearing a click in confirmation as my heart sped. 

Opening the door, I invited, “Come on in.”

Once again I was greeted by the cold and unwelcoming living hallt; scattered with minimal furniture, blank walls and grey drapes. 

I watched him look around, his hands back in his pockets as I dropped the keys on the side table and shut the door.

I watched him furrow his brows in curiosity and disturbance as my heart started to race.

I watched him open his mouth to ask as I interrupted him with a formal offer, “Would you like some tea?”

He scrutinized his gaze at the sudden formalism and I cursed myself for this terse transformation. However, he seemed to have brushed it off, for he said, “I’ll make it. I know the way around your kitchen.” He smiled while walking towards the kitchen. 

“No!” I startled him with my outburst as he widened his eyes in question, “I mean, I’ll make it. You... make yourself comfortable.” 

He complied once more as I turned towards the kitchen. 

Taking a teapot in hand, I filled it with water and put it on the stove, igniting it. Staring at the clear water, I reminisced about the time when Sameer and I shared an equally simple relationship. Transparent and pure. Without any bitterness, just spoonfuls of sugar that added sweetness to our relationship every now and then. A few spoons of tea through our light-hearted banter as we discovered ourselves while getting lost in each other. Everything seemed fine, normal. There were a few arguments on contrasting views, but each fight ended in tranquil solace in each other’s presence. But we failed to notice how our relationship was sitting on the brink of fire; the fire of disapproval. Because the relationship started to fall apart. Differences ignited distances. Both of us were at fault, but only partially. Because the final blow was made by our surrounding circumstances. Unfavorable circumstances. 

The aroma broke the rigmarole of memories playing in my head as I added milk and set out two cups. As soon as it boiled, I turned the stove off, took out a sieve and filtered the liquid in the teapot to what people relished as ‘masala chai’. Checking the cupboards for any snacks, I realized I was only left with a single biscuit pack. Tea and biscuits were no longer my thing, neither did I have guests I had to entertain. 

I sighed in chagrin as I emptied the pack of biscuits in a plate and placed it with the cups of tea on the tray. Taking the tray, I walked out of the kitchen, only to find a vacant living room.

“Sameer?” I called out as I heard a ruffle from my room. I immediately tensed, thinking of the things he may have discovered, facts that I didn’t want him to know. Abandoning the tray on the dining table, I rushed towards my similarly empty room, to find his back facing me. 

“Sameer?” I whispered in fear as he turned around with a letter in hand. A letter that had been sitting idle on my desk. A letter that should have been delivered at the right time.

“What’s this, Naina?” 

“Sameer, give it back. You’re not supposed to enter my room without my permission.” I tried to appear stern, only to find my voice waver.

“You remembered. You remembered Swati’s birthday.” He let out a breath in realization as I wondered whether he was accusing me or assuring himself.

“I told you I did.” I nodded pensively.

“But it wasn’t her who you had called today, Naina.” My shoulders tensed once again as he started to approach him. 

“It wasn’t her or else you wouldn’t be writing her a letter. You wouldn’t sign in anonymously, Naina Agarwal.” He brought the letter to my face as I looked away. 

He closed the distance until his breath feathered my face and his gaze scorched my skin, “Care to explain?” 

“There’s nothing to explain, Sameer. Other than the fact that you shouldn’t have been so intrusive.” I stated emotionlessly, avoiding his stare.

“I’ve been intrusive?” He asked hysterically, as if he had been ridiculed.

“Naina?” He shook me by the shoulders.

“Yes, you.” I flailed my arms, unable to take it any longer.

“You’ve been pestering me since the day I came back. You’ve been annoying me and interrogating me as if I’m a criminal. You didn’t even give me a choice today, you practically barged into my house!” I heaved in anger. 

“You didn’t leave me with any choice, Naina!” He shouted, his hair falling in front of his eyes and his stubble shining under the evening sun.

“When I thought things were finally getting better, when there was finally hope that I was worth your love, you left. You left, Naina. With just a letter that succumbed every hope, every dream, everything I had.” He took a piece of rusted paper out of his pocket, brutally torn and stuck with tape.

I immediately recognized the letter as I whispered in shock, “You still have this?” 

“It shattered me, Naina. I can’t even explain the kind of darkness the words in your letter pushed me in.”

He clutched me by my shoulders as he whispered in a pained tone, “I couldn’t believe it was you. It couldn’t have been you.”

A lone tear escaped my eye as I tried to look away. Before I could his tone changed from remorseful to one filled with revenge, “That’s when I decided that if not of love, we would now share a relationship of hatred. And that’s what I did for three years. I hated you.” He gritted through his teeth as I shut my eyes, unable to bear his wrath.

“But that didn’t happen.” His voice suddenly softened, making me flutter my eyelids open to match his. 

“And I started hating myself instead. I started hating myself for hating you, Naina. That’s what you did to me. And that’s what I did for three years.” He confessed warily, turning away. 

He left his grip on me and rubbed his forehead in frustration, “But then you came back. You came back and pretended as if nothing happened. And you expect me to not even question your behavior?” 

With his back faced to me, it was easier to pull a cold, indifferent tone, “We had parted for good, Sameer. You had no right to question anything about me.” 

He turned back, an incredulous look on his face. He stepped towards me again while I remained glued to my spot at the threshold of my room.

“Fine. I understand. I shouldn’t have questioned you as a boyfri--sorry, I don’t think we ever reached that stage. I shouldn’t have questioned you as a friend either, because we both had destroyed that bond.” He shook his head in agreement.

His next words made me look up in his eyes, “But anyone would’ve questioned you out of humanity.” 

I contorted in pain as he continued, “You’ve always been strong-willed, Naina. But when I saw you for the first time at VJN, you looked lifeless.”

Another tear ran down my cheek as he vented, “You’ve never looked this feeble. Clearly, you weren’t eating well, and you were stressing out too much. You had dark circles under your eyes, and you had started wearing glasses in class to cover them.” 

The stream of tears turned into sobs as I refused to wipe them.

“And then I come over to your house and you expect me not to question?” He probed. 

“Stop it, Sameer.” I spoke, mainly in whispers.

“Why is your house so empty and dark, why are your family members not here with you?” He continued as I looked away.

“Why are you not eating properly, why aren’t you taking care of yourself?”

“Sameer--”

“Why didn’t you call Swati today? Why are you sending her letters anonymously?” 

“Look, it’s none of your--”

“Why do you behave so differently, so unlike yourself. What are you trying to hide?” He cornered me. 

“Stop, please--”

“Why are you lying to me, Naina? We’ve never lied to each other.” He took my cold hands in his warm, assuring ones as I looked at him through my blurred gaze.

Another sob escaped my lips as I closed my eyes to compose myself.

“Why--”

“Why do you care, Sameer?!” I hollered, stepping away from him. 

“I’ve been so horrible to you, so why don’t you just let me be? Why are you so concerned? Why do you care?!” I clutched my desk in an attempt to regain my balance. My hair fell in a bunch over one shoulder, still tied messily by a hair tie. My lips quivered as I tried to hold back tears.

“Because I love you, Naina.” He whispered glassy-eyed as I looked up at him. 

“What?” I asked, barely audible to myself. 

“I love you.” He repeated, this time with a rueful smile on his face as tears started streaming down his face.

“I’ve tried hating you. That’s all I’ve tried to do these past three years, but I end up falling for you more. There’s no one who’s hurt me more than you, but no one in this world has loved me more than you either.” 

“That’s no reason to--”

“I don’t know how it started. Or when it did. But I realized it with the emptiness I carried back home from Mount Abu, Naina.” 

I stood with a heavy heart and bated breaths as memories flooded my head.

“You’ve given me purpose, Naina. To be good. To others and to myself. To value happiness and let go of pain. You, your kindness, your anger, your pain, your jealousy, and your happiness.”

He cupped my face, drawing circles with his thumb on my cheeks, “I love it all. I love you.”

The tears couldn’t stop streaming down my face as I tried to remain unaffected by his words.

“I don’t believe this. I can’t. I--”

“I love you.” He repeated, this time with a similar raspiness that tingled my insides. He looked into my eyes, promising me a beautiful future of togetherness as he wiped the tears on my face. He then lowered his gaze to my lips as my toes curled in anxiousness.

I shook my head in disbelief as I uttered, “We can’t-we aren’t meant to be, Sameer.”

“I love you, Naina Agarwal.” He whispered so softly yet with such determination it pushed my heart into a flury.

I breathed, confessing the biggest truth of my life, “I love you too, Sameer Maheshwari. With everything I have.” 

And then his lips crashed onto mine. And I forgot everything. I couldn’t feel anything other than numbness, could smell anything other than his enticing smell that was so uniquely him. Couldn’t move as I remained rooted to my spot, yet felt the floor slip away under my feet. Couldn’t breathe. Everything felt so surreal, it felt like a dream. This moment felt like a dream.

And then it came back as soon as the sensation reached my toes. His lips felt so soft against mine, hesitant yet determined. My throat suddenly felt dry and I shivered as I opened my mouth, unknowingly giving him the access he needed. He nipped at my upper lip before moving to my lower lip, making me feel things I never thought existed. I immediately held him by his waist, my hands shyly roaming over his back. I took in his lower lip, kissing it, savoring it like a prized possession. He tasted of pani puri; all sweet and tangy at once, and of something uniquely Sameer that seemed too good to abandon.

We broke apart, gasping for breath as I looked at him. His hooded gaze still lingered onto my lips that were now swollen from his sweet tormentation. Yet his orbs held this urge to control himself and his desires, an emotion I did not quite like. Before he could let his mind dominate his heart again, I rushed to him and pressed my lips onto his, unable to let go of him. He dove his fingers into my hair, pulling the hair tie so that my locks flowed in waves. I smiled as I kissed, remembering how this was how he liked it. His hands moved down my arms, igniting goosebumps wherever he touched as his hands clutched my waist. I tangled my hands in his hair, my fingers finding their ultimate solace as they tugged. He groaned in my mouth as I continued to assault his lips. Our tongues danced with each other, the sensation nothing short of a raging fire in the pit of my stomach. He bit onto my lower lip, sending a sharp pain within me before soothing it with his tongue. I moaned at his tender ministrations, tilting my head further to delve deeper. Kissing him was like burning in a fire, yet burning in pleasure. It was captivating and passionate. 

Kissing him was addictive. And I never wanted to stop.