Part 2:- Slipping Away

When thoughts contradict actions

My heart thumped louder than the anticipated beeps through my phone as I hung up dejectedly with, “Okay, Ma. I’ll be home.”

I suddenly felt suffocation engulf me as the threatening bile clogged up my throat. For a second I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t comprehend my surroundings. Just for a second I thought I’d die from the inevitable surprises life bombarded me with.

Standing desolated in an isolated parking lot, I held my head in my hands on the bonnet of my car; indecisive, in trauma. Pushing my hair behind my ears, I tried to think straight, all attempts in vain. Everything Ayesha had just said still echoed, tantalizing my brain, allowing my heart to cry in ache yet smirk in glee. However, my mother had just proved my theories of practicality right. I should’ve understood that we mustn’t spread our wings too high, should’ve understood the limit to my innumerable dreams, should’ve understood the defying call of the heart.

I should’ve understood what a mess I was, ever since he came into my life.

With reassured tenacity, I wiped away tears of regret that shone vulnerability, and composed myself. Downing huge gulps of water, I felt its soothing feeling through my veins, oxygenating my brain, yet never reaching the indomitable heart. Curtly ignoring the slightest plea, I resoluted towards my final plan and retreated to unlock the car door; subtly locking another, when a hand wrapped around mine, halting me to a stop. Enraging a clash of waves within me, that swore to cease my being painfully. Just when I had resolved my life, that one touch ruined everything.

“Hey.” His casual tone erupted a few gleeful and irritated butterflies in my stomach. Heaving a breath, I closed my eyes before facing him with a smile plastered on my face, “Hi, Randeep.”

He took a moment to scrupulously stare at me, noticing the slight changes in my behavior. I rubbed one arm over the other, tearing away from his gaze.

“What’s wrong?”

I grunted in misery before facing him again, “N-nothing at all.”

“Ashi.” He spoke succinctly, clearly unconvinced.

“I’m just tired, Randeep. It’s been a long day.” I tried at another excuse, opening the car door when he swiftly shut it back and held my wrist, “You’ve had longer ones.”

“Can’t you just let me be?” I huffed in annoyance, jerking my hand away from his grip, an uncanny restlessness filling my heart.

His stern expression softened, his lips pursed and shoulders relaxed, “I’m just worried.”

Guilt crept through my voice as I apologized, “Look, I’m sorry. It’s just that these aren’t one of my best days so—“

“But your time isn’t due anytime soon.” He interrupted my chain of apologies with a silly smile on his face. As soon as the shock on my face turned to the dawn of realization, I playfully hit him on his arm as laughter broke out.

“How on Earth do you know?” I asked in curiosity, flabbergasted at his knowledge.

“C’mon Ashi. We’ve been working together for almost a year now; I can tell.” He shrugged ever so casually, as if all of this was so obvious.

“Woah.” I whispered to myself in amazement, suddenly wondering whether it was just for me or for every other girl on set too.

As soon as I opened my mouth to fire my query, he elaborated defensively, “Before you ask, it’s just you.”

A smile returned while something churned within the pit of my stomach; an unusual feeling which couldn’t possibly be deciphered.

“Well, that makes it all the more creepy. I better take care of myself and my self-respect.” I retorted jokingly, covering myself with my arms.

“Well you better, ‘cause I have my eyes on you.” He inched, grabbing both my wrists in his grasp. The faint sounds of chuckles stuck in my throat as my head automatically lifted to meet his hovering gaze.

“Randeep…” I whispered under my breath in uncertainty.

“Ashi..” He spoke my name with equal hesitance as I felt our breaths quicken.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” He demanded with our faces inches apart. For a second I couldn’t comprehend his words; too engulfed by his charming gaze, and I foolishly responded with “Huh?”

“I thought I was talking to Ashi Singh, not to Naina Agarwal.” His remark broke each dream I had been hoping for, making me flush in embarrassment.

He hid a smirk in his scrutinized stare while I stuttered in immediate anger, “You were, you are and you always will. Naina Agarwal leaves as soon as I cross that threshold.” I pointed at the wooden entrance of our set with a determined look on my face.

“What if I wish to meet her?”

“Only Sameer Maheshwari can.”

“And what if I become both? Intertwined?” His question left me spellbound as Ayesha’s words replayed in my head. In that moment I felt I saw something different in his gaze, something more pure, a feeling I often saw in him as Sameer. A flicker of hope ignited in my obliterated heart and my soul seemed to have been dancing frivolously. I suddenly found this palpable urge to fall in his arms, to isolate myself with him from the entire world. A terse feeling to never let go from his soothing, protective grip. A tumultuous itch to inch towards him, to feel his light stubble that provoked to tickle, to make myself incredibly flustered at the indecent thoughts raging my mind.

But before my heart could dream anymore, my brain alerted through its reprimands. This wasn’t right. These feelings weren’t for the right person. Not because of him. But because of me. Because of the circumstances. Because of our profession that although allowed us to express on-screen but weren’t given the liberty off-screen. The exact difference between stories and reality.

Stories are planned, can be controlled. But reality cannot. Heartbreaks could be expressed, but not endured. Pain could be inflicted but not burdened. Love could be felt but not lived.   

I wasn’t meant for him, because he deserved a lot better.

“Then you’re incredibly stupid.” I grimaced with glistening eyes while he stayed silent. To my surprise, I had anticipated the lack of reaction, the rebuttal of questions. I inwardly known he would understand. Remain unconvinced. I felt his muscles tauten a little while his hands curled into fists in frustration. Letting out a soft hysterical chuckle, I shook my head in consolation, our gaze lingering for longer than usual. His orbs held compassion mixed with worry while mine just reflected fear. Guilt. Maybe sorrow.

With faltering steps, I turned around and unlocked the car door with the fluttering keys in my hand. The silver keychain with flying doves grabbed my attention as my vision blurred and I found it hard to breathe. Lowering my eyelids shut, I heard a few whispers in chastise, leaving my hands ice cold. I positioned the rearview mirror and noticed his retreating figure, promising myself to never look back again.

A promise that left my mind contempted and my heart in smirks.

…

“Ashi?” The director called out, startling me in my chair. He raised his eyebrows at my aloofness while I cleared my throat in apology.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been acting quite weird since this morning.” Ayesha remarked as we headed towards our common spot. We had finally been granted a break from our hectic 7-hour-long shoot and my on-screen sister seemed disturbed at my uncanny behavior.

I passed a weak smile while shaking my head in denial, while she pursed her lips, “Ashi. Are you still upset with me for what I said yesterday.”

In whispers she completed, “About you and Randeep.”

I sucked in a breath at the mention of his name, and more so at the coincidence of his presence right in front of me.

I remained quiet and vigorously shook my head again. Ayesha held me by my shoulders and clutched them tight, “Ashi. You know you can share anything with me.”

I nodded silently, orbs bubbling with tears in anguish. I raised my gaze to meet hers filled with concern, while my heart flurried with overwhelm. She was my rock, my constant support system, my partner in crime. The person I most relied on.

Nodding once more, I took her to a corner and clutched her hands as tight as possible.

“Ashi..”

She had only managed to whisper when my quivering voice mouthed, “Vivek.”

Ayesha grew appalled when she heard his name but her eyes widened at the figure standing right behind me. I frowned in perplexion while she raised her eyebrows, pointing in the same direction with worry swept across her face. I gulped, fearing the worst when I turned around, only to hear the voice I dreaded.

“Vivek?” He spat with accusation, anger blaring through his eyes.