Unwanted Feelings

Love...just a bed of roses?

I clutched the chair kept in front of me as teeth gritted to mutter something incomprehensible. The bulbs adorning the massive mirror in front of me couldn’t hide the jealousy I was trying to suppress behind my weak smile. On the first day of shoot, my vanity room seemed nothing less than a dream come true. Over the span of days turned months, the ambiance of the room improved from the strong smell of fresh wood to the scrumptious odor of freshly cooked homemade food. The neatly arranged dressing table changed its look from the second day of shoot onwards; from being extremely organized to utterly messy--just the way I liked it. Where once stood just one plastic chair facing the mirror now had found several friends, scattered across the square sized room. The then stainless mirror still had the same appearance however reflected shouts of laughter, innumerable selfies, hilarious boomerangs and Musicallys, priceless live videos, the cascade of comments and nonsensical fights and the convincing that followed. The empty walls were furnished with memories of everyone; starting with Ayesha, my soul sister and my best friend, Kristina. The family tree rose to include my on-screen Chachiji, Chachaji, Shefali, Arjun Bhaiya, Munna and Pandit, and him.

The more I thought of him, the more I wanted to forget. The more the tears threatened to brim. The more I felt suffocated. The more my lips got tormented. The more scars my fingernails caused. The more vulnerable I became. The more I wanted to vent out. And the more my thoughts resurfaced back to him.

He seemed so distant on the first day, I had feared I had offended him. Thus, formed my first impression of him; egoistic and boastful, rarely considerate and absolutely atrocious. But never had I imagined this view to change this drastically; never had I inferred his atrocity to transform into genuine kindness. Within a month or so, I started seeing his real side. What I thought to be his abhorrent attitude was in reality his shy nature. Despite being a part of quite a few shows, his curiosity never diminished and his dedication only seemed to increase. He wasn’t ignorant, but focused. He knew his goals and was working towards it.

The more I shot scenes with him, the better I got to know about his passion and talent in acting. The shuffling of hair soon developed to be a casual habit, the flexing of hands, an indication of anxiety, and the pursing of lips were the reason behind either stifled laughter or utmost guilt. On days of on-screen melancholy, the atmosphere dulled and on the latter, he was the energy of the entire crew. Unbelievable pranks and constant videos; little had I realized that he had been dominating my Google and Instagram searches.

I had heard and fantasized the life of an actor; but only got the feel of it until recently. The numerous interviews and monotonous questions; ‘So how has your off-screen chemistry developed?’ Many times had I rolled my eyes; another habit inherited by him. Now that I rewatch the initial interviews, I silently guffaw on our perplexion and innocence. The stutters, occasional cluelessness, and obvious fidgets. The limelight was often too overwhelming; there were times when I really desired for a normal life. A life without late night shoots followed by early morning calls. A life without 15 hours in one place. Then almost immediately I would think of the positives; the charm, my friends, the excitement, the experiences, and I would shake my head, regretting the former thought.

When I thought to be on the top of the world, our crew surprised me again. I had traveled before, but traveling with a new set of friends and an unknown yet familiar family was something new to me. I remember being in a frenzy, unable to choose between dresses. How had I scoffed at my silliness! The nervousness had crept in me before the cool breezes of Mt. Abu, and my mind couldn’t decide who to blame. Was it the experience? The fear of messing up? Or the guy who ever so often shuffled his hair while chewing on gum?

Ayesha had finally been proud of at being more techno-savvy, albeit mom was slightly livid. My phone’s battery started draining a little too fast, and so did the internal storage. I was baffled at the change in me, but the turn of events hardly gave my mind the chance to register properly.

The serene mountains has taken my breath away. But not more than the grasp of hand. The simmering sun playing hide-and-seek with the clouds gave me the shivers. But not more than his praises and antics. The tranquility and beauty of the place mesmerized me. But not more than his aura.

And it was as if destiny wanted me to feel this emotion. The feeling called Love. On the last day of our trip, the short-lived sunshine had disappeared as quickly as it had come, coloring the sky into hues of deep grey with blatant white spots. The clouds had poured relentlessly as a smile crept onto my face. Those were the first rains! Each drop had felt like a blessing, lifting unknown burdens off my shoulders. My waist-length hair had dampened as I had twirled like a small child, relishing the cold droplets of nature. My eyes had closed a long time ago, taking in the feeling of pure bliss. My arms had spread almost automatically, each droplet tickling my skin. The maroon polo Tee and denim jeans had stuck to my body, but I couldn’t have cared more about the uncomfortability it brought.

“Are you serious? Come inside, or else you’ll catch the flu!” Ayesha warned, trying to prevent herself from getting wet. We had set our base near the Nakki Lake, but my heart refused to budge.

“What’s the point of a flu if not through relishing the first rains!” I had quoted philosophically, chuckling aimlessly.

“You’ll get really sick. And there’s a lot of shooting left.” She had cautioned once more.

“I’ll survive, Ayesha, but I can’t afford to miss this.” I spoke while twirling, unable to contain my excitement. She shook her head in disappointment before face-palming herself with a soft grin lingering on her lips.

Me, rain, and the Nakki Lake, beaming in glee. Absolutely perfect. Little had I realized a pair of eyes ogling me. It wasn’t vehement, but familiar, almost safe.

His fit of giggles caught my attention as I stopped my sloppy dance to notice him.

“You too?” He pointed at me and then shifted his gaze to the grey sky above us. My caution changed to carefreeness as we laughed in unison.

He approached towards me, slow yet intimidating steps. His gaze on me intensified as I blinked rapidly, trying to distract myself from the pouring raindrops. Swiftly shuffling his wet hair that had dared to obstruct his view, he smirked, insisting me to look away.

Another step, and I found him hovering over me. The height difference seemed to have increased as I pushed my head a little further to catch a perfect view of him. My lips curved into a hesitant smile as I tried to read his eyes.

“I never expected you to like the rains.” His voice sprang in delight, making my heart yelp in happiness.

“I’m not one who meets expectations, but one who sets them.” I replied after pondering, rummaging my brain for a witty yet non-egotistical reply.

“Ooohhh…”He seemed impressed as he pursed his lips and arched his eyebrows. His hands extended, suggesting a dance.

“Me?” I whispered, pointing at me in utter disbelief.

He looked around before murmuring huskily, “I don’t see anyone else.”

I crossed my arms in mock anger as he apologized cutely; one hand on his right ear and pursed lips. I couldn’t help myself from laughing as he offered his arms for a dance. My heart paced at an unimaginable rate, as I placed my left hand in his while my other hand rested on his shoulder. His hand snaked around my waist, making me shiver in trepidation. I gulped a lump as my gaze shifted from the surroundings to his face; particularly his eyes. We sashayed in the rain on the tunes of imaginary music.

“Won’t you catch a flu?”

“What’s the point of a flu if not through relishing the first rains!” He repeated, making my eyes widen in shock.

“What?” He asked at my incredulous expression, his arm still firm on my waist.

“I had...nothing.” I stopped, too embarrassed to share my thoughts. His gaze seemed to have deepened, as if trying to read my thoughts.

“Don’t look at me like that…” I said playfully after a few minutes of constant stares.

“Why? Do I make you uncomfortable?” His voice had turned serious.

“No...but that’s not how you eye everyone else, right?” I stuttered.

“And that suggests…” He left his sentence incomplete, with a sly smirk playing on his lips as my cheeks flustered.

He soon stopped, and so did the rain. Slowly and ever so lightly, he brought his hands up to my face and swiftly pushed back several locks of my hair behind my ear, his fingers feeling as soft and ticklish as feathers on my cold, wet skin. He cupped my face in his hands almost instinctively as his breaths fanned my eyelids. He was a head taller than me, but never had I seemed as apprehensive around him as I did today. He inched his way towards me, reducing the distance between us to just a few centimeters. His eyes had darkened with an ocean of emotions as my lips parted timorously. His gaze shifted from my eyes to my lips and back as he tightened his grip. As the last few drops of rain fell upon us, he seemed to have regained some control over himself as he blinked rapidly before whispering,

“Stop me, please. If I don’t stop now, I won’t be able to until much later.”

Our trip to Mt. Abu had ended, but the feeling did nothing but intensify. I could still see the crimson effect I had whenever I revisited those memories. We started hanging around more often, opening ourselves to each other a little more. His dreams, his fears; all seemed to have a connection with mine. Little had I realized that his on-screen laughs had become more genuine and his orbs had deepened into an ocean of emotions. The purer our relationship got on-screen, it seemed to have a similar effect off-screen. The Delhi track had ended, and the much anticipated college track had started. Our on-screen characters had reconciled, rejoicing more souls than we could imagine. And then, when everything seemed to be moving smoothly, my life came crashing down on me.

“I really like him.” She spoke excitedly, hugging me in surprise.

I could see my world breaking apart in front of me, as tears threatened to spill any moment. I tried to hide my emotions but in vain. She had retreated to see my reaction as I had quickly flashed a huge smile in attempt to hide my despair.

“And does he?” I asked in fear, still hopeful.

She blushed before responding, “He just confessed his…”

Unable to take it anymore, I had hugged her again, tighter this time so that I could cry without having her notice me. My surroundings were spinning like a whirlwind, it was too much to handle. She had jumped in glee, twirling me around. But all I could feel was being forced under a blanket of darkness...that showed no sign of light. With a fake smile plastered on my face, I wished her the best before she left to tell her other friends.

My grip on the chair weakened as I slumped to the ground, tears pouring endlessly. No longer did I care about anyone else, why should I after all, when no one cared about me?! I could hear my mind cursing my heart for falling for someone to such an extent that the wound was beyond repair. What was the need for making so many memories when they weren’t meant to be cherished? Why had he put forth so many dreams when he only wanted to shatter them?

“Why!” I screamed, only to hear my echo bellowing back at me. Remorse was replaced by anger as I displaced everything, throwing everything from my sight. Make-up kits covered the floor while bottles cried at being thrown away. My hair was disheveled, tangled and incomprehensible, just like me. Nothing had the right to be in its place when my life wasn’t. I sobbed as I found myself slumped against a chair once again. My vision blurred every so often and the curses in my mind overpowered the wavering cries of hope in my heart. I had just started to experience this sacred emotion, just started to love him unconditionally. Why did he break my heart? Why couldn’t all love stories have a future? Why wasn’t everyone made for love?

“Why Randeep, why?” I screamed at the top of my lungs, voice breaking as I finally mustered the courage to speak his name. The one name that evoked so many emotions, so many memories wished to be destroyed.

“Ashi?” My door creaked open and his voice laced with concern echoed through my ears. And that’s when my breathing hitched.