Chapter 3:- Unbearable Memories

Mistakes or a start to a new journey?

My vision blurred as I tried to get things straight. I had been living the past two months in a bubble, a short lived bubble that just popped, bringing me back to reality. Everything felt so surreal that the agony was unbearable. The person I had grown to trust more than myself in these two months had betrayed me. Abandoned me with tears as my only support system.

Why did you do this to me, Sameer?

I had chosen him over my family and moral values. I adapted to his approach of life rather than following mine. I was head over heels in love with him, and this is what he gave in return?!

All those memories flashed across my eyes, as if waiting to be caught, yet running past me aimlessly. When I had taken my first step towards the Mount Abu school bus, I had visualized to be the most memorable trip of my life. The trip where I would get to experience all the happiness in the world. Alas, I was awarded with fresh new tears instead of glimpses of excitement.

“Don’t you find the moon so calm, Sameer?”

We had settled ourselves on the porch of our hostel. When the others had gone to bed, I had caught notice of two silent coughs, and soon a smile marked its way onto my face. My heartbeat raced, and excitement knew no bounds. With one gaze, I had understood he wanted to talk to me, alone. Under the moonlight. This wasn’t any less special than a first date. A date in our pyjamas!

“You do too?” He questioned in surprise.

I replicated his frown followed by a few short laughs.

“I never thought a boy like you to spare time to gaze at the moon.” I admitted sheepishly.

“I was twelve, when I had faced the wrath of my mother’s harsh words. At that time, I had consoled myself saying it was one of those bad days, not knowing that was a first of many. She had scolded me for cribbing, for being immature.” He seemed to get distant, revisiting old incidents.

I waited patiently for him to continue. His eyes glistened under the full moon night. My heart ached seeing the ostracized side of him, the side oblivious to all.

“The only thing that grabbed her attention was my lost pen. An expensive ink pen my so-called father had ‘gifted’ me for my twelfth birthday. Another boastful comment added on to their long list of parenting achievements; buying his step-son an exclusive pen from London.” He took deep, uneven breaths, unable to compose himself.

“Sameer, I don’t want you too--” I started.

“No, Naina. I want to tell you.” He interrupted, igniting butterflies in my stomach. The fact that he had given me so much importance was enough for the goosebumps to reappear and heart to race.

He gulped and continued, “She had slapped me that day. For losing that pen. Little did she realize the reason behind my endless tears. I wasn’t remorseful about the ink pen; in fact, I was least bothered about that. My classmates were fascinated by that pen, and had developed the curiosity for it. Some boys had noticed me writing in my diary--with that very pen. They decided to mock me, and snatched my diary.” Saying this, a lone tear escaped his eye. Never had I seen him in such a vulnerable state.

“Sameer…” I tried to pacify. I badly wanted to console him, but was too hesitant about any physical contact. I wanted to assure him that I would always be there for him, no matter what. In that moment, however, we didn’t need words to convey our emotions. A gaze was enough to reciprocate unsaid feelings.

“I asked politely, but they weren’t going to give in. Instead, they sneered even more, irritating me. I tried to get hold of my precious diary, the one non-judgemental friend I had, but I was too weak against them. They threw my diary and pen as far as they could. No matter how fast I ran, I had lost my diary forever.  Inn my mother’s eyes, I had lost that dear pen. Not the diary that held all my emotions, but the pen that forever reminded me of my step-father’s obligations.” He narrated, tears brimming in his eyes.

Sameer looked away--either ashamed of being weak in front of me, or disappointed from his relationship with his mother-- I couldn’t tell.

“She was the only hope I had, Naina. She was the one who had managed to create peace in a house where he and I despised each other. But when she misunderstood me, I felt so lonely, I wished to bury myself. My only hope had burnt to ashes that day. And that’s when I found a new friend.” He looked up at me, genuinity in his voice.

“When I had trapped myself into darkness, it was the moon that reflected some light. No expectations, no judgements. Just tranquility. That’s the best part about it; the moon always listens to you without any complaints. Never impatient and always understanding.” His lips curved into a slight smile.

“I didn’t mean to touch unhealed wounds, Sameer…” I apologized.

“I’m not what I show to everyone, Naina. I’m Sameer, meaning the wind that is filled with different emotions. Sometimes lively, and other times very serious.” He laughed hysterically at his comment.

“I don’t show this side to everyone. In fact, very few--and I mean just my grandfather--know this side of me.”

“I’m honored to be a part of that list, Sameer. I really am.” I said resolutely.

A few minutes of silence prevailed. However, it wasn’t uneasy, but rather comforting. A time when we both contemplated our lives, explored ourselves.

“Though I still feel you need someone who can walk with you for the rest of your life and give you advice. Someone who can support you and guide you.” I ended the silence as hope glinted in his eyes. He wanted me to complete my thoughts and I didn’t hesitate.

“Sameer, today I promise you that I’ll always be there for you. To listen to you patiently, to understand you deeply. No judgements. No expectations. I’ll always be there to support and guide you, Sameer.”

“Naina? Where are you lost?” My best friend’s voice chirped in my ears, bringing me out of my reverie.

“Um..nowhere at all…” I stammered, composing myself in the uncomfortable bus seat. Our trip had ended on such a bad note, it was hard to believe this was what I was anticipating.

“Are you okay?” Swati grew concerned.

I gave a slight nod saying, “Yeah, I’m fine.” She didn’t look to convinced and was about to ask when I stopped her.

“Swati, I’m really exhausted. I don’t have the energy to talk right now, please?” I requested, teary eyed.

She agreed without any arguments, and I was grateful for her understanding gesture. Everything that had happened last night was too much to handle. I had cursed myself a thousand times already; for falling for him.

“I feel really suffocated, I’ll be back.” I got up from my seat.

“Naina, the bus will start in five minutes.” She warned.

“I won’t be late, Swati. There’s nothing left to revive that can cause any delay.” I spoke blatantly, making my way towards the door.

For the first time, even the cool breeze couldn’t better my mood through its touch. After all, wounds were so deep that mundane medicines held no power to heal them.

“Naina?” The familiar voice reached my ears again. The softness. The melody. The tranquil effect. That very voice that made me fall in love all over again.

“Where are you going?” He spoke again, making me stop in my tracks. Little had I realized where I was heading towards. The jungle. Memories flashed, making my heart ache. Did everything revolve around him, just him?!

“Naina…” He called out once again, still receiving my ignorance.

“ Why are you letting someone ruin your life who has given you nothing but pain?”