Broken

A devastating night and battles between the heart and mind...

After all these years, why couldn’t I let him go? Why couldn’t I approve him of marrying someone else?

I stood in front of my bedroom mirror and pondered over the events that had occurred within the period of a few hours. The mere hours that shook my supposedly balanced life. When Auntyji had simply come up to me and asked me to search for a bride for Dev, I was stunned to the core; how could I take up such a huge task; such a painful task?

“Why couldn’t you move on, Sona? Why couldn’t you change?” I asked myself as a tear marked its way onto my face. There I stood, an independent, strong, and feminist woman as he often phrased. Yet I couldn’t get over him….I couldn’t get over my first love...why so?

I remembered the day when I first met him, or crashed into him. Who knew Mr. Obhodhro would become Mr. Right for me?

“Why did you love him, Sonakshi?” I reprimanded at myself as I slumped onto the floor. He had become my everything; the reason to wake up every morning, the reason to smile despite all the sorrows surrounding me, the reason behind the motivation to all that success, the reason behind promising my daughter for a normal future filled with endless happiness and surprises. He was the reason behind my survival. How could I let go of my life, when it always consisted of just him?

Like every lonely night, I tried looking for a ray of hope amidst the darkness. Even the wooden tiles could not provide me with the warmth I badly needed right now. I looked around to find my room blank and empty, resembling the current state of my heart. Everything felt so cold, so still. So lifeless. I had no one to confide to; no one would understand my emotional turmoil.

“We’re friends, Sonakshi. We don’t judge each other.” His words echoed in my head. That one word irked me more than anything. Friends….that’s what our relationship status was. I was the one who implemented this status, and I was the one regretting it. Why were we friends? I would rather have preferred ‘ex-husband’. At least it consisted of the word I once dreamt of, the word I had started to adore; ‘Husband’. I had a right on him, and I was proud to call him mine. What place do I have in his life now? A friend?! How much had I longed to call myself Mrs. Dixit….how long had it taken me to change it to Ms. Bose again. I hated myself….for hating him!

“Sonakshi, my mom asked me to marry you!” That one thing erupted the lifeless butterflies in my stomach. I was shocked, yet my ecstasy knew no bounds. The unknown desire of hearing this was now realized. His words were magical, igniting hope in me….a hope for us! I couldn’t express myself, no matter how much I tried. My heart was dancing in joy, but my mind was scared, threatening my heart to not keep any expectations. The shocked expression dominated my face as I repeated his words over and over again. The thought of us uniting seemed nothing less than a dream! Unfortunately, that had to remain as an unfulfilled dream. I was ready to walk with him throughout my life, to support him through thick and thin….but I wasn’t ready to experience heartbreak again. Not anymore. My heart was too fragile...too vulnerable. The independent, strong Sonakshi Bose was nothing more than a facade behind the hurt and broken Sonakshi Dixit.

It seemed like an unending rigmarole of painful memories as I sat with our wedding album. We looked so content together….so perfect. Nothing else mattered to us than that day. After all those days of meeting secretly, we finally expressed our feelings towards each other to our family members. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I was ready to face every obstacle for him! What happened next was something I wished to avoid. But as always, my mind was against me and recalled all the memories I wanted to burn into ashes. Those unforgettable taunts, the uncomfortable stares, the painful gossips….were all blanketed under his unconditional love, his surprises arranged with great effort, his arms that gave me the solace nothing else could.

He was slipping away, I could see him distancing from me. I was assigned to find someone who would rightfully call him hers. I had to convince him, into moving on in life. I had to find a girl who would understand him as much as I did….or more than that. I had to find a girl who would handle his temper and comprehend his unsaid feelings…..a girl who would treat his daughter as her own and give as much respect to his mother as he did….a girl who would take my place in his heart.

After all, isn’t this what friends were supposed to do for each other?

With that, I broke down into tears once more….the tears caused by him….. Because that was the only thing I had of his!  

The End